Hooked Up With Straight Friend But Now Have Feelings and its KILLING me

Okay so I have been looking for some help for a while now and this is probably the place to gain insight. Here is my story...it might be long but its has been eating me ALIVE for the past two months man....

Help

So theres this kid that I have knows for about four years now and we have always been friendly. He's three years younger than me but we knew each other from high school football and all have similar connections. We have always been 'bros' and snapchat regular guy things and what not. I always have thought he was attractive but never in a million years would have expected to do anything at all.

So on St Patricks Day he invited me over to his house which was odd because our friendship really never got passed the gym and school. I didn't really think anything of it or get excited but then we eventually ended getting really intoxicated and hooked up. I, for one, think that I'm bi but I am more romantically attracted to guys than sexually but just for reference on me. It just kinda flowed into that. He said before we hooked up that 'if I needed a place to stay for the night I can stay there' which was interesting. We got into his bed and talked for a WHILE before we did anything. And we talked about deep stuff like we really got to know a lot about each other and that intimacy really got me close to him on top of his looks. I couldnt believe this was happening because I for one am not too experienced with guy like that and the fact that this dude I liked in general was hooking up with me was crazy. I had this fantasy of a 'bromance'. I am VERY discreet and not out really. He never did anything with a guy before so we both have that discreteness and connection with each other.

The next morning I woke up fine and pinched myself. I had to go home so I left in the AM and then when he woke up later he snap chatted me. He said, "Hey man I really look up to you as a friend and think you're the man but what happened last night...that sh*t can never happen again." At first I was like okay no big deal but then after a day or so it really sank in and I was hurt. I felt like this connection we had that night might have been something but he did not seem interested. I texted him a lot and just to clarify what he meant like that. He said "it didn't feel good at all and I didn't enjoy it". Fine-I understand that (still hurt tho). Still has feelings for him.

The good news about this is that he was very accepting of the fact that I enjoyed it (I didn't tell him that I LIKED him but I told him I appreciated the connection). I am lucky that this did not destroy our friendship and he is a really nice kid in general. A week passed and he finally hit me up and asked for a ride to work because his car was totaled. I sprang at the idea because the car conversations were great bonding and stuff. I guess I still have this hope inside me that thinks something might happen. We went back to his house one day and he sat me down conversations flowed and you could tell he was trying to be nice and beat around the bush but the message he was trying to convey was that "I like you as a FRIEND and don't think that will ever happen again." I wouldve appreciated it if he actually was straight up with me. On the outside I was so chill with it played it off like "of course bro" but inside I was shot in the heart man. He got his own car now but we started to lift weights together at the gym which has been a good time. Its like nothing ever happened and we are still intimate in the sense that we converse while we lift. Then yesterday after three weeks straight of us two alone, he decided to bring his "best friend" with him. I don't think he did it out of ill intent but it TOTALLY changes the dynamic if the situation. We don't have that intimacy anymore and he is now focused on him more but we all three lift together. It pissed me off I guess its a c*ckblock? I don't know how to tell him that I don't want the other kid there.

So heres where Im at right now: Past two months I have been low key obsessed and very hurt. I guess some sort of denial of what he told me about being straight. A couple things I had a question on....Whenever we are around each other or with his friend he always talks about girls...like too much. Maybe its just bro talk but I didn't remember that before we hooked up. He always talks about girls he wants to smash or the girl he had over last night. Inside, it really hurts me a lot. I feel like crying when he says that. Do you think he says that because he wants to indirectly reiterate to me that he is not interested in me? Or maybe because he wants to cover up the fact that he might be bi-curious? Or maybe its just bro talk?

Anyways sorry about the long post yall. Hope you can help me. I am lifting with him (and Im assuming his stupid friend) today. We do it three times a week. Anyways thanks guys!

 

This is so true but hard to accept. Very true...Thank you

 

Thanks for the advice I appreciate it