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Friendship troubles - homophobic or something else?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Wofiegirl, Apr 17, 2017.

  1. Wofiegirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Tampa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I apologize ahead of time for how long this is!

    I have a pretty strained relationship with a friend that I've had for the past 18 years (met we were about 10) and could use some advice. We were super close when we were younger but I moved to another state for graduate school and we didn't talk much during this time. When I came home on breaks we would meet up though and felt like I had never left; our friendship still seemed strong. As a side note, while I was gone at school she became a lot closer to a mutual friend. I thought once I lived near her again we would just all hang out.

    A few months before I moved back home I came out to her. I was in a serious relationship and my partner was planning on moving back with me so I needed everyone to know. She took it pretty well, or so I thought. I finally moved back home after school and was working 80-90 hours a week at an internship. I didn't have time to take care of myself, let alone time to hang out with friends! She basically made me feel guilty for being too exhausted to hang out. Long story short I quit the internship (way too stressful) but I feel like that kind of put a strain on our relationship.

    I started making more effort to hang out with her and tried setting up double dates with her and her husband. Every time we would go to dinner (maybe 2-3 times total), her husband would just sit there not interacting with us at all. Occasionally we would hang out just us 3 girls, and we asked her what his problem was. She blew it off and said oh he is just like that when he's around all girls. She said he has to have a guy around to feel comfortable. Well time goes on and we start hanging out less and less. BUT I see all these pictures of her and our mutual friend hanging out all the time. I ask her why she never tries to hang out with me and why she doesn't invite me to hang out with her and this other girl. She again blows this off saying "I really never ask her to hang out, she always initiates it. I'm bad at planning things". I really think she's full of you know what, because who wants to be freinds with someone that NEVER initiates hanging out? No one wants a one-sided friendship.

    Well, now I've moved a few hours away and tried seeing if she would come see the new house and new city we live in. It is kind of important to me; I really wanted to show her around and had a bunch of fun things planned that we could do. She literally told me that she's not free until JULY. Again, I think she's full of it. I just can't tell if I screwed the friendship up a while ago or if she's distant because I'm gay? She has said things like "oh what about so and so guy that you used to date? You didn't like him? Oh but you used to like having sex with guys didn't you?". She even had the audacity to tell me she knew a guy she thought I would like. The last time she actually DID invite me somewhere I asked if my partner could come and she told me it would just be "old friends". I get there and there are 3 other straight couples ive NEVER met and our mutual friend there with her boyfriend :rolle: So I can't help but feel like there's a little homophobia somewhere causing all of this.

    Lastly, I saw on social media over the weekend that she was at a wedding just 40 minutes from me. She never told me she was coming over here. I feel like a true friend would've said "hey I'm going to be near you on X date, want to try to meet up?" Instead I messaged her and she said "oh I would try to meet up but I have to get ready for the wedding" then shortly after I see a photo of her tanning at the pool.

    I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like the friendship is over, but I'm constantly dwelling on it and feel like I need closure. I was thinking about writing a letter because I'm horrible at getting across my feelings and thoughts by just talking. Thoughts? Suggestions?
     
  2. Missedchances

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    NJ
    Honestly I believe, you should try not to contact her and leave her alone. I went through the same thing when I came out to my best friend, he told me he was fine with me being gay but he just stopped wanting to hang out or talk. I think you just not associate with her, cuz she it doesnt look like she wants to talk or hang. So i think getting rid of toxic people is a better bet for you