I Think I Like a Guy, but There Are Some Problems

Hey mrmarioluigi,

It sounds like you created this post was mostly for you to put things down in writing and try to work through things yourself and that you pretty much know what you want to do, but that you are just hesitant to do it. That’s cool.

Do you have some specific questions or advice you’re looking for from the people here on EC about this?

I’d just say that there is absolutely nothing that you wrote that should cause you to feel ashamed in the least. Most of us go through what you describe when we are coming to terms with our sexuality.

In terms of T, it sounds like you have crush on him. It sounds like he’s a pretty good guy, so you could simply start by talking to him more and seeing about making friends with him, as you said. Why not try engaging him more in class? If you are interested in art yourself, you could tell him that you thought that you heard that he’s an art major and ask him what kind of art he creates (what medium, what subject matter/themes, etc). Do you know if the two of you have any common hobbies or interests? You said he’s not very good with his Spanish. Are you good enough to offer to help tutor him on his pronunciation?

Just be the real you with him, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.

I don’t know if that helps…

 

It definitely sounds like you're interested in him but since you're figuring things out about your sexuality, you're not sure how far that interest runs. Do you just think he's cool and want to be friends? Or is it a crush?

I'd say there's no harm in trying to become closer friends with him. Get to know him more. See what feelings develop in you when you're around him. Eventually you will sort of what your interest is there.

 

Okay, so the first step is you'll have to reach out on FB because you don't even know if he's still in NY. That's kind of a critical step, haha.

If he is still in NY, I'd suggest telling him you heard about some cool art exhibit (do some research, especially if you're in/near NYC, we have tons of cool art exhibits) and you remembered how into art he was so you thought about asking him if he'd want to go check it out. It's pretty innocent, could easily be platonic (so he won't be like wtf is this guy asking me on a date) and if he says yes, you'd have the chance to spend time with him and get to know him more. And if he says no, at least you tried.

 

Hey mrmarioluigi,

I guess it really depends on what you want to do right now. If he's not even in New York, chances of having a relationship with him right now, even a simply friendship would seem slim.

You could chalk this one up to a lesson-learned about how not to wait the next time you get such feelings about someone.

If you really want to at least follow-up, I think you could find a pretty innocuous way of messaging him on FB. Such as doing like COS said and researching an interesting-seeming art exhibit, then telling him about it on FB and ask if he'd like to go (because you'd like to go, but don't care to go alone and you remembered that you heard that he is an artist or aspiring-artist himself). Or something along those lines. You don't have to mention that you think he's out of town. If he is, he should tell you that he can't attend with you because he is out of town.

That wouldn't be creepy. I mean, short of contacting him out of the blue and telling him that you have a crush on him, I doubt that anything you're likely to say would sound creepy to him - especially since you seem very sensitive to/aware of this.

As COS said, what do you have to lose? If you don't ask, you'll definitely never know, so it kinda depends on how willing you are to just let this go.

Oh, and still thinking about him months after you last talked to him or even saw him is a pretty strong indicator that you have a crush on him.

 

Hey mrmarioluigi,

I think that would be a great idea (assuming he is in New York and willing to go). You could tell him about your assignment and that you thought you remembered that he was an art major and seemed like a nice guy, so you were wondering if he could go with you and maybe give you his perspective and/or at least be willing to discuss the items on display that are relevant to your class. Then, if you want, you could tell him you'd be happy to take him for lunch, dinner, or simply coffee afterwards as a 'thank you'. If he agrees to this, you could basically have yourselves an undeclared 'date' and be able to spend some quality time getting to know each other.

A key element in starting any relationship is just getting to know the other person.

 

Look at you going for it! Using the assignment is a great idea! And you sent the perfect kind of message. I hope he responds!

Semi-related, the coolest first date I've ever been on was a guy (who ended up being a little crazy but I'm still crediting him for the cool idea) suggesting that we check out all of the new art exhibit openings that happen every Thursday night here in Manhattan. Usually around like 14 street and 10th ave or so. Not far from the Highline (which, in itself, is an awesome place to go for a hang out/date).

