my story

Sup dudes,

So in this thread I am basically just going to be explaining my situation, hoping that perhaps someone will just give me some feedback. So I am pretty sure I am gay, but maybe bi. I don't really care about labels that much at all, so it doesn't make a bit of difference to me. Either way, I am attracted to men. This can be rough for me because I am super closeted and do not plan on coming out any time soon. This is just how I want it to be right now. This is mostly because I don't think I could handle coming out at this point in my life. I am 20 and in college, super masculine and it would be a definite shock to everyone I know. I am an athlete as well and coming out to my team/coach would definitely hurt me as far as moving further in my athletic career is concerned. I am perfectly fine with being closeted and this is not going to be the focus of my post.

What I am trying to get to is the fact that I am in a closeted "relationship" (for lack of a better term) with another guy who is also closeted. He is pretty much just a regular masculine acting guy like myself, but who is definitely more attracted to girls than I am. We met online, and basically it started as just being a way for each of us to experiment with another guy, as we had both only tried mutual masturbation with another guy once before. It turned out that we had a lot in common and we were both attracted to each other so we made it a regular thing. He goes to the same school as me. This happened about a month and a half ago. Since then we have gotten significantly more attached to one another and I have been sleeping with him about twice a week ever since we met. There is a definite connection between us that both of us share. I know because we have discussed this exact thing. Recently We had one of the hottest meetings to date and everything seemed like it was going well. We were supposed to meet again on friday because this would be the day that we were both going to be done with our last final. I was planning to ask him what his plans were over the winter break to see if it was going to be possible to see him then. Today, however, he texted me asking if we could cancel friday. I was pretty shocked to say the least because I thought everything was better than it ever has been before between us. I think I will just type the actual conversation that happened via text message because I want to see if perhaps I am just misinterpreting it. Also, he is european and his english is really good, but it was not his first language so sometimes he makes tiny mistakes with typing.

Him: hey i am a little confused. Would it be cool if we cancel the plan on friday? To me you are hottest ever creature but I should think a bit.

A couple of minutes later he sent another text saying

him: And i apologize to ask it. I would never want to ask.

Me: Of course I will respect your wish. If you change your mind though I would love to see you. Even if you just want someone to talk to, I will gladly listen.

him: You are amazing and I did not change my mind either. Just super confused.

Me: Just to be clear, you did not change your mind about what exactly? And i completely understand if you are confused, which is why i am willing to lend an ear anytime.

He didn't respond for a while so I sent another one saying

Me: Take all of the time you need to clear your mind. Also, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are awesome as well. and i really like spending time with you

After a couple of hours

Him: Same here. You are smart sweet n certainly 11 level hot.

I know without a doubt that he is attracted to me and likes me, but I just don't want to blow what we have going on. It is extremely difficult to find someone that you are compatible with when closeted. Also, in case you couldn't figure it out I think that he is questioning being with a guy vs a girl because he has only ever been with a girl before I came along. It is probably easier for me because I have never been with a girl. I really want to ask him if I will be able to see him over the winter when we are not living at college but I haven't even asked him where he is going to be staying during that time period (i was planning to ask him on friday). I also know that he was thinking of moving to a nearby city to peruse a new job after this semester was finished. I was trying not to think about the fact that after he moved it would be much more difficult to see him, and we had not really discussed it because he had not made up his mind on coming back to college or not. I also do not want to push too hard though and scare him away because I seem to needy. Any thoughts on the matter would be great. I probably left something out but if you have questions don't hesitate to ask.

 

thanks for the replies guys.

I think I am going to wait until friday to text him. I am going to ask him if he is sure he does not want to meet even to just chat because I would really like to know what his future plans are for the break and beyond as far as where he is even going to be living and the such. But I am definitely not going to push to hard. If he still doesn't want to see me on friday I will just take insidehappy's advice and wish him a good holiday break and ask him to stay in touch.

Also, something that I left out is that one time he asked me if I thought we would be friends outside of his room (the only place we have met before) one day. I said yes because we have so much in common and he agreed. So I am hoping this means he will not just vanish from my life.

