Hi there, I guess the reason that I keep updating my relationship is partly to get feedback on how to continue going on this journey but also to celebrate what I have done and what I can do to continue to improve. Short background Born with moderate cerebral palsy Known I was gay since middle school Grew up in Catholic household Had "girlfriend" junior year of high school- knew I was faking it Came out to self at age 19 Had first anxiety attack shortly afterwards Heading into junior year of college Started dating current boyfriend one year ago as of last Friday When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was very skeptical of the reasons why I was dating him because he also has a physical disability. We knew each other three years before but we had no idea that we were both gay. I was concerned at first because I was worried that I was dating him simply because he had a disability and I felt bad for him. However, over time I have become to realize that his disability is part of what makes him special to me because he can relate on a level that I don't think any other guy could I also notice that I feel this deep connection to him that I have never felt with another person. When I look at other guys, I can still feel attraction but it's not the same. I am being cautious because I'm only 21 and I may not be mature enough to be able to make the most accurate judgements but at the same time, I cannot imagine myself with another guy. In terms of internally, I still am dealing with some internalized homophobia. I am just starting to listen to "heteronormative" songs and envisioning myself with another guy. I still have some work to do before I get to the point to where I can call my boyfriend "babe" without feeling shame for lack of better word. If anyone has any comments or ideas on how I can be more comfortable in myself, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!
As someone who also struggled with internalized homophobia for years before coming out, I found a few things that help me. -Mine stemmed from religious upbringing, so I found some religious people who accepted me which helped assuage the upbringing crap. -I watch movies and read books that feature LGBT characters living normally alongside other people, facing struggles, and getting through them, because it helps me to see it as normal more instead of only reading heteronormative material. -When I listen to music, I often listen to male singers because they sing about the girl that they are in love with. Maybe try listening to female singers, because they're likely to sing about being in love with a guy. Or better yet, there are a lot of songs that just sing about "you" and that "you" could be either gender! -Think about how you feel when you're with him. Think about what it is he makes you want to do and be and become. Pay attention to how happy and fulfilled it makes you. Then ask yourself how that could be wrong. Do it as much as you need to, but keep showing yourself how much better he makes you and tell the truth to yourself about how much he's improved your life. Hope that helps...
