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Parents in heavy denial

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ineedtostop, May 9, 2017.

  1. ineedtostop

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    I recently came out to my parents on my 18th birthday. I'd known that I was gay since 6th or 7th grade, but my parents have always shunned talks about anything sexual and were openly anti-gay. Both protested against the legalization of gay marriage, and both think gay relationships are unnatural and against God. Naturally, when I came out, they were shocked, but I thought they were being fairly accepting of me, and I was incredibly grateful to have it off my chest.

    However, after a week, my parents came to me and said that they don't think that I'm truly gay, and that I've just convinced myself I'm gay because I want to be special. Their justification is that apparently nobody in their family is gay, so I can't be gay because I don't have the genes. Both are guilt tripping me with stories of my mom crying herself to sleep at night because of me, and both want me to date girls and not guys because I'm apparently not really gay and because gay sex is too dangerous. Both also are very firm in their demands for grandchildren from me.

    I need some advice on how to deal with this situation. My parents have always been loving and supportive of everything I've done, and things are incredibly awkward between us as every conversation is either a guilt trip or an attempt to bring me to a conversion therapist. Nothing I say seems to make them believe me, and this situation has been dragging on for several months now. I'm going through tough enough times right now without my home being a constant warzone. Has anybody been/is in a similar situation, or has advice to offer?
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey ineedtostop,

    I haven't been in your situation, but I do understand much of what is going on.

    Your parents are in deep denial about your sexuality. It sounds like they buy into mainstream interpretations of the Scriptures, but that is a false path.

    As I'm sure you know, your sexuality is part of how you were born to be. It's not a choice and it's certainly neither a 'phase' nor unnatural. Based on many of the best current studies, at least 10% of the current population is LGBTQ.

    IMO, the best thing you can do is to try educate your parents about the reality of sexuality, which they clearly don't understand.

    There are many resources out there. For example, the Our Children pamphlet which you can download and/or print from the PFLAG Website.

    In terms of countering ridiculous religious (and man-made) doctrine in the Bible, perhaps check out these threads:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/49316-my-advice-about-being-lgbt-christian-very-long.html

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/65350-bible-tells-me-being-gay-wrong-now-i-just-dont-know-what-do.html#post1101418

    Also, please check out these other EC links to see if they might help:

    http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/stages-of-coming-out.php

    http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/parentfamily-stages-of-grief.php

    I wish you all the best!:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, May 9, 2017
    Last edited: May 9, 2017
  3. Jax12

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    I'm in a very similar situation. While my parents never voiced their opinions about LGBT, they definitely do not believe in same sex relationships and the fact that I'm gay. I too, thought they would be supportive as they have been with everything that I've done, but I was wrong. They keep calling my boyfriend my friend, and aren't a fan of my boyfriend coming over even if they call him my friend. My family is also religious as well.

    However, in all other aspects of my life, they treat me no different than who I was before I came out (2 years ago, approaching 3). I've begun to accept the idea that my parents very well may not change their beliefs on same sex relationships and the LGBT community. It still upsets me, but there isn't really anything I can do about it. That's just something I'll have to leave on the plate hoping they'll come around, but I won't be waiting.

    I'm very happy now that I finally discovered a part of myself and accepted it. My family can either choose to be part of it, or stay in their little bubble. Educating my parents about LGBT is like talking to a brick wall (at least at the moment); it's just not possible right now. Getting my parents to accept LGBT is like them telling me that being gay isn't right.

    Move on with your life, focus on your future, and find friends that will support you and help you along the way. If your parents are like mine but just deny that part of your life (sexuality), don't forget what they've done for you. That's how I've been able to have some closure for myself.
     
    #3 Jax12, May 9, 2017
    Last edited: May 9, 2017
  4. cakepiecookie

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    They're in denial right now and I don't think there's much you can do to convince other than life your life and give them time to hopefully come to a place of acceptance.

    As for dealing with conversations, stop engaging them. If they start up again tell them "You know my answer on this and I'm not willing to discuss it". Rinse and repeat.
     
  5. novena

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    In my experience, denial always fades over time and eventually things will be alright. However, considering this can literally take months I recommend having a chat with them and maybe linking them to some information like one of the earlier replies did.

    Even this could not work. You might have to live your life, let them live theirs, and find peace with the situation if they're that adamant in their beliefs. Good luck with this.
     
  6. Fishtail

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    Any change to sleep by a friend for a while to have a distance from you parents?
    Or renting a room from a cheap motel?

    And remember that you don't OWN them grandkids, it's youself that decide you life.
     
    #6 Fishtail, May 10, 2017
    Last edited: May 10, 2017
  7. Mister Tee

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    I haven't come out to my parents yet and I am a bit older but still feel like I'm in a similar situation. The person in denial for me is my wife. I finally told her; it turned into a huge discussion, which was good, but by the end of it she was saying things like we will get through this. I know I am the problem, too afraid to "start over" at this point in my life. I like my life... for the most part, just not that I am still struggling sexuality. My wife was actually the 2nd person I told, the first was my best friend it went awesome, he wasn't surprised and by the next day nothing felt weird or different between us. I had hoped for a similar sentiment from my wife... maybe it is, she wants nothing to be different between us. I could very easily stay married; don't like the idea of my needs hurting people. I need things to be different, not ignored.
     
  8. Oniisan011701

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    I can relate, I`m only 16 but my mum found out I`m gay last year, banned me from seeing my boyfriend (or anyone), pretends that I`m straight and wants to ``chose a wife for me``, and would never accept me..... Just stay strong bro
     
  9. duff0286

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    First of all, what a day to come out. But hey, you have to do it when you feel it's the right time.
    I agree with the others. Their ignorance to your sexuality, is obviously limited exposure to other gay people.
    Another worry parents have, which is totally understandable; is that their child could be a victim of homophobic attacks whether it be physical or emotional. My parents were very supportive, but that was their worry.
    Your parents probably looked at you when you were born and decided that you was going to have a long and happy, successful life. This doesn't constitute their idea of this, it seems. They obviously still love you, they are just from a world where this kind of thing couldn't happen to them. I don't think there's much of a solution here, just time. It is unfortunate, but maybe with the information you can download, recommended by Quantamreality. It may be a step in the right direction