Oh no. Think I'm falling for him again. Catch 22.

Me : closeted, questioning/bi, not in relationship
Him : recently split from a girlfriend (they never "seemed right" together from when I saw them. It felt like she was a beard even if he/they were both unaware). He's considerably younger than me but our ages don't really count for anything. I suspect he is closeted/questioning and has been all his life. I also suspect he forced himself to act straight / get girlfriends due to bullying at school when he was younger.

In the last few years we have become close friends but don't live near eachother so actual face to face contact is usually only when we work together (same seasonal job)

A few years ago I fell for him. I picked up lots of little signs that he was possibly LGBT despite having had girlfriends. Forgive the cliche, but him having been a high achieving ballet dancer as a youngster was also a clue. The main thing was the eye contact. The smiliest, most intense eye contact ever. Always locking eyes and smiling when talking to me. I had to force myself to look away sometimes.

In the period between first meeting, becoming friends and now, he got back with his girlfriend. That recently ended again. We are now in face to face contact again on a daily basis due to work and sometimes share rooms and occasionally a bed due to rooming arrangements at work. Nothing sexual has occurred or been hinted at. However he is back to this intense eye contact. The other night I found him asleep in the middle of the night with his face mere inches from mine. I swear it felt like he put himself in that sleeping position deliberately.

I also caught him checking me in my underwear one night, talking to me but then looking down twice and then back up. Another time I was doing up my jeans and he was looking but when I caught him he looked away quickly. He has also recently taken to calling me pet names - something no straight guys would call eachother - and in front of other people.

There have been a few other little things that just lead me to suspect. It feels like he is trying to act straight sometimes. At the same time I don't want to keep misreading clues, getting hurt all over again through my own fault and putting our actual friendship in jeopardy.

I'm happy being close to this guy again as a friend but worried that I'm falling for him all over again, and I can't help it. Last time, when we moved back to our homes after working together for a few months, I was devastated. It took me a long time to heal. I felt I had misread a crush and allowed myself to fall for him. But the signs have returned and I don't know what to do.

Since the day I first met him I suspected he might be gay and it didn't take me long to develop the dreaded crush once he started giving me signs he liked me. I also think his mother suspects he is gay and get this feeling she would actually welcome us being a couple. I know my mother thinks he's lovely, probably suspects I'm bi/gay and thinks the same.

The most important thing to me is retaining our friendship and allowing it to grow. I'm not even really sexually attracted to him. I just love being close to him and spending time with him. I don't want to screw things up or leave myself vulnerable / in a sad place again.

One thing I have decided to do is to at least maintain happy, smiling eye contact with him the next time we speak and see who looks away first. Because I think he is trying to act straight at times (also sometimes talks about a female celeb being fit) I don't want to ask him direct questions or come out to him. I would only come out to him if I thought he felt the same. The eternal catch 22.

If you have any other suggestions I would welcome them

 

Thanks,

We are in quite regular contact when we don't actually see eachother. He goes through periods of messaging me to an extent that would be comparable to messaging a partner. Then there might not be contact between us for a little while. He knows I view him as a really close friend. We share quite a few interests in common and we've shared quite a lot of experiences.

He's old enough for the age difference to not be a factor.

What I'm trying to do is work out how to tread so I don't screw up our friendship - whilst wanting to be able to correctly interpret some of the hints he has been giving me.

I really feel he is the one and I think he feels something special toward me. But it's all based on gut feeling and many other small factors. I don't know any other straight friends who have the characteristics he does. He's not "obviously" gay or camp but there is a "certain" gayness which I can't ignore. Every other time I've fallen for a suspected closeted guy they have eventually come out - sometimes years later. I think I recognise in them the very things that keep me closeted but potentially wanting to come out as bi.

And it is absolutely, perfectly possible for me to want him to be the love of my life without ever wanting to have sex with him. If I found he felt the same way about me then I would find it easy to move into a physical relationship. But at the moment my priority is our friendship and getting the most out of the time we spend together.

Are there any hints I could give him about myself and how I feel about him without making a fool of myself?