Whatever happens, you did great! I'm impressed! (!)

 

Hey mrmarioluigi,

Try not to get too anxious about this. Remember, you are the only one who is emotionally invested in this right now. He doesn't even have any idea about all of the possible scenarios playing in your mind right now.

And what's the worst that can happen? That things don't end up going anywhere? At least you're making an effort and you're not doing it haphazadly. You've put a lot of thought into this.

To paraphrase COS, 'you're doing great!'

 

Hey mrmarioluigi,

First of all:

Second, look, you're not lying to him. You are being friendly and really want to make a friend of him. You really have an art assignment and, frankly, his input could be very useful. The ONLY thing you are hiding from him right now is that you might have some romantic interest in him, as well, and are hoping to see if, by getting to know him better, that interest has any possibility of being returned.

Third, I wanted to make a dating idea suggestion that is similar to COS' comment about going to new art exhibit openings. I've always found that going to local festivals (arts, crafts, food, music, ethnic, etc) are always good for just 'hanging out' with someone or for a dating idea. You get one-on-one time to just talk to them and discover/discuss new and interesting things together - thus getting to know each other much better. I'm sure in NYC those kinds of festivals are going on somewhere all the time in the spring/summer/fall.

 

If you check out Time Out NY, they always have a list of free events going on around the city. Now that the weather is getting nice, there will be tons of stuff. Plus like I said earlier there's always something like the Highline, which is an old overhead train track that has been converted into a park. It's really fun to walk the whole thing, it stretches from 14th street to about 34th street, and there's art pieces on it, lots of grass, great views, food carts, etc. And it is literally free as free can be (unless you're buying food, obvi). It is one of my favorite things to do.

I love living in NYC, in case it isn't obvious, haha.

mrmarioluigi, I'm so glad he responded! And he remembers you! Definitely already not the worst-case-scenario!

 

Hey mrmarioluigi,

Kudos to you, though! I'm so happy that you took the initiative and followed through! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I’m really glad that you went with him for coffee after the museum. (Remember, I suggested that you invite him for coffee or lunch or dinner as a ‘thank you’ for taking the time to help you out.) I figured that your most direct, get-to-know-him type of conversation would happen over a restaurant/coffee shop table, not in the museum.

It sounds like you were super nervous. Maybe now that you know him better, you can really be more open and just relax around him the next time the two of you hang out.

He sounds like he’ll make an interesting friend, but nothing you wrote seems to give any indication that he might be gay or bi. As your intuition says, he’s probably just straight. Regardless, from your description, he’s a really nice, funny guy and could be a really good friend, unless you are concerned that your crush on him might complicate things for you. You can never have too many good friends!

If you decide to keep hanging out with him, at some point you could just ask him if he’s ever considered dating a guy. From what you’ve said, he seems like he’s at least and LGBTQ Ally, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about if you asked such a question. If he turns the question back on you, you could admit that you’ve thought about it, but you are really just shy and don’t really ‘connect’ with many people to begin with.

Did you follow-up with a FB Message to let him know what a great time you had hanging out with him like that?

 

Hey mrmarioluigi,

I don't think it's too late at all to follow-up. You just went to the MOMA yesterday, right? You can still message him today and let him know that you really enjoyed hanging out with him and that you definitely want to do something like that again soon.

In fact, not messaging him right away was probably a good thing. If you messaged him right away, you might seem a little too eager. Messaging him 24-48 hours later (as in this case) would be pretty normal, in my opinion.

Just my thoughts.

 

So proud of you that you followed through with this? Did you guys see anything particularly cool at MoMA? I haven't been in awhile, not sure if there are any new exciting exhibits to be on the lookout for.

It does sound to me like he's straight. If you do think your crush won't affect the friendship (as Quantumreality said) then becoming closer friends could be a really good thing for both of you. And who knows, maybe he has some gay friends he could introduce you to!