Am I Too Sensitive (Would it Ruin My Relationships?)

Recently, I had a breakdown. At least I think it was, I've never had breakdowns before but I just felt the adrenaline pumping and for the next two days, I was shaking bad, I was sending texts to friends for help and doing all this stuff that I regret and would've normally never done. The thing about it though, was a majority of my friends and family were irritated by my behavior and all I could think was that they didn't care, and that I had to go back to normal. I feel like I've gotten everything down under control, I'm still emotionally shook but I'm trying not to pester everyone about it.

It started about two weeks ago, I planned with a friend to sneak out to an lgbt youth group, mainly because I was curious and I received encouragement both by my counselor and friends to sneak out. Well, like the dumbass I was, I tried to get my mother to drive us and was planning on having her drop us off halfway there or something but I gave her the address and she looked it up. She just completely exploded.

Originally, I wasn't too scared because she was saying stuff like,"I don't care if you guys want to be a boy or girl." and "I'm going to become a Buddhist and leave Christianity behind." The moment she found it though, she automatically switched back to being Christian or something, and started screaming at me, calling me a faggot and abnormal. I was scared and didn't want all the blame to fall on me, so I said that the counselor said I should go. Now I lost my counselor because she texted my dad about how she recommended it to me and how I was a dyke. Afterwards, she started yelling at me about how I always get her into trouble with my dad by telling him stuff like this. I actually got her to quiet for a minute by responding,"I didn't fucking tell dad."

After her whole speech on why gays are bad and I should be ashamed of myself, we picked up my friend and she dropped me off at the center anyways. She spoke more shit to us on the way there, of course. Maybe she wanted me to cry in front of everyone, because the whole time I was there, I was unable to function. It was hard to breath, my muscles felt hot, my entire chest and stomach felt hot and my mind was blank, trying to focus on other stuff. My friend brought me out of the room twice to try and cheer me up, and the group leader also came over to check on me multiple times. Normally I've got an apathetic kind of face, but I guess I looked really shaken up.

On the way back she told me that I was in the wrong, I shouldn't have been curious about going to a place like that (btw, she called it a gay club at one point), but she would apologize about yelling at me. Sometimes I'm not sure if she does stuff like this on purpose or not, but she said my dad, who she had a vicious divorce with, would take me to church more and try to make me not gay. Personally, I feel like he's waiting until I'm eighteen so he can just say," I tried to stop them. I tried to change them but they refused."

I would've talked to my counselor about all of this instead, but the week that I really needed someone to talk to, my dad got rid of her because of the incident.

I tried talking to some of my friends about it, most didn't know what to say and the rest, it was awkward because I had never shown them a side of me like this. I tried talking to one of my friends about it, but they just told me that they had it just as bad and when I started spamming them because they were ignoring me, they blocked me. At this point, I was really upset and felt like nobody wanted to listen to me and all the friends I had were only friends with me for convenience. I was there only as a fun-time friend or somebody to come to when they were feeling down, but when I needed help, they wouldn't offer it. In fact, some of them have been acting awkwardly around me and some seem to be avoiding me. Should I have not asked them for emotional help? I didn't even tell them what happened, I was just saying I was feeling stressed and I needed something to talk about.


I've also been more violent and short-tempered lately. I've almost strucken my parents and my peers, and I have hit my siblings, my young cousins and my dogs before. My dog is a really small chihuahua, so when I get mad, I'm able to hold back a lot more. If she starts barking or tries biting something, I swat her on the butt and apprehend her in a low voice. One time, I really lost it and kicked her though. What made me feel worse about it though, was my dog came back and started sniffing at me instead of hiding when I usually do stuff like this. My cousin, one time hit me in the face with a spoon, threw it really hard and hit me in the eye before he turn tails and ran. I chased after him, and when I heard his mother scream not to tackle him, I managed not to shove him down and beat him but merely pick him up. When he kicked me in the face, I smacked him though, I got yelled at by our grandpa, but I still hit him. Me and my sister, we have little wrestling matches I guess? But I've had times where I punched her really hard in the stomach and she cried over it, which is hard, she's a tough girl.

I'm afraid of getting into a relationship or having/adopting kids because of this. I'm afraid that if they don't say anything, fight back or have somebody to stand up for them, that I'll keep on beating them. I don't want to do that, so I've been avoiding relationships but at the same time I feel trapped. There feels like there is no one to talk to about these feelings.

I feel bad over a majority of these though, but it's been getting harder and harder to keep these bouts of anger under control. My dad said it was because I was beaten as a child, but it was when the beatings stopped that I started becoming aggressive and my self-esteem dropped. I was thinking maybe it was because the physical abuse changed to mental.

I took a bunch of aspirin on the day I was having my break down, and it was the worst mistake I made. It got rid of all my body pains and all I had left was what I was mentally dealing with.

I was also thinking, maybe it has to do with the substance abuse I have been doing lately. Do short-term cigarettes or alcohol make people aggressive or pissy? I was hoping getting drunk would take my mind off of everything, but I can't stand the taste of alcohol, it tastes like carbonated piss. I have maybe had less than a cup altogether in the last three months. Cigarettes, on the other hand, I really liked but have a hard time coming across. It feels relaxing, and the smell is really nostalgic to me. I've had maybe four or five in the last year, but I'm still craving them.

But now I feel like maybe I'm too sensitive. Somebody makes a snobby comment, I'm pissed. Somebody says I'm weird, I'm pissed. My dog won't stop barking, I'm pissed. Even when my dad tells me that I need to work on my homework, I get mad and just think to myself that even if I got straight A's in all my class, he still wouldn't be happy. He's never once told me that he was proud of how hard I work in my schoolswork, because he think I never do, that the dumbass me is capable of getting full marks, that I'm just lazy. I get apprehensive whenever he brings up my school, because I automatically assume it's criticism and it usually is.

I feel awful, and the feeling of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up back in middle school has come back. I feel like everybody would be better off if I wasn't here. Whenever I think about all these things that irritate me, I think to myself that I'm being selfish and that I should think more about other people. I'm not usually open with my problems, and people get upset with me because of that but whenever I try opening up, it seems like they get angry over that too.

So, am I too sensitive? How do I keep my anger under control? I don't want to hurt anything anymore, but it all just happens and I end up feeling guiltier because of it.

 

Well, I'm not the one who has been choosing the counselor it's my dad, and I don't want to redo the whole process of getting use to them. It's possible, after this, I might not get another counselor, it's what my mom's been trying to do because my dad used a counselor against her during the divorce.

I'll try your writing idea, I guess. I've got a computer document I can type it out in.

Thank you for all your help, I know we haven't talked or much or know each other, but it means a lot.