Right, first post! I have a friend who I've been best friends with for almost 8 years now. We became close friends in our early 20s and now live in the same area (basically where we both grew up). Early in our friendship I developed feelings for him. We spent a lot of 1 on 1 time together and I thought the feelings were reciprocated due to all the usual signs, constant texting and phone calls between us, constant eye contact and touchy feely behaviour. I knew that he had previously had two girlfriends (one long term), but since we had started to hang out he seemed no longer interested in pursuing other relationships. Some of my other friends at the time even thought that we were in a relationship. So at this point in my life I was still figuring out my sexuality. But I had come to the conclusion that I was at least Bi, so I came out to him and then professed my feelings for him. As you would expect in these situations he shot me down and told me he was straight. But we continued to hang out..just the two of us. We would go to the cinema together, go out for meals and even go travelling together, sharing the same hotel rooms etc. He continued to have no romantic relationships and I just went with the flow, also having no romantic relationships. Approximately a year later I told him again I still had feelings for him and if he ever wanted more then just friendship then he would need to take the next move. Basically I didn't want to weird him out. He said he was straight and didn't want a sexual relationship with me. That was about six years ago and we continue to have the same relationship. I find him so confusing. We still hang out every week, just the two of us. We eat out together, we go to the cinema, he often comes round to mine to hang out. Over the previous 6 years we've been on lots of holidays together just the two of us, always sharing accomodation. It's as if we're in a relationship but he's just not willing to take it a step further... Or perhaps we are just best friends and doesn't have those types of feelings for me? The thing I don't get is that since we became really close friends 8 years ago neither of us of have had romantic relationships. And there's been a multitude of things over the years that would say to me that he is interested in me. Whether it's touchy feeliness, giving me evil stares/ignoring me if we're out and I chat to an attractive guy/girl (the stares happen pretty often), to even walking around in his underwear in the hotel rooms we share when we go away (even though he knows I'm attracted to him). I asked him again recently if he was 100% straight and he said he was. I just don't get it! So not sure what to do about this confusing relationship.... I'm fully aware of the fact it's unhealthy but I really like the guy, we have so much in common and get on incredibly well. But I'm not sure where to take this friendship, or should I just move on or try to force him to have a proper discussion about all of this?
Hi Gofigure. It seems that your friend has some feelings for you, especially since this situation was going on for eight years. You mentioned that he wasn't in a relationship with another woman during this time, but did he show similar behaviours towards other men or are these just limited to you? You've developed a great bond between each other and he seems to be understanding about your sexuality, so I think that you should discuss your feelings in detail. Try to talk about the signs he gives you that make you feel how you fell towards him. If he still insists that he isn't gay, then ask him not to lead you on with signs signs. If he still values your friendship then he'll respect that. I understand the difficulty of the situation you're in, I've been through something similar in the past months. Hope it turns out well for you both.
I could've almost written your thread. So many parallels. Whatever you do, I hope that the friendship remains your first priority. In his case he could be extremely anxious about coming out or admitting any kind of bi curiousness, even after 8 years. The fact he hasn't had a relationship seems to suggest that he can't / doesn't want to - because of his friendship/connection with you and the unspoken feeling that maybe you are already in a non-physical/non-intimate relationship. It can take people a lifetime to come to terms with their sexuality through constant questioning and reassesment. And I happen to believe that sexuality is fluid for some people anyway. You could at least say "hey, do you realise that some of the things you do suggest to me that you would like our relationship to go to another place. I don't want you to feel any pressure but if you ever want to discuss your feelings then I am totally open to doing so and the conversation will go no further and you have my total support". If he continues to say "I'm straight" then unfortunately there is nothing you can do unless/until he is ready to realise/admit otherwise. I am in the exact same position. I am 98 percent certain my friend isn't really straight and I would burst with joy if we could become partners. I'd even settle for your situation where you are in a "friendship relationship" where you see that person all the time.
Thanks for your comments Redtrekkie. About your question, I've never seen him show an interest in another guy or girl when he's around me. Although I'm positive he flirts with people when I'm not around, similar to me. And we never tend to talk about other people we might fancy. I've tried to bring up these subjects in the past with him and he always gets defensive about it, or tends to cut the conversation short. Southpaw, thanks for your reply. I think you're right about him not having a relationship suggests there's at least something between us. And yes, his friendship is definitely the number one priority for me. I would never want to put that in risk. I guess that's why I haven't pushed it over the last few years. Sometimes I think I should though, or this could continue for a long time. hope it turns out well with your friend Southpaw!
Hey GoFigure, At this point, I think you just have to try to get over your romantic feelings for him and just concentrate on your friendship with him. I know that is much easier said than done, but you've asked him twice now if he is completely straight and he's given you the same answer. You've made it completely clear where you stand to him, so if anything is ever going to happen romantically between the two of you, it will be on his initiative. Given how long you two have been friends, I'd say that if he was ever going to develop romantic feelings for you, it would already have happened. Maybe if you find yourself a gf/bf, you could move on with your romantic life and find it easier to get over your romantic feelings for him. Alternately, maybe the two of you need some time apart so that you can sort things out in your own mind. Just my 2cents.
