Recently we had a new addition to the family. Although I helped parent 2 of 3 kids for the past 9 years, they are both married adults for over a year now. It is a very painful situation as I am being told that I can't be a "grandma" to the baby, though they would love me to be in it's life. They acknowledge that I parented them and love them. I am deeply pained by this. Deeply. There is a riff now. Actually, I wish I could move away, even leave my relationship. I have always been so strong, but my family is in another state. They accept and love us both unconditionally, though right now they want to protect me. My partner loves her kids. Of course she does. I would expect nothing less. I love them, too. I have always called them my kids, but now I need to refrain from it. Anyway, I'm upset and trying to find within me "my" absolute truth. They live close. Two sets of heterosexual adults. It feels like "they" are privileged and through actions and words, it is clear that I am not. I tried to find anything on children of gay parents growing up and then turning on them. We once were very, very close. So, I stumbled on to this forum. Here I am... still trying to figure out what to do.
Hi LizAnn, and first thing, welcome to EC , I am really really sorry that you're in such a painful situation. I can't even imagine what it must feel like for you to be told that you can't be the grandma of your partner's grand-child and to feel rejected by children you have been raising. However, I would suggest you to refrain taking any harsh decisions while you're still under the shock. I don't know if this is something you would like to do, but maybe you can act as if nothing happened. The relationship between grand-parents and grand-children has it's own rules that are defined by the grand-parents and the grand-children and nobody else. If it's something you want, keep being the same person you always were, and love this child the way you want to. You don't need to be called grandma by the parents to feel that you're his/her grand-mother, and I'm sure he/her don't need you to be called grandma by his/her parents to love you as a grand-mother. In the end, it's him/her who will decide who you are for him/her, not his/her parents. I know it's tough, and this will require a lot of strenght from you, but I strongly believe that a child love can overstep every boundaries. If you love that child, he/her will love you back, no matter what his/her parents say. And with a bit of luck, seing this love the parents will realize that they've been wrong all the way. But if you feel differently, feel free to do whatever feels right for you. Take care, Cécile
