I debated posting this, but I might as well. I struggled with being gay for many years, denied it and fought it. It was unnatural I was told, something people with their head screwed on right never did. Only recently have I decided to stop fighting it and just be happy. But I still feel like I am struggling once again, because I feel the need to hide it. I'm trying to tell myself why would it matter? In the short couple of years since I moved out I've managed to buy my own place and keep a really good job. I've never had a late bill and I've always made time for friends and family, even allowing them to stay with me during difficult times. Even when my Grandmother had her car break down, I took her to work and picked her up for a couple weeks just because that's what family is supposed to do. If I can do all these things, be independent of my parents and help others while maintaining such a good job, how would being gay change any of that? It shouldn't, but I know my family will have it overshadow everything. My Brother has gone through a great deal, drugs and dealings with the law. I saw as this just broke my parents hearts and they were just clueless as how to handle it. My Father once told me he was happy I wasn't doing these things, and how proud of me he was. But he said, if I was gay it would be the straw that broke his back. This more then anything is what bothers me, my Brother put such a strain on my parents marriage I'd hate to be what breaks them up. Or worse, lose their respect. I am unsure of how to proceed. I don't want to be silent, yet I feel the need to do what I can to maintain peace in my already troubled family. I'm worried I might be distanced from my wonderful cousins and nieces whom I all love so much, just because my family thinks I'm some kind of sexual fiend/deviant. What can I do? What can I say? I just feel like I reached an important point in my life only to hit another roadblock.
I think it sounds like you are doing way too well for someone to judge you over something you can't control. I don't know your father, but saying "if you where gay you'd be the straw that broke the camel's back" is kinda fucked up. Hopefully he was just stressed and was saying something like that out of stress.If you feel loved by your parents, like, if you feel that they really do love and care about you, they probably won't take it as bad as you think. I suggest that when/if you feel comfortable, just tell your Mom first, and ask her what you should do about telling your Dad.
Hi there! First off, congratulations on having accepted yourself and having overcome your struggles. If you feel that it would be best to begin letting your family know and be able to overcome the roadblock, maybe try coming out to your mum or a cousin first, and ask your mum or cousin not to mention anything just yet. Is there anyone in your family that you feel would be accepting?
Hello. I just wanted to say that I'm in a very similar situation to yours. One of the reasons that keep me in the closet is to avoid giving my parents more trouble, they already had a troubled divorced and economic struggle (i'm not sure if trouble is the right word). I'm also afraid that coming out will destroy the wonderful relationship i have with my parents, siblings, cousins and aunts. I love them and lying to them, pretending to be straight, hurts me. I am getting tired of hiding this part of myself, but i cant come out yet because, Unlike you, i depend economically from my parents and will have to wait a year until i finish college to find a job. From what you have written, i think you have shown your family that you're a good person, responsible and mature. So, i think that if you come out to someone in your family, that person will be understanding. Especially if you explain that person that being gay doesnt change who you are and what you have achieved. Good luck!
I totally agree with you - that being gay does not define or change who you really are. Accepting youself as gay allows you to feel comfortable in your own skin, and being honest with people about being gay allows you to feel complete and totally present when you're with those people. Those are both good things. The fact that other people might take issue with you being gay is, to be honest, their problem. Not yours. If your parents were to let you being gay ruin their marriage then they don't have much of a marriage to start with. At the same time, there's no rush to come out either. Make sure you're ready. You'll get to the point where you're more uncomfortable in the closet than you expect to be out of it - so you come out. You'll know that point when you get there. And until then, just hang out here. We're an awesome bunch. And we're gay. And the more you hang out here the more you'll equate gay with awesome. And when you've reached that point, you won't worry nearly as much about what other people are going to think.
Thanks for the support! I want to come out because of how long I've struggled with this, it juts feels like I should get it it all over with sooner rather then later now that I, personally, am okay with it. I don't know, perhaps it would be best to wait till what my family thinks matters a little less. As to whom else I could come out to I just don't know. My cousins are all much younger then I, and generally look up to me. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd hate to have go to one of them to support rather then them to me. Just wouldn't seem right to me. I have some friends, but they seem okay with the idea one moment and then another they want to vomit. I just feel lost somehow, I can't really explain the feeling. It's not often I go to anyone asking for help really, it's just a different sensation. As a last note, I love my parents and though it shouldn't be me that breaks up a marriage (good or bad), I just really don't want to create more drama for them. Bah, sometimes I wish I was the only person in the world! :bang:
