I'm so upset that I'm nauseous. So, I've been going through school that is super demanding with long nights studying and a lot of stress. My girlfriend has been working a lot. Toward the end of the semester we had a talk about managing our time better so that we could have more time together. So I worked on not studying as much on the days she's off work and it was working out. Now that I'm done with school for the summer, it's been rough. I'm feeling like I'm in a one-sided relationship. I love this woman with all my heart but I feel like I give and give and get very little in return. Example 1: we have been trying to figure out a beach vacation for the 2 of us that we can afford and both of us can get off of work and such. Well it's been tough to figure that out. So some of her employees wanted a weekend off to go to the beach that she had apparently somewhat planned for us to go to the lake. Well, our lake plans fell through (at least that's what she told me) and they invited her to go to the beach with them. Instead of talking to me about it she agreed to go and later said to me "would you be mad if I went to the beach next weekend" knowing that she already made plans and if I said I was mad that would be me guilting her.... (she was mad when these employees originally wanted the weekend off because she "needed" them at work that weekend). There was never any mention of me being invited or anything, just basically "I'm doing this" kind of attitude. Is it wrong for me to be at least a little upset about this? Example 2: She's very much a night person and I'm just a go with the flow kinda person but if I'm not doing something interactive, I tend to fall asleep. I'm not much of a TV watcher because I just fall asleep if I sit down and am doing nothing. So I'm always the one to stay at her house for the most part. Well midnight rolls around and I'll get off the couch and go get in bed. (We've argued about this several times, the latest argument being this past weekend.) I'll tell her good night and ask if she's coming to bed at some point tonight... this is the one thing that really means a lot to me, to sleep next to the person I love. Well, she will fall asleep in her chair watching TV and not come to bed till 5 or 6 in the morning. By then, I'm basically awake and the sun is coming up. If I have nothing to do, I'll stay in bed and fall back asleep when she gets in bed just so I can wake up again next to her. We had an argument about this like 3 days ago, the next time I stayed at her house (2 nights ago) she did come to bed soon after I went to bed. I was thinking ok this is good! Well, last night I dozed off on the couch and got up around 12:30 to get in bed. I walked over to give her a kiss cuz she was watching TV and she was all pissy like "go to bed, I'm not coming to bed right now..." so of course I'm irritated cuz all I wanted to do was tell her good night and give her a kiss. I went to bed for a few hours and woke up and she's sleeping in her chair... like why can't you come to bed. Well 6am rolls around and I get up again to pee and get some water and now she's awake watching tv and playing on her phone. I go back to bed super irritated and can't go back to sleep. So I get up and come sit on the couch and watch TV and she's like what are you doing? I'm like well I'm awake so I'm coming in the living room. Then she gets up to go to bed. I ask her if she wants me to come to bed w/ her and I just get attitude. So I just decided to come home and try to relax as I have a few doctors appointments today and things that I can do once 8 am rolls around. Usually I could go back to sleep, but I'm too mad right now. I asked if we can talk about it later today and she just kinda said mmhmm as she rolled over in bed... I don't even know how to address this any more... I feel like I just exist in her bubble...
Hey I think you have every right to be upset. I think that it is good that you came home to sort yourself and do your jobs. I think you should use today to calm down and get yourself in a place where you can have a calm talk with her. I think I would be inclined to sit her down and ask her how she feels about the relationship, give her a chance to voice whether or not she is happy with it and any concerns she has and then explain the points you are unhappy with. I assume it is fair to say that if the relationship was going to continue like this with no sign of change then it is not something you would be interested in continuing with?
I don't want to continue to feel like this, but I love her so much! I just want to talk to her about everything, I just tend to get upset and don't feel like we have effective communication once she gets mad and upset. She tends to shut down. I know that we need to work on communication, I just don't know how to get her to work on it. ---------- Post added 23rd May 2017 at 04:27 AM ---------- To add to it... last night I had promised her a back rub b/c she said it was sore. While she was watching TV, I offered to rub her feet because I know she's been working long hours the past few days and her feet bother her. She said either her feet or back, so I said I'd rub her feet now and I'd rub her back in bed because it's easier if she's laying down... well it's kinda hard to keep that promise when she never came to bed. Also, it's been a while since we were actually intimate as well. Several days ago we had what we call "morning fun" which is basically all hands sort of thing. Several weeks ago, we may have been intimate once... other than that it has been a while, partly because she never comes to bed and partly because I have to work so hard to get her "in the mood" constantly... Is it bad to feel like I need some sort of affection. It doesn't even have to be sex, I just need some physical contact.
I dont think it is bad, you just want to feel the connection and that the relationship is two way. Perhaps writing down your thoughts and giving her a letter would be helpful, you can give her time to read it and think it over before trying to discuss it. The problem is you cant make her do anything, she has to want to work on the communication and the relationship for it to work. Has the physical contact and intimicy changed? Did it used to be much more frequent? How long have you been going out?
