I've been going out with a boy since May, but have yet to formally meet his family. My sister knows we're going out, but my parents have no idea I'm with someone. This is at his request, that he doesn't feel he's ready to meet them yet. Is this extraordinarily long? His parents are divorced, he lives with his mother, she knows he's gay and is fine with it, he's yet to tell his father, and doesn't know how he'd take it, but they don't live together. Equally, my parents also know that I'm gay. So that isn't the issue. It's just seems to be that Ben Stiller/De Niro thing that he's anxious about, except that I don't really want to meet his father yet, I just want us to be able to go to our respective houses when our parents are there, and possibly stay for dinner. He knows I want to take this step, but has kept saying he's not ready. Is there any thing I can do to press on him the length of time we've been together that this shouldn't be a deal, that we should just get it over with. I had hoped we could spend time over Christmas, but it doesn't look likely now. For context, he's just turned 21, I'm 24. It's his first serious relationship, my first with a boy (and I was only with the girl then for half the time I've been with him).
Well, first, may I recommend you call him a man not a boy? At 21, he's not really a growing boy any more. lol Secondly, I think you're right. That is quite a long time to have never met the family. At the very least, I think you two should have met your respective siblings to at least test the waters or maybe some very close friends and moved from there. However, some would say 'not to force it' but if I hadn't met them over this length of time I would be seriously questioning his level of honesty about the committment of our relationship. All my boyfriends, not that I am a standard, have met my parents first as friends to eliminate the problem that you're having. Sad that you didn't get to spend Christmas together and I understand how disappointing that can be for you. I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you don't dwell on this all day and you can move on. If anything, I would ask him about how committed he is to your relationship and explain to him how important it is to him to have you around his family and vice versa because this makes you feel like you're a secret and not worth knowing about and also that you feel it degrades the importance of your relationship. Rather, I'd start with the mother on both sides as they're typically more accepting and if it doesn't make too big of waves, continue further. Have a good day~
I don't think you should push the issue. We know all the struggles and the hard times we have growing up and accepting ourselves and knowing that other people's perceptions on our lives really shouldn't have to affect the way we live, and the way towards understanding that is hard and long, and you know it. And I don't think is fair for him to have this "boy" pushing him down the road, it's not right. Give him time. I know you're really ready and you feel anxious to do this and feeling like a normal Holiday with a normal relationship. But he is not ready and that's something you can't change by just forcing him to. Odds are that if you force him to do it or sway him to do it while he doesn't feel alright, things won't go as good as if they're done with him convinced he is ready and he really being ready. Have patience, support, love and above all, more love. He will be thankful and you will too.
"Bringing the boyfriend home" can be nerve-wracking to the boyfriend. To many, it feels like meeting the enemy...on the enemy's home turf. So maybe you might suggest meeting somewhere more neutral? Perhaps at a restaurant, or some sort of function? It would work even better if there were a lot of people there - then it no longer becomes a "meet the boyfriend" event. It's just a a friendly get-together where your boyfriend gets to meet your parents for the first time. Lex
Thank you for your contributions. First off, don't read too much into my use of the word boy. I'd still hope someone would use that to of me in this context for a few years yet. None of my friends talk yet of meeting men or women. I had a graduation ceremony earlier this month, that would have been a nice time to have set up a meeting as Lex mentions. Unfortunately, I don't see any other event like that arising soon. In college, we're in the same broad group of friends, as is my sister, so she's met him as my boyfriend. Her own boyfriend was in the same class in school as him, which isn't as likely as you might think given the numbers in college. He's over to our house often enough, and they text each other. It also annoys me a little that I'm usually the one to text my boyfriend to arrange meeting up, or even saying hello. As to his sister, I met her one morning in his house after staying over, but we didn't let her know that we were together then. That seems a bit strange really as I type it now, but I don't doubt that he wants things to last between us, and things are great between us when we do meet up. I just wonder if we need to talk again about all that it means to be in a relationship.
What are you missing out on by not having this official "meet the family" thing? It doesn't seem to be keeping you from hanging out and dating so maybe there isn't a real issue. Just keep dating and having fun together.
Well, as I alluded to, that we could go to each other's houses with the rest of the family there. That I could stay over without the ridiculous charade of pretending to his sister that there's nothing between us. Meeting family is a very natural progression once a relationship has gone a little beyond just dating and having fun.
I was right to wonder about this as an issue, or at least part of a broader issue. Yesterday week ago, he did break up with me, explaining that I seemed more committed to it than him. I didn't want to post here straight away, but there it is. A good seven and a half months though.
I'm sorry (*hug*) (*hug*) Those kinds of things happen, but you're more than entitled to be upset. Take care of yourself , (*hug*) Cécile
I'm really sad to hear that (*hug*) He does sound like a decent guy for realising there's different expectations and not wanting to lead you on. Though I guess that's only little help for now... (*hug*)
