So basically the day after I was suicidal ( I'm working through so childhood abuse issues that include my mom) I told my friend that I didn't want to go to church with her because I don't feel comfortable there because I'm gay. She responded to it by joking that god created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Then went on to tell me that if I really want to be a Christian the I have to do something about my "homosexual lifestyle". We talked some more and she went on to apologize for saying it and I actually thought that I forgave her even though her views haven't changed. I apparently didn't. I kind of acted out my hatred towards what she said by telling all my friends and the people that we work with (we both worked at the same place) what she said. I'm sorry that I acted in malice. She says it was a really nasty thing to do because the conversation just should of stayed between the two of us, but I felt so invalidated and felt like I was going crazy because I trusted her and felt like she was my friend, even though she said she never felt the same way about me because she felt like I never really acted like a friend. I feel like I'm a toxic person because I obviously act manipulative when I feel abused, but I really don't know anymore. Maybe I did use her, I mean, if I did use her to work out some of my issues with my mother then I'm sorry. She a lot like my mother so it felt safe I guess to work out my issues with her through my friend, I guess I'm codependent. It just felt healing to be around her, I didn't expect her to say that to me. Any advice or other perspectives on the situation would really be appreciated.
Hey sjmobley, I’m so sorry for what you are going through! Your friend was ignorant, but ignorance doesn’t necessarily imply malice, by any means. Homosexuals can definitely be Christians! In fact, all of the Biblical references against homosexuals/homosexual activity are in the Old Testament. Ironically, the last time I checked, being Christian meant that you focused on what Christ said (the New Testament). Anyway, there are a couple of threads here on EC that might help you to deal with being homosexual and Christian: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/49316-my-advice-about-being-lgbt-christian-very-long.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/65350-bible-tells-me-being-gay-wrong-now-i-just-dont-know-what-do.html#post1101418 In terms of acting out against her the way you did, well you have to deal with that. Do two wrongs make a right? Is wronging someone in that way Christian? Certainly she wounded you deeply, but, as a Christian, should your response, perhaps, been better if you could have simply opposed her views rather than shaming her publicly? She was never public about the views she expressed to you directly as a friend, was she? I don’t get the issue/idea of working out problems you had with your mother because you barely touched on that in your post. But what I would ask at this point is: what have to done to make amends for calling your friend out and shaming her publicly? You may never have the same relationship with her again after what happened, but at least the two of you can still potentially come to a level of mutual forgiveness that allows both of you to move on from this. It's not really fair to compare her to your mother, is it? She's her own person. Just as you are. Just my 2cents.
Dude, she sounds like a bigoted you know what! If she doesn't make you feel comfortable, then you shouldn't have to deal with her. I understand you enjoy her friendship but you did nothing wrong, after all everyone should be able to be angry once in a while. You don't have to yell at her and tell her you don't want to be friends anymore, you could just slowly back out of the friendship. Start to decline invites to hangout, ignore a couple texts or phone calls and she'll get the message.
I really only wanted to convert to Christianity because she was Christian. I had asked her about her views and she told me that the Bible stated clearly that anyone not Christian would go to hell. At that time I was working on some issues in my therapy about my mother and her abusive tendencies. My mother was physically abusive a few times and emotionally neglectful throughout my whole childhood. I feel like i was attracted to my friend because she wasn't emotionally available just like my mother. It's partly my fault. I acted out the towards her being emotionally unavailable by bad mouthing her in the past and it put a strain on the relationship. I've accepted that the relationship is over, and I called her a few hours ago to apologize about shaming her for her views. I still feel hurt because when I called her she said being gay and living the "homosexual lifestyle" not Christian and that it's "black and white" because it's clearly written in the Bible which makes it a "fact" apparently. She obviously isn't able to see anyone else's point of view, but i made it clear I still felt bad that I had shamed her by telling everyone else at work. It still feels like she was trying to manipulate me though by telling me that my views on homosexually are wrong because the Bible says so. I mean, I'm not Christian but I do believe in god but apparently that isn't enough, and neither is not being straight. I mean I was a bad friend I guess, but was she really that good of a friend either for saying that? I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior because it was really wrong of me. Also, thanks for replying so quickly. ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2017 at 01:59 AM ---------- I don't think she's a bigot though. She says that she accepts me and cares about me. She just doesn't agree with being gay, not because of her own feelings but because the Bible is "God's word" and that means it can't be wrong apparently.
