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How to tell ultra religious parents that their religion has done damage in my life

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Cory675, Apr 16, 2017.

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  1. Cory675

    Cory675
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I came out of the closet only two years ago, at 23. It took a depression/burnout for me to be able to accept myself. After a bit of reflection, it is very clear to me that the reason I wasn't able to accept myself was religion. I feel like, for so long, I had been brainwashed into shame by the Catholic Church. When I came out to them, they took it with love, but they are still very religious Catholics, and I still feel as if my sexuality was quite taboo because they have actively avoided the topic since. Personally, I consider that religion has done enough damage in my life.

    If ever my parents wonder why I don't go to Church or want to pray actively before meals etc, how do I tell them that their religion, their conservative values, the Catholic school and the homophobic messages I grew up with caused unfathomable harm to me?

    I would like to be able to explain this to them in a way that shows my love for them and in a way that they will be understanding and perhaps reflect on their beliefs a bit without rejecting me for being a rebel or blasphemous or having a meltdown because their son has strayed away from the Church.
     
    #1 Cory675, Apr 16, 2017
  2. RainbowArtNerd

    RainbowArtNerd
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    Re: How to tell ultra religious parents that their religion has done damage in my lif

    Hi fellow ex catholic here!

    I am always in favor of letters so that it's easier to say things how you want them and in order of what you want. I can relate to what you say on every point believe me, been through all the same myself and even tried to be a nun to avoid my crisis.

    It's important to understand your specific family. Whether your family is more doctrine oriented or more by the heart point out the discrepancies between their message of shame and a message of love. It's important to understand that in most cases there is no true winning or losing, you both can only see as far as your experiences can let you see and a good healthy conversation is the true goal.

    Take it slow: use language that they understand and help them see that while you don't agree you do see what they are saying or trying to do. Most people who meet lgbt with love while being catholic are not trying to be hurtful.

    Most problems come from misunderstanding that you hate the person as opposed to the doctrine. Where as they might say "Hate the 'sin', not the 'sinner' " as ex-catholics we can actually find the balance between love and truth. They are trying to love but the truth is, it isn't love when it brings hurt and shame.

    It's important to thank them for meeting you where they can but also remind them that it is a conversation that might have to keep going. It has wounded you deeply that they held these beliefs and had them in your home and its not okay to pretend its alright that it did.

    Hope it was helpful as I am trying to do the same in my current situation,
    Love and Luck.
    JArt
     
    #2 RainbowArtNerd, Apr 17, 2017
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