We've been together for almost 3 years. Of course in the beginning the intimacy was much more frequent and it has died down. Last night we got into another argument... All I want is for her to be a little more affectionate... not even in public but at home just sit on the couch next to me instead of in her chair across the room occasionally... to come to bed before I wake up at 6am... She's not an affectionate person and I've really toned down how much affection I've required, but I'm not getting any effort of increased infection on her part. She's so set in her ways of "this is me and this is how I am" and told me to take it or leave her last night. I don't really think she wants me to leave her but I don't understand why we cant compromise on this. Also in the argument last night, she brought up that she's not affectionate because she's been sexually abused in the past (she's only mentioned this like once before in passing but never opened up about it) and that there's all this stuff that I don't know about her... but I can't get her to open up to me about things so that I can know these things and support her through everything. I don't know if writing everything in a letter would help or hurt things at this point. I apparently need constant validation (which isn't wrong, I live with constant anxiety and fear of everyone leaving me). But I don't know how to get her to understand my feelings and if I could just get a little bit of affection, I wouldn't be so bad. I'm at a loss, I don't want to leave her. I love her and love everything about her and about us... I just don't know how to get past this one issue we are having. This is probably our biggest problem that we've had in 3 years.
If you think back to earlier in your relationship, was she similar or do you think things have changed over time? Can you pinpoint when it changed and maybe what was happening at the time? Do you get any clues from that? If you stopped worrying about validation for a bit, would you notice any change in her? Sorry, I don't have any specific advice.
She's always had her walls up and she's very hard to get those walls down. I feel like when we have more time for each other on a consistent basis we are better. But when we are both super busy with school and work, it takes a toll on us. I've tried to convince her to work toward moving in together so that we would have more time each day, even if it is just morning and night to see each other and there wouldn't be as much pressure on us like when we only see each other once a week. She was very set on not moving in toegher in the beginning, a few months ago she seemed more receptive, but I haven't addressed it recently because of the disagreements that we have been having. I don't know if I should bring it up again or not...
I've been sexually abused and depressed(for other reasons), and I always think, relationship wise, would it be nice if people didn't just function in relationships, because of the intimacy they know they're going to get. Don't get me wrong. It's important, but maybe with what she's been through, she needs to be the one in control? Moving in together might work, too. I know, I thought that might work for me, but I've yet to try it, so I don't know. It shows you're not going anywhere in a way, which is important for someone who's been through sexual abuse, because they certainly don't want to be used and abused again. But the way some people go through relationships nowadays(not saying you're like that), that's not a guarantee either.
I try not to push intimacy with her b/c I've been in relationships in the past where it was expected of me and when I didn't have sex I felt guilty for saying no and it was just a spiral from there. So I try to respect her if she says no b/c I don't want her to feel like she needs to do it just to please me. I am ready to try moving in together, but I don't know if she is or not... I don't know if I should try to approach it tonight when she gets off work or not... I don't want it to turn into another disagreement, but I also want her to think about it... We both have our own places and we wouldn't have to get rid of one or anything so there's always the security of having somewhere to go if things didn't work out... but I think I need something to feel like our relationship is moving forward. I feel like we've been kind of at a stand still for a little while now and we need to take the next stem forward. When we don't see each other, i feel like we both tend to put our attention into our friends and find that companionship with them b/c we see them more (at work or school) than we actually see each other. Also, next summer I will be working in another state and we won't be able to see each other every weekend either. So I want to work this out and be strong when that rolls around.
Hi Taken, It's no wonder you are feeling upset and nauseous! I certainly can identify and understand. It seems that you are giving a lot in this relationship, giving her a lot of leeway and not really getting much in return. And there is a theme that often not even your feelings are being respected. I've been in relationships with this dynamic before ...where I put up with a lot, didn't get my needs met etc. etc. but STILL I stayed. All the while my self-esteem was taking a huge hit as I tried, basically alone to try to 'fix' things. The further away I felt my partner was pulling, the tighter I tried to cling. I'm not saying this is exactly what is going on in your situation of course, but from what you have shared it seems it could be. One simple thing that I learned to do, that truly helped me is this. When something seems 'off' to me in a relationship I figuratively take myself out of the situation. And look at is as if I am an outsider (really hard to do!) And think what advice I would give a friend I really cared about if this was their relationship. I am wondering if you can do this? Pretend you are just a bystander to the relationship, look at example 1, example 2, and some of the others you have shared. What advice would you give your to your 'friend' in this relationship? What is your takeaway from what your 'friend' is sharing. What is this telling you, the outsider, about her relationship, and each of the players in the relationship? Do you see patterns emerge through your 'friends' story? That said, I understand your feeling of needing to move forward with this relationship and move in together. But moving in together will not help the relationship move forward. For a relationship to move forward it has to be, well.... moving forward. Mutually. I do think though that sometimes the thought of moving in together can somehow give us the illusion that we will have more control, that it will be a cure to set all that is wrong right. But a change of address to not solve any of the issues already present in the relationship. I am sure there are times that things are good with your girlfriend. No doubt. However, has she ever told you she wants to work on your relationship? And backed that up with actions that show she is making an effort to do just that? At this point she has basically said, 'you can take me as I am or leave me.' Which translates to: 'I am not going to be making any changes to how this relationship is going, you will continue to get a whole lot more of the same....' That said, of course it's true that childhood sexual abuse can affect people well into adulthood. I am wondering if your girlfriend is in therapy or is getting any professional assistance in dealing with this? It's obvious you care about your girlfriend a lot. And would love to make this work--you have been together for a long time. As others have said, I would have a long talk with her, without editing any of your feelings. Don't try to justify or minimize any of your feelings. Your feelings are valid just by virtue of them being your feelings. (And believe me it took me a while to understand this for myself--like 45 years!!) Tell her what you want and need in a relationship. Ask her the same. This should help to give you some clarity. All the best to you Taken .
