my girlfriend is mildly unassuming, and yet stunning if you payed any sort of attention to her: ocean blue eyes, a penchant for jean jackets, long ginger-blonde hair twisted into double french braids, fluent in french. we were childhood friends, met up again in high school, graduated to best friends for a year or two, and by november of last year i decided that it was over. by that time i felt inexplicably enamored with her, and that was enough to drive me to ask her out to the old-school dinner and a movie. we were practically dating at the time regardless. she convinced me to order a vegan ice-cream sandwich as a main course, talked about her future bicep tattoo, and that's when i decided that we just... worked in a wonderfully weird way. xxxx months seemed to blend into one another, and here i am. we've cultivated inside jokes, carved our little niche in the universe, and taken care of each other the best we could, ditching normalcy out the window. we go to the same school and belong to the same friend group, so we don't spend much time apart. she was the first person i came out to as a trans guy two years ago, and it makes zero difference to her. truly, i do love her. she's the right mix of headstrong, dog-appreciative, 90's nostalgia, meme-loving, and eccentric. xxxx but i'm just not sure if i'm in love with her romantically anymore. all of sudden, i've been hit with a Gay Revival(tm) towards men and it's completely tilted me off my axis. for a long time i identified as bisexual, but i'm thinking that i might be actually gay, as for whatever reason, i'm feeling like my attraction towards women is nosediving towards zero and my attraction towards men is on the upwards. i've only ever held hands and kissed my girlfriend on occasion, our dynamic is something like best-friends-with-innocent-benefits, and it's just not satisfying me. if i had any prospects of a gay relationship with a decent guy, as i'm stuck at a small college prep with nobody i'm interested in, i'd probably leave my girlfriend at this point. xxxxat the same time, remembering back to the first few months we dated... how nervous i was on the phone the night i asked her out, the butterflies i felt when i saw her, awkwardly flirting in secret (others would have perceived it as a lesbian relationship as i'm stuck somewhat in the closet as a trans guy), those short timid half-smiling kisses i stole, the playlists i made her, the picnics, the blah blah blah... i think i was attracted to her at the start and i don't want to leave her if this is just a fleeting feeling, as our breakup (even if understanding and bittersweet) could potentially ruin our friendship. she identifies as asexual, and i've known for a long time, but i wonder if subconsciously that's what has been putting me off. either way, it just feels different. hollow. i'm not sure if i'm capable of genuinely being in love with a woman, although i think i was at some point i was. i feel so terrible for staying with her, as if she's some kind of experiment now, and i really don't want to break her heart. at the same time, i really don't want to be gay either, sad as it is. it's hard enough to be a straight trans man, and i've come out several times about my sexuality as i've been confused about mine for years. the only constant is my gender identity, and i'm stuck in the closet. any advice for a guy in need? sorry, i put a lot on your plate there.
