I've had a long time major crush on my best friend- she doesn't even know I'm gay

I guess I should start with the back story: I've had periods of confusion about my sexuality since I was a preteen, much of the confusion was brought by being able to find men being handsome and thinking "Well, if I can find him aesthetically pleasing I must not be gay.", but in the end, not being attracted to the physique of men, not wanting to be with them romantically or sexually, and something not being there emotionally with men I've always come to the conclusion that I'm a lesbian no matter how handsome a man's face is, because what I don't feel for a man in those ways I feel for women. I had a girlfriend for two years ages 14 to 16 where I was sure I was a lesbian, but after we broke up I was lost in every way, I didn't like anyone and was kind of thrown back into the closet partly by myself and partly by my family. I come from a very religious family and would even consider myself very religious, within the last few years I've started attending church, and ages 16-18 I think I distracted myself from my sexuality and once again I was confused, but again, ultimately came to the conclusion I was a lesbian, but the summer I turned 18 this guy from church(who knew that I was gay) became completely enthralled with me and ended up going through another friend to talk to me about him. I was flattered that he liked me, he was a nice guy, he was a good friend, so my mind set at the time was "He's a nice guy, he's not bad looking, and the church wouldn't recognize it if you were with a woman anyway." It wasn't a physical relationship at all and only lasted a month because it felt bizarre to both of us, that's my biggest regret, I look back and think "You knew you were gay, wtf were you doing?" Because despite him being a nice guy..it was just not natural to me at all. I don't even count that as a real relationship.

I'm so sorry this is so long, I'm finally getting to this point, BUT my best friend that I've been crushing on a year and a half now basically came in at all the wrong times(maybe it's a sign?), she moved here the year after my ex girlfriend and I broke up and it wasn't until right after me and my ex "boyfriend"(whatever he was) broke up. She knows that I've had a girlfriend, maybe even for two years, but she only pretty much first hand knows that I had a "boyfriend". She's a lesbian and I'm not sure why I'm nervous about telling her I'm gay,maybe because I feel like given the past with the boyfriend story or the religion thing, maybe it's a fear of being vulnerable, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if she knows, because I think I've said some vague hints, I don't talk about guys to her, obviously because she's the one I like. I kind of wondered if she's flirted with me before, she's been very touchy-feely with me, huggy, and kissing me on the cheek a few times. She's told me she loves me. She's described me as a "life partner" and told me prom night that I looked "So beautiful" and "If you were gay I'd be your best friend....sexually" We're two very different people, but we get along really well and I've liked her for what feels so long now. It kind of sucks being stuck where I'm at but then again I wonder if it's for the best...but I also wonder what could be. I'm sorry this is so long, but what would you do??

 

Thanks for your answers, you've given me a bit of confidence and make me feel like I'm not crazy for thinking she *might* be interested or at least open

 

Oh, no he's gay, at least if he is he's not out, I'm sorry if I misled you or anyone else to think I'm shading him as a person, he's a very sweet genuine person that I'll always consider a friend, it's just our "relationship" didn't work out for obvious reasons, I'm sorry if I seemed like I was being rude about him.

She has had a girlfriend most of the time that we've been friends, so that's a big reason that this is just now coming up where I'm saying "Could she like me?" Of course, that's also a big reason I kept my distance, even though her and her girlfriend were long distance. They only saw each other a handful of times each year and I only met her once, because she never came her, my friend always went there. I'm not sure about why I'm this way now, I really think that somewhat ties in with the fear of rejection, because even though she's said she loves me and I'm her "life partner", like you said I've always just naturally assumed it's as a close friend, because in my mind I guess it would be "unreal" for her to like me back. My mind says "Is she flirting?" then it says "There's no way she likes you like that." I'm slightly insecure, I believe that I have a likable personality, but then I think "Well, I'm not really pretty enough." or "I'm funny, but I'm sure I'm slightly annoying." As far as simply coming out, like I said after my girlfriend and I broke up, it was like I was forced back into the closet, because I think the people around me were like "Oh, thank God that phase is over! She's gonna like guys now, get married and have kids." and all of that traditional stuff and I was so confused about who I was at the time, because on top of people feeling that way, I never came out to my family, they found out and they've still ever yet to take the time to actually talk to me about it. I hid it and have hidden it for so long that it's just the way I am, I'm very reserved, about many things, not just being gay. I guess because I assumed that she doesn't like me romantically that my sexuality was more or less..irrelevant and I've been single for all the time that I've been close friends with her and she had a girlfriend for most of the time which to me made it even more irrelevant. Now I feel like if I tell her, despite dropping hints, she'll be really shocked...or maybe not shocked at all, I dunno..I go back and forth on that, but lean on shocked, because I don't have an excuse other than "I didn't really feel like it mattered." But of course, like I said it "didn't matter" because that was never going happen.

 

Sorry I haven't been on for a while, I've had a someone busy, yet dragging week. Last weekend I hungout with the friend that I'm speaking of and one of our other friends. I didn't get around to telling her anything, because one of our other friends was there and of course I'm very nervous. She informed me that "You're mysterious, there's just a mysterious air about you, I think that's why our relationship is so sexual" (uhm what? It's not sexual at all, I may wish it was but it isn't, I wondered if she meant we kind of flirt..because like I said in the original post, sometimes I wonder.) She also, once again made a joke of be being her "new girlfriend" and joked(?) once again that she'd have no problem being with me physically, and when I smashed my fingers(nothing serious) she offered to kiss them...she always seems like she's joking but I can't help but wonder if maybe she's being serious, but then again I might just be insane because I also occasionally wonder about her and the friend we were hanging out with, but I don't really see why they'd have to hide their relationship from me unless it's out of fear that I might feel like a third wheel..that is IF they are together.