I need an outlet. I have never been in an official relationship. I came out of the closet just under two years ago and before then I dated guys. Since coming out I have dated a number of women but never found one that fit what I was looking for. I have limited down what I am looking for; adventurous, Christian, traveling or active type, and long term seeking. Sounds easy enough right? Nope. As a 23 year old, it turns out that is hard to come by. I'm considerably conservative and old-fashioned, that seems to be rare in the lesbian community. AND THEN I FOUND IT, COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE, on a dating site.... I found the girl of my dreams and BOOM she was everything I ever dreamed of, only better. Instant connection, instant chemistry. I walked away from our first date and said, "I am going to marry her someday." It was like God had put her in my life (and I still believe that). Our personalities seemed to click for the most part and we had every hobby/interest in common while still being two different people. I knew she was looking for long term and probably had marriage on her brain, just as I did. We dated for three months. She had just gotten out of a serious relationship two months or so before we started talking. In that relationship she was going to propose to the ex before they split. When I was dating this girl (let's call her Kate), things were going great according to my standards - and I thought hers as well. We took our time, I did not bring a U-Haul truck (at her request), we were affectionate physically but still had boundaries until we were both ready. I did not push her, pressure her in any way but things had gotten to the point where they would advance soon, and this was nudged by her. It ended. I don't know why. It just suddenly ended. Things faded via text message the last two weeks we were talking. After our last date I asked her to tell me what she wanted. A month and a half in she ended things also, but we were able to resolve that (she was going through some mental health issues, maybe even some irrational doubts). I knew she was on the rebound after the breakup with her ex and I was her rebound. I am having a hard time processing this and I keep replaying in my mind "Why did she end things?", and "What went wrong?". I know that it wasn't my fault but I keep kicking myself. My dream girl slipped away and I don't think I will ever be able to find someone who compares. She was almost perfect in my mind. It has been a month and a half after she ended things and I am still devastated, still confused. I know that she is out on the dating scene again; she got right back into online dating within a week of ending things - which hurt. I suspect that she is rebounding again. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to find someone who even compares. I am worried that it is going to take me a long time to find someone else. I'm tired of being single and dating, I just want a girlfriend already. The pond is small and I am looking for a specific species of fish. Suggestions?
