What am i going to do?

So many of these posts but still it is important for me to get it off my chest.

The dreaded my best friend story. Here goes!

My best friend, friend for over 15 years. We message each other all day long. She calls me almost nightly on her way home.
The problem is....I'm in love with her. She has a boyfriend. They have been together for 10 years. I told her how i felt abt her but she told me she is unable to come to grips with how i feel. She said she hears what I'm saying but it hasn't sunken in for her.

We flirt non stop. I know she feels abt me the way i feel abt her but she is unable to say it. She affects me so much that i think that what is best for me is to get some space for her but every time i try i am virtually unable to. I care abt her so deeply that i dont want to hurt her but by me not hurting her i am hurting myself. I feel depression setting in more and more every day.

She is very good about not discussing her boyfriend with me but i feel bad about her having to keep that part a secret. I know I'm not making up how she feels about me even though she wont say it.

I just want to release myswlf from this feeling. I feel so sad every day. She is a source of happiness for me but also a source of sadness. She means so much to me but i think it is time i look after myself. How do i tell her that we meed to take a break? I know it will devastate her.

 

That's the thing. I'm not really attracted to girls. Always saw myself as straight before her. But there is just something with her that just pulls me to her and she knows it. I know she feels something for me too. I'm just not sure what it is because she would never say. At one point she even stopped talking to me because she said that I affect her too much. I affect how she sees and feels about herself. I tell her I lover her all the time and she always tells me she loves me.
I want to create some space and let her know that I'm not trying to hurt her but it's just not a good situation for me. The thought of hurting her stops me from telling her i need space. The hurt always falls on me. I always absorb the hurt. I don't want to anymore.

 

You know what, since feeling this way about her no one has become even remotely attractive to me. I have not thought or had interest in anyone but her. But maybe it is time I do.

 

Hey @silverhalo
Thanks for listening to my crazy. I know what i need to do it's just hard to do it. Thank you so much for your advice. I feel myself growing stronger each day and becoming more determined to break this unhealthy cycle. I'm ready to start living

 

She has been sending me more and more selfies over the past 3 weeks. Sends a lot of those kissing emojis. She always wants to know where i am and with who.

Today i told her it makes me sad when she is at her boyfriend's house. She told me I'm not being fair because i can be at a friend with benefits house but shr can't be at her boyfriend's house. I told her i don't like it but i want her to be happy so it is what it is. She asked me if wanted her to stop seeing him. I was honest with her and told her yes but i don't want that to be the reason she breaks up with him. It has to be her decison. She said ok and i left it there. She is driving me crazy.

I'm not sure what to think of her at this point. Ive told her and i want to kiss her and she will ask me where. She flirts a lot. Sometimes it surprises me. Do you think shr is playing games?

 

This is the thing. We are both from an incredibly homophobic society. I am no longer but she still is. I think she is afraid to express herself in that way. She is also really religious and that would not allow her to express herself that way.

I don't think I am asking her to give up what she has. I just want her to acknowledge what is happening between us so i don't feel like I'm making it up or imagining it. I don't want to break up her relationship. I just want to know that I'm not creating what is happening in my mind. I love her enough to let her go and to be happy with him. But i also want her to know that she can't have her cake and eat it too.

 

I understand that. I doubt I woild have told her how i feel about her if I was still in thr environment she is in. It is just hard for me and there is no wrong or right answer. Either way one of us will get hurt. I just hate that she affects me so much. One minute and can feel like I'm on top of the world and the next minute i feel like garbage. I just want the torture to end

 

I'm not sure if I'm in or out. She is my first female crush. I don't feel this way about any other female. I don't have a fear of coming out. I'm just not sure what I am yet. Yesterday i tried to create some space between us. That lasted all of 4 hours. She gets upset when I'm not in contact with her. She called me yesterday to let me know it. I may want to step back and take aa break from her though. I think it is necessary. Right now she is going through a rough time so it's not a good time to disappear from her. Things should settle down at the end of May. I will talk to her then abt creating some space between us.

She told me yesterday that because of me she is uncomfortable when she is with her bf. I asked her how i do that. She said i just do. I'm not sure why I would make her uncomfortable. I've told her that i support the both of them being together and i would never interfere as long as she is happy. She was unable to tell me that she is happy. I'm not sure why.

That's my rant for today. Thank you for listening silverhalo

 

We've been friends for 16 years. Very close for 6 and flirty for the past 2. She is driving me crazy. Last year she stopped talking to me for about 5 months. She claims i was disrespectful. I didn't see it that way but i apologized anyway for hurting her. She shut me out for 5 months. I respected her feelings and left her alone since it was very hard to get through to her and she was being very unpleasant. Eventually she came around after time only to tell me that i didn't try hard enough to win her over. We have a very complicated history. She told me that I'm the person who has hurt her the worst. I'm not aware of it and she will not discuss it. I don't know what i have done and what she is holding against me. The truth is and I've told her too that I love her unconditionally. Of course...she doesn't believe it.

She also can recite the dates of every time i have hurt her. That can't be healthy. I can't because if i have forgiven you i have let it go. I don't like being weighed down by the past. She drives me crazy and gives me life at the same time. What am i going to do with her?

 

I haven't asked her directly what she wants from me. I suspect i wont get a direct answer. As everything with her is like pulling teeth. I'm definitely thinking run for hills 90%of the time. Not because i dont love and care for her but because everything feels so unhealthy.

Currently she hasn't messaged me in the last 5 hours and i know it is because she is with her bf. She claims she doesn't like to message when she is there becsuse things become awkward for her. But what will happen is the minute she steps into her car she will call me and we will talk for her drive home. She wants me to stay on the line until she is inside and safe which i don't mind but i dont like the feeling of knowing that i come after she has had her fun with him. I'm not sure if I am conveying that correctly. I hope you understand what I'm saying.

Actually silverhalo i nevee ever speak about it because who would i speak to? She is my best friend. I appreciate you listening because i am actually hearing myself out loud and hearing how crazy the situation sounds. I'm thinking I deserve more. I deserve someone who will stand up and shout out i want you. I would most definitely do that for her. Talking to youhas given me a new peespective. It's almost cathartic. Most of my thoughts were inside thoughts. Seeing them and typing them and hearing them has given me a new perspective. For that i appreciate you silverhalo.