I am a gay male, and have been with my partner 4 years or so - we live about an hours drive apart in our own homes, While i am out to my family and i dont care whom knows i am gay and dont hesitate to mention my partner when relevant, he is quite closeted unless its other gay people, he is very much against "str8's" His elderly mother lives next door to him, and when I visit we spend a lot of time at his mums house, its lovely and its like a second family and everything - except its a huge secret that we are "together". It upsets me because its like he is ashamed - when i bring it up he wont talk about it or says she is too old to understand "she's of an older generation who are set in their ways" he says. I dont like having to be guarded all the time when i am there and careful not to mention anything to give us away, I'm kind of family but yet i am not, its just not "defined" and i feel all the time like i am second best - he gets scared his mum will be upset and die as she is old, but then as i said to him, he's quite happy to have me upset all the same. His mum is very with it for her age, and i am sure if she had any sense she would have realised by now, i mean we talk all the time, we have been on holidays together, i have sent cards and other things that are just too many give aways. I dont know what to do, in recent times out relationship has been suffering, the affection is lacking and the sexual side is non existent. To me, its more and more as if he is ashamed uncoinciously of us, even though he outwardly puts out the image he is proud to be who he is. I'm just so sick of bringing up these subjects to him and he wont discuss changing the subject or going all childlike and protesting. I've put up with a situation i am unhappy with for 4 years or so now, and it seems he is happy to continue as long as he can get away with it. I have given him the ultimatum that 1. i am here and will help him through this, but he must discuss and face these fears 2. if he refuses to work with me as a partner to do this then i wont be sitting around another 4 years in a situationi am unhappy with, and will be left with no choice but to reveal how things really are (we are partners) to his mother, and what happens then is what happens.. He goes on, he would "shoot me down" if i did that, in other words he would not be happy! Trouble is then it sounds like i m there really horrible one being bossy and dominant - but in past relationships, i basically had to put up and shut up with situaitons that were to the others benefit more than it was mine...and ultimately i always wondered why i stayed for so long...so in this case i am not prepared to sit around another undefined period in which nothing will change unless i make it happen. What do you think i should do? I just dont want to feel like i am a secret, family doesnt know we have something more so things like christmas i dont see him until the evening when his family xmas is over, not their fault they dont know...but i just dont want mixed messages i am his partner, but then not actually his partner at other times..
From what you say here, it sounds like you're implying that he is purposely staying in the closet while in a relationship with you and that he is proud of it. I'm sure that's not the case. You know it's hard to be in the closet and that it's even harder to come out of it. While I don't agree with the fact that you shouldn't be yourself around everyone if you're comfortable being that way, you can't push him to come out either. Truth be told, being gay is a stress for a lot of people. Maybe it was easier for you to come out, but your boyfriend's in his own situation and he doesn't feel ready to come out to his family yet. You just have to let him do it on his own terms. I can't help but wonder if it's the fact that he's keeping you in the closet to his family that's stressing you out or if it is actually the fact that he's refusing to come out that is frustrating you. If you care enough about him to wait for him to come out, keep on going with the relationship. If this is stressing you out too much, you know what you have to do. Good luck.
Personally, since I'm in the closet I would understand keeping a relationship a secret. However, 4 years are 4 YEARS. You should try to convince him to come out to his family, assure him that you are there to support him. It's not fair for you to feel that unhappy for so long. You did your part by accepting your partner to come out when he's ready, but now HE has to do his part to actually come out to his family someday.
I have the feeling that if you guys have been close for four years and you've been travelling long distances to enjoy each other's company, his family suspects something. Personally, I'm of the opinion that it's always unhealthy to lie to yourself/others about something so essential to your being. Right now, it sounds like he's in his comfort zone - he has his gay life and his straight life, and never the two shall meet. He has some pretty magnanimous-sounding excuses for it too, like his mother's health, but really he's doing it for himself. You're in the right here, but there may be some other issues at work. I'm assuming you've talked about this with him deeply, not just in the day-to-day conversation. Is his mother homophobic? Is there any particular reason he quote-unquote can't come out, or is it just a generic thing? Is there a gay family member that the rest of the family disowned? Is it internalized homophobia? If you haven't yet, I'd suggest sitting down and having a conversation, a deep conversation, one of those late night with wine chats. Possibly with a professional third party.