 

alright, I think I have figured out what I am going to say when I do text him. Originally I was thinking of texting him tomorrow because I would like to see him before I leave to go home the day after. I do not live too far from where I go to college so theoretically I could visit him, but I think he might be going somewhere else for the break as well that day. What do you guys think? is tomorrow too soon considering he asked me to cancel yesterday (wed). Also, here is what I am planning on saying so far.

" Hey man, let me start by saying that i completely understand if you need more time to think. I have been thinking as well and I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I really would like to see you sometime soon. You are so awesome. You are smart, hot and very sweet. And like I have said before, I am very happy we connect on multiple levels. Again, no worries at all if you still need time, just let me know. I am willing to wait for you. "

and then hopefully he will respond, and if he says he needs more time I will tell him

"I understand. Also if you need someone to talk to about anything, I am always here as a friend as well."

What do you guys think?

Wow, I probably seem pretty paranoid right now. I just don't want to mess up what I have, but I want him to know I care for him.

 

Well I definitely can't ask him anything today or tonight because we both have our last final exam tomorrow and studying is much more important right now (even though I can't really focus on studying...hmm I wonder why). should I text him tomorrow or is that too soon?

 

Thanks guys, this is helping a lot. And we did pretty much jump right into the sex, but we always talk about random stuff for at least an hour before we get started. This is how we found out we have so much in common. The thing is we both don't really like talking about the whole sexuality thing in person. i know at least for me it makes me feel weird to say it out loud. The one time we did talk about it, it seemed like we were speaking in code because neither of us wanted to actually say words like gay, guys, or men even though no one else was around to hear what we were saying.

Another thing is we have only met in public once before and that was the first time we met. It is not that we are worried about being outed because no one would ever be able to tell based on how we act. It is just that he is actually a grad student where I go to school and grad students and undergraduates generally never hang out together, because they do not live in the same area and they are usually not in the same classes. We would have to figure out a story of how we knew each other in case we run into someone we knew (which is fairly common).

 

Also, I guess I should have mentioned this as well. We have never really said things like "i like you". instead it is always "I like your smile" or "you are sweet" or stuff like that. I know going into it that both of us were not exactly looking for a relationship, but I since we have been seeing each other I think things have changed. Maybe he doesn't want to start an actual relationship and that is why he wants to take some time to think. Or maybe he might want to be in a relationship and it seems like all I want is the physical connection. I don't know...I would be fine with staying with what we have or moving towards an actual relationship. I just don't want things to go in reverse.

I wish I could talk to him but I don't think he really wants to talk about it because I have already asked him twice if he wanted to and he sort of ignored the thought (see above conversations).

 

so I just caved and sent him the text now...waiting for a reply still. I am SO ridiculously nervous

I said what i was planning on saying but added that i would be fine with meeting even if it was to just grab coffee or something. I also added something like "now back to studying at the end as well"

Actually he just responded!

him: "good luck pacman. lets txt tmrw later maybe we d hang."

The pacman nickname is because he was coding for a CS program that made a pacman game and one time he couldn't meet me because he was working on it late so he texted me saying that he wished I was his only pacman that night. Somehow it stuck. I don't mind it . We are both the nerdy jock type, fyi.

I just responded "sounds good. "Good luck to you as well".

I hope I am not pushing him to meet me...

 

Thanks jlg65, I hope you are right.

just got another text from him

"i agree about the connection. unusual. and you are awesome too. incredibly hot n smart with good taste."

This is the second time he has said we have an "unusual connection". I sure hope that is a good thing.

 

We actually only really flirt via text. When we are together we pretty much just talk about normal things and then kinda just get into making out if the conversation dies for too long, haha. I guess we sometimes start by talking about working out which usually leads to feeling each others muscles and then...

But yeah, definitely more flirting via text than in person. I am not sure if I am comfortable flirting in person yet though. I am still kinda getting used to it through text. I have mostly been learning through his texts to me, haha. flirting with a guy is new and different to both of us though so i wouldn't say it is coming naturally.

And stumble along you are right. I need to study now! Must. Clear. Mind.