My partner wants physical intimacy but does not want to do it

Hey jamescool,

It almost sounds like you are two different sheets of music.

I would advise you to talk openly and honestly with your partner and ask him to do the same with your. Neither of you should do anything that makes you so uncomfortable that it is a deal-breaker for your relationship (especially if you only have to try it once, assuming it is not something too extreme from your personal point of view).

From what you describe, it sounds like the two of you have extremely limited physical contact and that seems to bother you, but apparently doesn't bother him.

Again, I would simply ask: have you talked to him about this?

It would seem that, regardless of what he says/hints at, the two of you have rarely had even the simplest intimate contact (caressing, cuddling, kissing). If that's enough for him, but not for you, you should probably talk to him honestly to discover why that is the case. Is he inhibited my mental blocks? Is he actually asexual? With understanding the two of you can work towards a resolution, which may mean a relationship with modified expectations or even a separation/ending from your current relationship.

Just some thoughts.

 

Hey jamescool,

Sure, if he is asexual, he could be aromantic too, but, then why would he want to have a boyfriend (like he does with you).

The idea that he has physical contact with you, but doesn't return it could be due to a number of factors. I'm not a doctor nor a psychologist, but off the top of my head, I could guess that he might be autistic and simply not understand right now that what you give him, you expect to receive. Regardless, it sounds like you two might really want to seek some professional help to get to a realistic basis for your relationship. At a minimum, the two of you should simply talk heart-to-heart to establish baseline expectations for your relationship.

If you are interested, here is a conversation I had several months ago with a guy who basically drove his boyfriend away because of suspicion and jealousy, but was totally open to lessons-learned from his failed relationship.

 

It could be a variety of factors or it could be something as simple as him not feeling great these days, low sex drive (which can come and go) or perhaps he's just a bit unsure of himself.
Personally, it happened to me once where I was dating a guy, I had just come out of the closet, mentally everything in my life seemed like it was moving at the speed of light, and the guy I was dating started touching me. I wasn't really sure whether I was ready or not to go any farther, and on top of it all, I wasn't feeling great, I had a sore stomach. So I just let him touch me, but I didn't reciprocate. In retrospect, that probably made him feel pretty unwanted at that moment. I should have just communicated to him how I was feeling, that way, he wouldn't have felt unnecessarily rejected.
The key is to just communicate. Ask him. Be sensitive. Show him that you care and listen to him. It's possible that if you make him feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable with you, he may also feel safer with you in physical intimacy.