You need to empathise with his predicament and coax him out of his shell. Try not to make too many demands on him or press him too hard. You need to appreciate what he's going through. Say something like "I know how difficult this must be for you but you need to open up to your family about you who are and what an amazing relationship we have." And stress how amazing the relationship really is. It'll reaffirm what brought you together in the first place. Emphasise the "together we can get through this" mentality. And listen to what he has to say too! Don't talk at him but work WITH him. If you can't feel like you can speak to him face-to-face, try putting it down in writing. That might make it easier for you to compose your thoughts and say exactly what needs to be said: no more, no less. I think coming out is a small price to pay to maintain a loving, lasting relationship. Hope it all works out for you! Feel free to write to me if you need to. (*hug*) Doctor Faustus.
I'd like to second what Faustus has said and add a couple of things. If you feel that the intimacy and affection are lacking in your relationship then without a doubt he will be feeling the same. His lack of confidence in coming out to his family will not be boosted if he feels your relationship is on the rocks. I think he needs it reaffirmed that you are there for him and that you want to help him through this difficult time. But only if you are prepared to do that - 4 years feeling under-appreciated is a long time but do you love him? Do you want to be there for him when he comes out to his family? Do you want to be with him long-term? If the answer is yes then maybe look at your relationship differently. You feel let down that you are still his secret (which is something he needs to know and understand) but perhaps his need for support and love is greater than your own right now. I don't wish to sound harsh, I can only imagine how difficult this situation is for you. But I recently confessed to my ex-boyfriend that I had been cheating on him with a woman who is now my girlfriend. It was difficult and painful for me but my girlfriend is, for the first time in her life (she's 30 btw), no longer a secret to anyone in her partner's life. Everyone who is important knows about us (as well as a great deal of unimportant people!) and the joy and happiness this brought her were well worth my difficult decision. I imagine it will mean a great deal to you when your boyfriend comes out to his family, so perhaps remember this when you feel like its not worth it any longer. I also think some serious talking is in order though, he needs to understand how serious the situation has become because its now threatening your relationship. Good luck!
This is a tricky issue, for a couple reasons. First of all, I very much understand your frustration here. Staying in the closet in a relationship can make things very difficult and emotionally stressful (especially if only one person is in the closet), and ultimately it's better for both people, especially the closeted one, to come out finally to their families, friends, etc. On the other hand, I would suggest that you rethink the issue of "outing" him to his family against his will. While I agree that they probably suspect a great deal, and his mother may very well be more accepting than he suspects, this is still a very personal experience that you'd be denying him as a gay man. And if, on the off chance, his family really doesn't take it well at all, then you've opened up a can of worms for him that he won't ever be able to close back up. What's the situation with your family? Are you two out to them? If so, could you approach the issue from that direction - "things worked out fine with my family. even my grandma, etc."?
