So, let me start by saying that I'm very overweight. Yes my avatar is me, but I've packed on much more weight, since that pic, about 2 months ago. Why start with that statement, because all my life I've been a big girl, I was ALWAYS rejected. My self esteem is horrible. Two years ago I was very shocked when, for the first time in all my 32 years of life, someone had a crush on me. To make matters worse she was a beautiful thick girl that I was just shocked she liked me. To be honest my first reaction was to laugh and say, Okay guys you can come out know with the camera's I know I'm being punked. But I couldn't believe it. Later that night she said she couldn't leave until she did something she's been wanting to do for about 2 years. She grabbed my face tenderly and kissed me. By the way... it was my first kiss. She was my first everything. My first girl, first kiss, first every single thing and I was 32 years old. Sadly I was the problem in the relationship. I grew up in a Christian home and all my friends and close family are Christian. No not all Christians are evil and bad, so I know that there are mixed feelings with the Christian faith or radicals, but sometimes they struggle with it too believe it or not, but besides that, It was twice as hard because she was also in church. yup... two church girls totally breaking all the rules and yet sitting next to each other hearing sermons about God's love, yet feeling horrible. Yup this was the story of my life. I lived with guilt and so much pain, because for the first time in my life I was so happy. I was over the moon and I never felt loved before. I was loosing weight and I was looking good I'd have to say, but I became horribly depressed and distant with my family as they knew the girl, but I didn't want any repercussions or problems. On top of everything we were hiding from everyone, even her family. I couldn't handle the guilt and I felt condemned all the time. I ended the relationship trying to get back to church and look for God and just... try and be at peace, but it was horrible. I broke up with her, but I didn't want to. I love her... I still do. I feel horrible for what I did to her and her kids where very attached to me. We were going out for 6 months. I'm sure we would of made it longer if I didn't break up with her. I felt she was in love with me and all I can say is that I love her with everything I have, but I felt horrible in every way. I felt like I couldn't be happy with her because we were hiding then I couldn't share the love I felt with her. I wanted to scream it to the world and say she's the love of my life, but we were in hiding and sneaking around and kissing behind closed doors and hiding from her kids and at times we even tried to hook each other up with guys to have us move on, but It was horrible. We tried to be friends, but she would tease me and that would just lead to another situation. Anyway... I feel horrible because of the way it all ended. I tried to make amends, but she doesn't want to talk to me and she just said, she was blinded by evil and she wants to be happy, so that was the last thing she said and she's never spoken to me again, but sadly I've never gotten over her and I've never stopped loving her. I want to let her go. I want to stop loving her, but I can't. She's the only woman or person to ever pursue me. I feel like I"ll never be able to move on. It's been two years since this happened. Yes I know... it's crazy, but I'm so in love with her. It's driving me mad. I don't want to love her anymore and I just want to move on, but I haven't been able to. I even tried to reach out to but nothing, so I'm trying to move on. Been horrible though. Just need to vent it out and just get any advise.
Hey I'm sorry for your situation, I can understand why you have found it difficult to move on. Have you tried having some therapy to try and deal with the issues regarding your sexuality and your religion? I know in a lot of places there are LGBT friendly churches would you consider going to one of these? Do you still see the girl?
Hi, I am sorry you are going through this. Usually time away from the person is the healer. I can only assume, with your low self-esteem and weight gain, it is probably preventing you from moving on. My suggestion is to try and see if you can get that determination back, if you wish to lose the weight again and you might find your confidence return slowly. This might give you the will to go out and do some things you don't usually do and meet new people. Your old love may go from a painful memory to a distant memory. If you are feeling this low, what have you got to lose? You only stand do improve your happiness.
Silverhalo, She lives 7 blocks away from me, so I'm often fearful to bump into her, but... I try my best to stay away from her area and I don't want to see her either. Therapy, $... life... living in nyc not easy. Everything is money... so It's been hard, but I'm trying. duff0286, after this I have major depression which make sit hard at times to motivate myself, but I do want to lose weight again.
Yes money is a tough one. Have you considered looking if their is a local LGBT group, they often aren't expensive and might help you? Depression is such a tough one, try and think in tiny baby steps just to get yourself moving again.
I recommend doing something you really enjoy, or think you really might enjoy - something that is really you, not anyone else - something that lifts your mood a little bit when you do it. I have just joined an LGBT choir. I am only out to a few and still struggling with self-acceptance, so this is a big step for me. I have been trying to move beyond unrequited, unexpressed feelings for a woman - I wanted her so, so much, at a deep level and in a different world would've declared my love and done anything short of hurting others to give her pleasure. So I am struggling with this, my sexual orientation and my marital separation right now. A couple of days ago I really came close to doing something silly. But singing in the choir last night and being with other LGBT people raised me up, even if only for a while and it gave me strength. Exercising on my bike also helps me carry on. And for what it's worth - is that is you on your profile picture? - you are an attractive woman. When you are able to smile once again I'm sure you will radiate your own true beauty in spades! Peace and strength to you. X
Hi, thank you for the compliment on my pic. Yes that's me in my profile picture, but sadly I've gained much more weight so... I feel I've changed since. Also many people say I'm very photogenic and I look different in my pics. My depression really did a number on me. I live in a world where I just can't seem to accept where I am. I feel guilty and very conflicted between what I feel, my beliefs and my family acceptance of the situation. Besides the fact that my ex may have never loved me the same way I loved her, my self esteem is... not good at all, but today I just went on a temper tantrum, but on myself. I'm trying hard to fight myself and my insecurities, because I know I'm beautiful, but my own standards sell me short. I don't want to be that person. I want to be happy, and enjoy life. I don't want to be a sad poop all the time. I want to be happy. So today I just totally kicked myself and said, "C'mon girl! you got this!" I need to look beyond this and I know how things can overcome us and just really hurt, but I really want to be happy. For now, all I can do is try my best to understand that I'm beautiful no matter what. In terms of acceptance, I feel like that is something that won't ever happen My parents are pastors, my brother (Who I'm very close to) is not supportive. He says he'll love me no matter what, but then he keeps saying that my relationship was fake and that it wasn't real. He also says that other people bury it and they move on. I don't know if there is a secret he isn't telling me, but it's not fair, if that is the case, because no one should go through it alone. I only have about 1 friend who isn't church oriented and she's my best friend. She supports me, it seems like that should be all I need, but It's not. I wish my parents and my brothers could just go about it differently. I know they can't accept it. I know what I was raised to believe, but it hurts profoundly. I know all my family friends are not supportive of this and sadly... no one else knows and it's killing me to live in secret. I just want to just live... but even I hold myself back because when I want to, Guilt just comes over me and I feel... ashamed... and I just feel like I won't be happy either way. ---------- Post added 24th May 2017 at 01:27 PM ---------- Thank you. Yes... All is take it one day at a time. Maybe if I'm lucky maybe someone will just come help me through, but things in my life have never really turned out that way. It took me 32 years to finally get someone to actually say they had a crush on me. All my life I've chased others and no one ever chased me, but she was the first, which makes it very difficult. Even more so that she was very beautiful. I didn't even believe her at first, but that is something else I have to learn to deal with. Self esteem must be changed and I will. I have to. I know I'm better then this.
You can do it. You are a beautiful person inside and out. Depression and insecurities hold us back from living the live we deserve. If there's anyway I can help post on my wall.
Hi Nerdbynature. I can't respond to your pm because I'm new... so I have to wait some time? it's weird here at times. It said something about needing 10 posts, but I think I did and it's still not letting me.
