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distance between me and my family

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lurvcurvs, Dec 3, 2009.

  1. lurvcurvs

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    So, this isn't a complete story of everything going in my life, but its still long, so you get 10 points if you read it all.

    i'm 21 and my brother is 24, we've been roommates for about a year and a half. he's been one of my closest friends for about 2 years. he's helped me through a lot, and i've been there for him too. since we are roommates we go grocery shopping together, watch tv together, do laundry together, hang out with the same friends together.

    but...

    i'm moving out in january and getting my own place closer to los angeles (we live in the suburbs) and he is freaking out about why i want to move. all my friends where i currently live are conservative christians who think that i'm a conservative christian. i don't really consider myself a conservative christian and i hate living the lie week in and week out cause i'm heavily involved at church. when i move i'm also moving away from the church because i cant connect with it. i'm also moving so i can get some new friends that i can come out to who wont judge me for it. right now, all my friends are anti-gay and homophobic. if i came out to them, they would ostracize me so i'm just moving away so there is less drama. and by moving i'll be closer to my bf :slight_smile:

    the problem is that my family is very close. my brother is objecting to me moving, and he is putting distance between us, then he's going to tell my parents and they will distance themselves too. i plan on coming out either the end of december or beginning of january which they will then just not talk to me. but my problem is these weeks leading up to that point.

    i guess what i'm asking is, how do you intentionally live a lie for so long? going to church every sunday, pretending like you are a good christian, pretending to your christian parents and brother that you are a good christian, telling your family that everything is fine and that i'm still their good christian son, when in the inside everything inside of me wants to just say "mom, dad, brother, i'm gay and i'm happier now than i have been my entire life" should i wait? or just call them up tomorrow and not get invited home for christmas?
     
  2. Astaroth

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    The bad news is that you're going to have to come out twice to them. You're going to end up telling them about your sexual orientation, and then if you're as lucky as I was, they're going to bring the Bible into it and ask you if you're in some sort of conflict with your religion about it, to which you'll then get to choose whether to also tell them about your falling out with religion or not. The decision of whether or not to tell them right away is tricky though. If you do, then they have two targets to attack. If you don't, it gets increasingly more difficult to bring up if you actually feel they should know.

    The good news is that plenty of people have been in this boat, and it's doable. The big difficulty will be whether to come out fully or partially. Neither is going to be easy, per se, but if you stand your ground and prove to them over time that you are still the same person they have always known to most extents, some sort of balance will eventually be reached. They may not be celebratory over either news, but the chances are high that once the initial fire of emotions burns out they'll either have to just accept it as it is and realize that you're fully capable of making this choice for yourself, or they'll form some sort of barrier or separation while they try to take it all in.
     
  3. xequar

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    I find it quite interesting, actually, that some of the Atheism movements have adopted the "coming out" process to coming out as an Atheist because the parallels are stunning.

    Like Astaroth says, you've got a bit of a double-whammy there, but it's very doable. I would recommend doing it all in one shot, as opposed to doing one followed by the other. Specifically, I would recommend coming out as Atheist, then coming out as gay as part of that.

    Here's what you do. If it's a conservative and Christian enough family, there will invariably be some mention of church or going to church or something. There's your opening to say, "You know, I have to be honest, I've been having a few misgivings about church lately, and I'm finding myself really doubting whether I believe any of it anymore." Invariably, you'll be asked why that is, to which you reply with what you've just told us. "Well, I'm really having trouble connecting with the church because I'm gay."

    What coming out in this manner will do is get it all out of the way and done for you. Instead of pulling the band-aid slowly and having it hurt a ton as it pulls each little hair, you'll be ripping it off, which will hurt a bit for a moment, but then it's done with. It admittedly will be a bigger initial impact for both of you. Here's the thing, though. If you come out as (Atheist/Gay) only, then you come out as the other thing later, it's a double-whammy for both you and your parents. They'll still be struggling with the first thing when you hit them with the second.

    Admittedly, when I came out, I came out as gay first, then a few months later I told my mom that I was "doubting". On Christmas Day last year, she asked me point-blank if I was still a Christian, to which I replied that I no longer believed in god, period. It's like I said before. She was still wrapping her head around not having grandchildren (I'm an only child), and then I hit her with the Atheism thing on the most Christian day of the year (she asked, so it's partly her fault for that). My mom isn't very conservative, but it still took her a bit to come to grips with it all.

    Do it once, get it done before Christmas, and deal with whatever blowback comes of it. If your parents are any kind of parents at all, they'll fake it enough to get through the holiday, and hopefully the holiday season will be enough to get them to realize how lucky they are to have the family they have. If they can't, then frankly, they're not worth your energy or time.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    I have news for you...

    You ARE a good christian! Being gay doesn't change that. The people that won't accept you are the ones who are being less than Christ-like.

    Don't assume that you're going to be disowned by your family. You might be very surprised by their reaction and the change in their tone when they learn that you are not straight. But at the same time, you need to feel good about yourself that their reaction won't determine whether or not you can feel good about yourself.

    I'd be tempted to be honest with your brother and let him know why you're moving.
     
  5. HackmanWIU

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    I wouldn't do it at Christmas, that is just me. The more time they have to adjust, the better; not to mention the strain being lifted off your shoulders.
     
  6. kramer362

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    If you wait until after Christmas to come out to your family, just make it clear to your brother up to that point that it has nothing to do with getting away from him, that you love him and moving out has nothing to do with disliking your living arrangement. You can either be vague or lie about your reasons for moving until you actually come out, but after you come out you can make it clear your reasons for wanting to move; that it would prevent an unpleasant situation should he react as bad as you expect.

    And then if you need to, be prepared to fight a possible onslaught of religious condemnation, you can be prepared with an arsenal of PFLAG pamphlets, books, dvds ('For the Bible Tells Me So'). There's tons of resources out there, and even if you are atheist, you can make it clear to your family that being gay and christian don't have to be mutually exclusive; there are plenty of gay christians.

    Be prepared to possibly have to be the more mature one, and I wish you luck! :kiss:
     
  7. olides84

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    So I'm just going to focus on your 'good Christian' part, which is strange because I am not Christian or religious at all and sometimes denounce it.

    Do you still believe in God and Jesus and all that, but what you've rejected is the fundamentalism and homophobic attitudes from your church and friends and family? Well, there are definitely alternatives to that - and I'm sure closer to LA there's a lot more opportunities to find accepting churches. So it's not that you have to explain how you are not a 'good Christian'. Instead, you can explain how you are happier than you have ever been because you have rejected the homophobic, judgmental and downright cruel teachings of your church.
     
  8. lurvcurvs

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    thank you all so much for the advice, its good to have support like this on here because i dont have it anywhere else.

    oldies84 - i still believe that god exists and all that. but i just can't connect with it like my family does. they live and breathe all of that, i dont, i can't and i dont think i really want to. my conditioning growing up is that being gay is a sin, sinners go to hell. so based on that conditioning, i'm going to hell. ive gone to a gay church before, but i felt weird about it based on my conditioning. i just dont know if i could go to a church that supports gays and still feel like i'm being a christian. its much easier not trying to hold onto that.