Dear All, i'm new to this forum and hope that there are no similar threads, anyway i didn't find any. Also, english is not my first language, so please bare with me. I know that none of you can make a decision for me or tell me what happened and if my concerns are reasonable, but maybe i could get some opinions and experience or knowledge. And vent a bit. So i've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, we've decided to move in together and started to look for apartments. We are in an open relationship but have the agreement to tell each other everything we do or might want to do with other women. About a week ago she went on a trip with work in a bigger group, came back and told me about a girl she met quite excitedly. She was somewhat distant, but maybe i am just reading this and it wasn't connected to this girl.. Anyways, she met up with her once for coffee and told a mutual friend who later told me but didn't tell me directly until i asked her. Note: Usually she tells me who she meets, we're open about that. So, i felt weird about this girl and the meet up, asked her, she said she was not romantically/sexually interested. And it felt okay for me at that point. So today we have this appointment with a landlord and need to check the address and in order to do so, open her e-mail account together. As we sit there i happen to notice a mail from said girl titled 'What it was...'. Now i am confused, concerned and not sure if i am making this up (had a past relationship where i was badly lied to, right before the current one)... i was so puzzled that i didn't ask her directly and hey, she already told me there's nothing going on with this girl. But then: Why give an e-mail a title like that then?! What do you think? Did any of you find themselves in a similar situation of a potentially broken agreement and how did you handle it? I feel trust issues are getting all over me again and i'm being lied to -- it's especially shitty now that we're planning on moving in together. Thanks, Marna
Hi there. I haven't been in the same situation however I would strongly suggest you get to the bottom of what's going on before signing a tenancy agreement and moving in together. Can I ask (Just curious)how you can have an open relationship if you have trust issues?
Of course you can! Maybe it was the realization that monogamy didn't work out and people tend to do what they want anyways? Kind of a negative conclusion about relationships i came to. And with my current girlfriend (who came to the same conclusion on her own) we thought of trying a different approach. It has worked so far and even made me feel more settled and relaxed and at home in the relationship. Up to this point it seemed more open and tolerant of all our wishes and needs this way. An open model for us came with more communication and space to negotiate, seemed truer because it allowes to develop things more freely and away from traditional models that can be limiting. So, i hoped we would be able to be ourselves more i guess. And yeah, i would and should not sign anything without sorting the situation first, you're absolutely right.
It's possible some of your fears come from the past, and some come from the current "evidence". You can't really separate why you are feeling this way. What you can do is ask your girlfriend what the email meant, so you let her explain what is happening. Hopefully you are able to read her and see if she's hiding something, and if you feel unsure, just say so. As the other poster said, you should wait before moving in together, and be honest with her why you are waiting. Even just six months may be enough for you to decide your concerns were real or not.