Thank you everyone for your responses, it means a lot to me. The problem is that i cannot discuss it with him deeply because he just refuses to participate. He evades the subject completely - you know "now isnt a good time" - we'll talk about it later" - pretending to go to sleep etc...imagine a child who doesnt want to do something, thats how he goes doing anything to avoid discussing or facing, its so frustrating, thats why just now i lost my cool and pointed out there is another person in this "me" and we are together as "us" and stop shutting me out when i bring this up, basically if i dont do/say anything it will be rest of our lives and i am not prepared to let it go each time. I dont know how his family feel about gay people, to be honest they are pretty "with it" people and i get along really well with his mum, she is like a mum to me, we talk recipes and things (lol) and gardening and at times i get the feeling she knows, but maybe she doesnt. But as smart a woman she is, she would surely have been thinking twice by now - i dont agree she is too old to understand..thats just a cop out, i tell him to give her more credit. I've explained how i came out to my parents long time ago, at first it was upsetting as they didnt understand - but they soon learnt that gay really didnt mean much different other than my partner was same sex as me, all the other things were the same. They are fine now and my parents have met him a few times - but he even is afraid to hug in front of them. I think at some point he has had someone str8 hurt him badly for being gay, i have told him this, because he is very "angry" toward str8 people - the worlds f**ked cause of straights he will say, and i will jokingly agree at times, but i point out his discrimination toward them is exactly what he is accusing them of doing to gays. In my experience its been gay people who have hurt me more in my life, and luckily for me, str8 people who have been the most understanding, so i point out, despite what he thinks feels, str8 people can understand gay people, cause what we all want/need is much the same regardless, but he disagrees and just beleived point blank that str8 people cant be trusted or ever understand being gay cause they are str8. If he was around gay people, he has no probs with himself or being gay and hugging in front of them. I'm not expecting him to come out to the world, just to those people closest to us, I've told him that i feel some part of him is ashamed or has a problem with being gay, and reminded him how when we complain about all the closested people and how if they all came out, it wouldnt be such a taboo and people would realise how many gay people were out there...that he is being hypocritical as he is being on of those people. That keeping himself, and myself..."us" hidden that its sending a message sub-conciously to himself and to me thats there is something wrong. Probably if his mum & family lived far away and wasnt such a big part of his/my/our life - I really wouldnt care if he didnt want to come out to them, but since they more or less live together - its a part of his life i am excluded from as a partner. I cant even send him any special gifts or notes in the mail cause his mum might see them (they clear each others letterboxes which are side by side) But i have sent that many "gifts" and "cards" anyway just never saying anything loving in that way in them - i dont think str8 mates do that!! :icon_bigg I ring him at his mums house and thats fine, asking about health things and other life things..that u wouldnt do with a friend...well not male guys.. she must know... i have tried coming from the angle how much i care and i am here for him and lets talk bout what scares him and how we can alleviate those fears...but it doesnt work.. His mum would probably get a bit of a shock to have it confirmed, but i think she would (like any other parents) have to accept it...and would, just like mine did. I thought i was keeping the closet secret well when i came out to my parents and told them how it was over 12 years ago, and they more or less said "hmm we were wondering" and with them it was more that they were uninformed (as i was) as to wat being gay meant, and thought i was going to start having risky sex and dressing up as a woman etc...but quite simply...nothing changes except my partner has the same sex parts as me...all the other needs and emotions are the same..thats how i explain it. Trouble is, though this is for him to come out - the pressure is on me all the time, but its not MY pressure as such, its not me coming out, its him...that pressure needs to be owned by him, not me. We only see each other usually on weekends, but many a time his family things have come up and cause its not known we are together, he puts those first..when if they knew it was only the weekends that was our time i am sure they would be more respectful...those situations really hurt me, more than they hurt him. but at the end of the day, as much as i hate this whole situation and its stressing me, like i say 4 years i have talked about it, 4 years i have put up with it....if i dont do anything different he will never face it, i am trying to as lovigly but firmly tell him, just like i have to face things in life and he has helped me through it, he has to face some things too, and i am there like he was for me - acting they dont exist, especially when they impact on me wont make it go away and life is short, i dont want his mum to die either, especially not knowing about us, i also asked him to think about "what if he told his mum and she realised that for so long he could not talk to her to tell her this" maybe she would feel more upset that he couldnt confide in her? - (but then again maybe they dont discuss deep things?) - i never did with my mum...until i went through all this and we actually became closer over time becase of it!!
It sounds like he's really close to his family. Sometimes, that makes it scarier to come out to them. There's more to lose. I think it would be wrong to out your partner to his family, but you could initiate more general discussions about gay people, and find out what they think about it. Preferably with your partner there, so that he'll know, too. My guess would be that his mom knows that he's gay, and probably has some idea that you are more than just a friend. It would be pretty hard for her to judge the seriousness of the relationship, though. But one thing about the "older generation" is that it was a lot more common for there to be things that everyone knew, but no one ever talked about. (Particularly, if he's gone at least 4 years without dating women at all, his mom surely suspects. Did he have many girlfriends before? Does his family try to set him up with women?) Maybe you could tell his family about someone who's been rejected by their family after coming out to them, and see what they say.
