Idk if you do trigger warnings here, but this would be a time when you should quit reading if certain sad things cause you grief. I just found out recently that my ex committed suicide. This woman is the last relationship I was in, because I completely lost faith in love after we split up. It was a terrible story. She used me for money for a year, and left me on Christman Eve, which was also three days after our one year anniversary. So I have been single since December 24, 2013. I haven't wanted to be in a relationship, but oddly enough, I am thinking I need to start thinking about it again. I didn't realize how badly she had messed me up until I found out she was gone. Then I started to remember the good parts of a relationship and not just the horrors she put me through. Going without a human touch for extended periods of time is not good for human beings. But even if I could find someome, I am too untrusting to even try. So, I feel like I am in some kind of weird limbo. I am also grieving her loss, obviously, despite the fact that I never wanted to see her again. I just really don't know what to think or how to feel right now. But I do know I am lonely. And I'm sad. And that's a bad combination. Anyway, I'm sorry for the rant-like style of this. I am still very scattered and unsure at the moment. Also, I am sorry if I sound selfish and cold about the whole thing. It's a coping mechanism that I tend to default to.
You don't sound selfish or cold. It's natural not to want to see someone again if they have treated you badly. However it's also natural to grieve for someone you once loved. I've been single for over a decade and I am also wary of meeting someone based on how I've been treated in the past. You need to accept that you could get hurt again but you need to allow yourself to be open to meeting someone and finding love again. Just make sure you approach your next relationship with your eyes open.
I'm sorry your ex died in such circumstances, and it's better to release your grief than bottling it up. You may want to talk to a mental health counselor not just about grief but also getting more open to relationships again. Try not to prejudge what your future is. Just because you spent previous years single doesn't mean you'll never find someone else.
