There are very few things that get me upset. When I am I usually know what to do. I ask myself questions, check out all the outcomes beign negative or positive. Pretty much a take my own advice kind of person but this is the only issue that I can't give myself advice from because of how mixed the problem is. I need to start from the very beginning. My father died when I was 2. I never knew him and I don't remember him. People often ask me if I wish he didn't die and to their surprise I don't mind the way things turned out. I would have loved to have a father but never knowing anything outside of a single parent household, I can't fathom what having a Dad would have been like or would be. I love his legacy though. He was a very well liked man. We lived in Puerto Rico at the time of his death. He was an electrical engineer getting ready to run for office, he was the golden child in his family as well as the community. After his death we moved to Florida. Tampa was our first place of residence. Our families were very close. My mother left behind all her sisters cousin family friends everything to get away from it all because she couldn't stand Puerto Rico in the first place and on top of that his death made living there unbearable. To our surprise his family moved out of Puerto Rico as well...to Tampa. After a year or so in Tampa we moved to Orlando and have been here ever since. Now this is where the problem starts. My mother gets into these rants that we need to visit our grandparents in Tampa more often. We need to take days to visit them more frequently and as a nice understanding and compassionate grandson I agree...only problem is that the past starts making sense and seeing them becomes less desirable. Looking back now that I am older I can kinda see what has been going on. If you don't live in Florida, Tampa to Orlando is about a 1hr30min ride or less. My whole life we have been taking this trip to visit family and now that I try to really remember my family moments I really don't remember them ever really visiting us. Christmas, Birthday's celebrations nothing. The did come once or twice, always leaving late (from their house), always getting lost, always staying for about an hour or even less. They never called either it was us who had to call aunt gramps and gran for their special occasions. Not the other way around. Now I am a lot closer to my mom's side of the family...why? They come every summer to spend time. They are from Puerto Rico so they have to make an effort in order to see us. I have more memories of them than I do of my father's side of the family. My little cousins moved up to Orlando and we have been spending every other week with them. We aren't able to go to Puerto Rico that much but when we do we are there for weeks at a time or major events like Christmas, Thanks giving, New Years, Sweet 15's/Sweet 16's etc. I'd like to be closer to them than I am at the moment but its hard because of the distance from Puerto Rico and Orlando...1048miles but we make due. I love that my mom's side of the family take time to come and see us as we do to them. I just can't get over the fact that they live so far away and yet I have family that lives closer (than the plain ride here) and they don't make a fucking effort to see us, even when we were kids. They contact me on Facebook and have the nerve to tell us "When are you going to visit us/them?" I feel as though I'm being guilt tripped into going to see them. And every time we do it is another AWKWARD (in the worst way) moment. We all sit on the couch looking at each other, Small talk Small talk, grandpa starts crying and everyone ignores him. Aunt starts talking about how the Muslims are taking over USF and their plot to take over the world, Grandpa starts choking on his saliva while crying and grandma is pretending everything is perfect. Direct questions like "why don't we have kids yet" "who are we dating" "how much money are we making" etc. By the way the reason he cries is because I'm apparently the spitting image of my father. He was the favorite child and my grandfather wished all his kids dead in order to get him back. Bottom line I feel like as a grandson I should go and visit my dad's side of the family but what is the point? They weren't involved in my life growing up and now I'm obligated to go visit them as much as possible in the name of our cultural background (for those of you not familiar with the Latin background, family comes before anything), because I have a car and because my mother says so. Speaking of my mother she doesn't like visiting them. She say's they are dirty and lower class plus they talk too much. She didn't come last time when she forced my brother and I to go. Its just a fucked up situation and I'm torn. I cannot and will not treat them like my mother's side of the family because they unlike my father's side makes efforts to come and see us. My dad's side of my family is still my family though. Every time we visit it is very uncomfortable. I DONT HATE THEM but I can't shake the feeling off that I don't love them. They are nice people who I think are still dealing with my Dad's death after 20 years. We keep in contact over facebook. My brother doesn't see it but my cousin is ticked at us for not visiting, granted, he is older than me and can drive his ass over here as well. I'm just tired of putting in love and not getting much of it in return. I just don't know where to place these people in my life or if I should place them anywhere to begin with. I feel as though this situation should have one easy answer but each one makes me feel wither like a little boy for whining or an asshole for not putting up with it anymore. :goodevil:
(*hug*)I guess I can relate somewhat. My Dad can sometimes be a jerk and I never ever see him because he is a Colonel in the U.S. Marine Corps. When he does comes home it feels akward and I never really want to talk to him. :dry: He, like :rolle:I said, can be quite a jerk sometimes (He is a huge homohobic) and we just end up having those akward conversations. But it is not quite your situation! But I know he is extremely proud of my achievements and what I am doing in life. He sobs everytime when he comes home and is so happy to hear that I do well in football and grades and such. Although it can get a little akward at times, I just force myself to smile and talk. I try to think of things we can do that would be fun, so far I haven't succeeded but it is the thought that counts. Family is still family, they are your blood. Whether they hate you or not doesn't matter, I try to do the best I can with what I'm givin. Be yourself in front of them, maybe try to take your grandpa to lunch or dinner and have tak sum about your dad. Ask him what his fondest memories are. Perhaps you might be the key to helping them heal! I know when I lost my brother to suicide it tore my family apart for a long time and it still does. But talking about it helps. If everything fails at least you tried it. i feel it is always better to extend a hand then to not extend it at all. I hope this helps, keep us informed! Remember we are always here for you. If you want to chat drop me a wall post. (*hug*)
I'm not sure how old you are. And my advice would change depending on your age. If you're of legal age, I'd just say skip visiting them. It doesn't appear anybody's getting anything out of it, other than being able to check off an imaginary box on the imaginary "family obligation" chart - "visited relatives? check." That said, I do recognize the pattern here, although it's with a friend of mine. "When are you going to visit me again?", as if they're rooted to the spot and can't figure out how to visit you. When my friend does this now, I just say "I'm not sure I can make out there any time soon. But if you can manage to come visit me, I'm sure I could make some time to visit with you." Funny how that always ends the conversation. But if you're still living with your mother, I'd say have a talk with her. This is going to be touchy, so you'll want to go into this smart. You're going to have to appeal to her mainly intellectually rather than emotionally. So don't go in ready to cry and scream and shout. Instead, think about the logical arguments. Nobody seems to get anything out of these visits. It's always awkward for everybody. You stay in touch through Facebook. You'd be more than happy to see them if they want to come visit you. Make your point as calmly and sans emotion as you possibly can. Chances are she's not enjoying the trips any more than you are, so she might be persuaded. Lex
That's what i really want to do just tell her that "hey look you don't like them and we do and we still talk we just don't have the time to do it and not only that they never ever visit us. What kind of family is that?" The guilt that comes up from knowing my grandfather is not in the best of health and that I am the only reminder of his son is what keeps me on the fence. I know I'm the only one who can make the choice in the end, to openly not be close with them but I just don't know if I should feel justified to feel this way. I can't help feeling it but I don't know if I have the maturity to make that decision.
