Hey! I was wondering if anyone has had similar experience and might be able to provide some advice. My girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 years but I have known her for 5. It would have worked earlier except her mom and sister lost it when she told them that I was gay, the first year I knew her, and that she was interested in me, the second year. Her mom threatened to kill herself if we got together and she has been verbally abusive to her daughter. They’ve said some nasty stuff about me too but I wasn’t there. They actually think that I've brainwashed her. I bought her a dream catcher once and they thought that I put a spell on it or something... So, we’ve been going out for two years and my gf is terrified to tell them that we’re together. She thinks they will disown her and leave the country… and it sounds like they might. I see her about once a week, but her mom and sister think that she only sees me once every other week. She lies to them to see me. She only talks to me on the phone when they are out. She hasn’t made any attempts at talking to them about me since the last freak out. Her sister and mom still get angry with her for a few days after they know she has visited me. She says she wants to live with me and stop sneaking around but she doesn’t know if she can go through with telling them. She is very close to them, despite it all. She immigrated here with both of them from a war-torn area. They’re not particularly religious, in case you’re wondering. Any advice? Should I stick around or give up?
You've put up with this for 2 years, so part of me says what's the hurry. If you really care for her, stick it out. Presumably she won't live with them forever. How old is she though? Is she in a position to move out? If she is, then she totally should. I know her mom and her sister are important to her, but there are a few billion other peopel on this earth, and a lot of them aren't crazy like those two appear to be. I know they've come from another part of the world, and I know they are religious, but it's THEM who have a problem, not your girlfriend. She really needs to figure out how and when she's going to start living her own life, and stop living theirs. So stick around or give up? That's a question for your girlfriend. How much longer do you think you could stand to live in this situation, and how does that time frame match up with her plans to come out and/or part ways with her family? If those two time lines don't line up, then perhaps you're better to cut your losses now and move on.
Thanks for your thoughtful response Jim. She is in her early 30s (I’m ten years younger), but she really doesn’t want to move out. She doesn’t really have any close friends here besides me so that may be part of it. In her culture, you don’t move out until you’re married. I agree that she really does have to start living her own life at some point. I’m a pretty sick of it all, but I do love her. I’ll give her a “tell them or I’ll leave” timeframe and hopefully that will resolve things. I guess I’m concerned that, with all the lying, she has never had any intention of taking the next step. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Thanks again.
Welcome to EC! This would make sense if she were 16, where she could think "well, soon I'll be out of school, and then I can do what I want". But she's in her 30s. I don't want to pull a culturally insensitive "oh grow up" routine, but there doesn't appear to be any "next step" in her vision the way there is with a 16-year-old. She's apparently trying to play both sides of the street - stay under the watchful eye of her mother on one hand, and keep you on the other. And I'm guessing she's simply going to try to keep playing both sides as long as she possibly can. I guess that would be fine if you were fine with it, but you're not. (And that's not surprising.) So it may come down to whether or not she wants to risk alienating her family or alienating you. Just be prepared for the fact that she might choose her family after all is said and done. Lex