Hey sjmobley, Maybe you can use some information from the threads that I posted for you, but, in the longrun, overturning someone's strong religious beliefs against homosexuality can be a major challenge. Not that it can't be done by any means. And, as I said, even in the Bible, the scriptures against homosexuality are in the Old Testament, so, if you are a Christian, shouldn't you focus on and rely on the New Testament (i.e. Christ's teachings)? Christ never said anything (at least that has been recorded) against homosexuality. And it could even be argued (although, of course, very controversially, that Jesus himself was Gay). All that aside, your biggest challenge would seem to be that if you want to keep your friend, you have to fight fire with fire and show her both the inconsistencies in the Bible (see the EC threads I directed you to) as well as the fact that Christ's teachings were always about acceptance, not about exclusion. Maybe I'm not helping. Sorry, if that's the case...
I'm thankful for any input really. I don't think we'll be friends again. I don't know, I guess I was just surprised by her views because she never said anything in the 2 1/2 years I've known her to hint that that's how she felt. I'm trying to move on, but i really did consider her my best friend even though our relationship was kind of codependent and messed up. I mean where do I go from here? I guess easier said than done making close friends in life lol.
So, I guess you probably have to ask yourself if continuing to be friends with her (the two years you have already been friends establishes your personal credibility to her, but is not so long an investment in time and effort as for you to just to consider just letting her go her own way. The choice is really yours at this point since she still seems open to being your friend. You could, potentially, have long-term positive impact on her views about the LGBTQ community - and possibly making a lifelong friend, but it's your call.
Is it a wise choice to continue with being friends with someone whom I considered a friend, but they say I'm not though? We've known each other for 2 1/2 years but she says it takes longer to consider someone a friend. She says I'm just an acquaintance to her and that I was never really there for her. I think she's right, the relationship was kind of one sided. Maybe it would be better of for both of us as she never even considered me a friend. I never really acted like one, but now she's not acting like one either. I mean, I had a lot of resentment towards her in our friendship because I felt she felt she was superior. Between me talking about her badly behind her back and her condescending and invalidating views towards me and me feelings, the only thing good about the relationship was that we had fun together. We did things like go to the movies and watch tv. I feel like if I went back she would always try to hold it against me what has happened and keep score in the relationship. It was really a toxic friendship. I basically acted out my relationship with my mother with another woman who felt safer to be with, although not much more safe and healthy really, and used her to heal from my past issues and wounds. Neither of us are really good for one another.
I've been through very similar experiences, with my parents unfortunately. I'be been a Christian my whole life, and as far as I know, the Bible says nothing against being gay and being attracted to men - it speaks out against a certain sexual act. That's it. There's a big discussion in the gay-Christian community over celibacy in light of that verse but that's an issue from a different thread. It's a shame that your friend reacted the way she did. I can totally understand relate to your need to have someone close by your side especially when your parents treated you the way they did. We all need someone to approve of us and accept us... you need to decide whether you want to have someone in your life who obviously can't do that. How would that affect you and your recovery? You will need to putt at first, in my opinion It's a shame your friend forgot her John 4:20 (see my signature) and John 3:16. For God so loved the world - a world that includes you, too.
I'm sorry that happened to you, I would say that that's an invalidating experience to say the least. My mother never cared if I was gay suprisingly, nobody in my family is really homophobic. Which is why I'm not sure what made me attract somebody like my friend in the first place. ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2017 at 04:35 AM ---------- Yep, I guess I have. Thanks for your support and input though, it was helpful to me.
