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The worst feeling. Tell me what you think.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by sweetprince, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. sweetprince

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    I hate it when people touch me. I hate it when people want something from me that I am too scared to give. I hate a lot of things.

    I hate missing people most of all. I hate missing people who touched me in more ways than just the physical. Once your soul has been touched, being touched by hands is light, insignificant.

    This is about being touched in that way. The way someone finds their way into deep recesses. Deep recesses of your heart.

    I knew someone almost a year and a half ago who touched me.
    I would say that I met him a year and a half ago but that isn’t entirely true. I had known him for years, but I only began to know him a year and a half ago.

    He was the only consistency in my life, the only person who made my smile genuine. I spent nights with him. Drinking vodka in parks, hugging him on his sister’s couch, feeling so entirely dependent on some part of him that I didn’t understand.

    He was my date chauffeur, taking me out with whatever guy I was interested in at the time, sitting silently beside me in the theatre, while my attentions were only directed towards the temporary man at my left.

    He drove us, this someone, from place to place, and then he drove me home.
    I started to realize how important he was to me. He was there, always there, always there for me when I needed him.

    If I ignored his texts he would cry, he would freak out. Wonder what he had done, plead with me to talk to him. Tell me I was the best friend he had ever had. He started calling me boo.

    In late December, when I realized how I was starting to feel, it was the scariest moment of my life. I was in love with Matthew and I had never wanted that.


    But I felt a reciprocated love. I felt like he loved me too. That is all I wanted. And after the luck I had had all of life, I felt like God owed me someone like him. I was selfish.

    On New Year’s Eve 2015 I told him how I felt. He didn’t reciprocate.

    My life broke down from there. Every feeling and word and glance from him was a double thought. He was the only thing that mattered to me. He was the one thing I wanted and couldn’t have.

    I, a spoiled child who had been given whatever he wanted his whole life, was not allowed the most important thing. Another’s heart.

    We continued with a sort of strange friendship for a few months, punctuated by arguments and life plans together that never came to fruition, yet we were just friends. Just friends and nothing else. Friends who told each other they loved each other. Friends who looked at each other with that look and held hands.

    I never will believe that.


    We broke apart over and over again. It was too hard. It was too painful. He told one of his friends that I broke his heart. Hard to do when all I was was a friend.

    He cried for a while. I cried for a while. Every day. For a year.

    He fell in love with someone else.

    I sat and stared. Miserable. Abandoned. Hurt.


    His eyes still dilated when he looked at me.

    We didn't speak for the last few months of high school, just caught him looking at me.

    We graduated high school.

    We were going to separate colleges, all our life plans shredded. Lost.




    He continued seeing his new boyfriend that summer after high school. I tried to be happy for him.

    We didn’t talk. I knew Matthew hated me. I dreamed of him every night.

    I woke up every morning in tears.



    I moved into college in August of 2016 and three days after I moved in he called me.

    He was crying, the guy had broke up with him. He needed to see me. He missed me.

    I saw him that night. Drove two hours. He hugged me for ten minutes and cried on me. His feeling was still the same. He didn’t love me. He didn't want to officially be with me.


    I was just his simple shoulder to cry on.


    I left, told him to lose contact with me. Told me that I was tired of being hurt. Tired of feeling for someone who didn’t care and never would reciprocate.

    Two months later he texted me and asked how I was. I ignored it.


    We tried things again in October. I called him in a Kroger parking lot on my way home for the weekend and asked if he wanted to see me. He did. He didn't want me to hang up the phone. I came over to his house and we hung out. I enjoyed his company like I always had.

    He never texted me back during this stint. I was no longer a priority like I once was. It broke my heart.

    I started an argument because I knew that was the only way he would ever talk to me.

    We fought. Threw nasty words at each other. We quit talking.

    I texted him again a week later to tell him my on and off boyfriend had cheated on me. Matthew took me to the movies that night because he didn’t want me to be sad. Because he still cared I guess. Idk.

    He started texting back consistently. Acting like he liked me. Well at least liked talking to me. Then he quit talking to me again. Asked me why it mattered to me so much why he ignored me. Why it hurt me if he didn’t talk to me.

    He knew the answer.

    I laid on my best friend’s arm that night and cried. Longing for the man who I had loved a year ago who would never have hurt me like that. The man who wanted my attention. My first love. Someone who didn't exist anymore.


    I texted him in December of 2016. Only to see if he was okay. There had been a terrible car accident on a road which he frequently traveled on.

    I ran into him at a gas station in March. We hugged and talked. He smelled good and looked rough. I shook all over the whole time. I cried at my dorm that night. A mutual friend told me he had a boyfriend.

    I acted like I didn’t care. Like after a year it didn’t bother me anymore.

    It ate me alive.




    Now, I just think about him. Wondering if he is just a memory. Wondering if the only man I have ever been in love with ever even thinks about me. Wishing he would text me. I know he still checks my twitter.


    I have no clue what to do or what to feel anymore.

    This is my miserable heartbreak story.
     
  2. sweetprince

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    I really am desperate for an opinion on Matthew.
     
  3. Asterion

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    I am sorry to hear that. I know that you still cling to some hope that things may still work between you two, however I would advise you to let it go. It could also be better if you cut contact with him. Do not text him (even if you do it only once or twice an year) and do not try to meet him. He has set himself very deep within your heart and at this point even trying to renew your friendship would only lead to pain. I know this hurts (I myself am in a very similar situation, been in love with him for almost four years now, living apart for almost two, yet I try to meet him whenever I visit my hometown), yet I advise you to sever all ties with him. Try to find something that fulfils you (literature, art, sports... anything will work) and maybe try to stay off romances for a while, to me it does not sound as if you are trying to get over him by getting boyfriends, but rather you are just trying to use them as a way to get what you desire in him.
     
    #3 Asterion, Apr 18, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2017
  4. photoguy93

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    I really have to second this.

    I don't believe that getting rid of the friendship is always the best - but in this case, I think it is. I've had many guys like this who just kind of kept me on the back burner and didn't value me. Get rid of those guys. I currently do have a friend who I had a crush on and we decided that our friendship matters most.

    I just don't think this guy cares about you - relationship OR friendship - so don't get too invested.
     
  5. sweetprince

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    I don't think he totally doesn't care about me. He still talks about me and asks about me but I think it probably is a good idea to sever ties. I deleted all my social media for a while cause I feel like all I do is look for him. I don't know. He has been the worst thing in my life. My past year or two has just been constantly about him and I'm tired of it.
     
  6. Asterion

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    It is not that he does not care about you. He probably does, and I believe that he does not intend to hurt you as much as he has, however the problem is that no matter what happens with him he is going to hurt you because you love him too much to see him as just a friend. You have given too much to him and even if he wanted to, I doubt that he would be able to give it back. You may need to have a long conversation with him about what he has meant to you to try to get some closure. Then you should cut all ties with him, at least until you can get your life together and be able to return to him as just a friend. If you decide to do this you should tell him why you are breaking contact with him, and make him understand that you have nothing against him, you just need to get some form of control over your life, and unfortunately you cannot do that with him around.