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Old 6th Mar 2012, 12:37 AM   #1
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Default I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

I've known my best friend for almost three years now, ever since we started high school together. We've always been great friends but towards the end of last year I realised that I had feelings for him. I ignored them for a while but now they have gotten to strong to ignore. I know I love him. It's gotten to the point where nearly everything reminds me of him. Where I'm ALWAYS thinking about him. When I dream about him every night. Whenever I'm with him I always just feel like hugging or kissing him. He is just so great. He is really the only person that can make me smile in ANY situation. I just want to be with him forever.

But he is just so confusing. I don't know if he is gay or not. He tells me he is homophobic and fully denies being gay. However, he does give signs that he is gay, it's usually just little things, but enough to convince someone that he is gay. There have been several times when he has met someone new and they think he is gay. He hardly ever talks about girls and constantly hangs out with me at school (we dont spend much time together outside of school, although we constantly text each other or talk over the internet). A lot of the time he shows me his abs, which hurt to look at because he is so hot. He sometimes even asks me and some of my friends to feel his abs or "breasts". Yesterday he went up to his other best friend and started spooning him (hugging him from behind).

The other day we had a sleepover with a few friends. In the afternoon we were playing twister and he was intentionally trying to get into awkward positions with us, (for example, getting his crotch right in my face or leaning over my back or stomach.) Later that night my other friends had gone to sleep but me and my best friend were doing an all-nighter. We started fighting each other with a permanent marker and ended up physically getting very close to each other (as in pretty much lying on each other) and then we just stared in each other's eyes. I was so tempted to kiss him right there and then. Whenever I look into his eyes I find it so hard to look away. He is just so amazing.

My friends usually make gay jokes about me (they dont know Im gay) and more specifically, they joke about me and my best friend being in a gay relationship. I like to do everything with him and spend as much time as possible with him. Whenever he's not with me, my world feels empty. I guess you could say, he IS my world.

I just love him more than words can say. I want to tell him but I don't know what he will think of me. He does say he is homophobic after all. What if he completely rejects me and it ruins my friendship.; If he doesnt love me back I probably wouldnt be able to be friends with him because it would be too hard, and if he is truly homphobic he could completely turn against me anyway. I dont know what to do.

I don't know if my friend is really homophobic (it could just be a cover). I dont know if he is really straight or gay. I'm pretty sure he doesn really like any girls (we never talk about them. he doesnt even talk about girls to his other best friend who almost always has a girlfriend). One thing I know for sure though is that I really love him. He is the one that I always think about. The one that can always make me smile. The one that I always dream about, and the one that I want to be with forever.

I don't know what to do, someone.... please help
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Old 6th Mar 2012, 01:52 AM   #2
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Based on what you said i myself would assume hes at the very least not straight, BUT you can't really exclude the fact that maybe that's just how he is, and the international positions were just coincidence ( I don't really see how you can pull that off during a game of twisted unless he was a really good spinner)
I wish the best of luck, and having one of those close eye contact moments is like on my top ten list so. jealous haha.
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Old 6th Mar 2012, 07:30 AM   #3
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

talk with him about it?

you don't want to get into a situation where you blurt something out or drunkenly kiss him (trust me it happens haha). start with discussing being gay, and then later on get to liking him...also, since you're questioning right now, this may just be one lusting that happens during your questioning period. you may feel different later on. if you don't and it's not a short-lived passion, talk to him about it.
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Old 9th Mar 2012, 08:04 PM   #4
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

ARGH! I'm so confused.

The other day, he said he wanted me to go out with some girl (I don't know why) and of course I made up an excuse and said no. I then asked my friend why he didnt want to date here, and although not exactly saying it, he pretty much said "I'm not interested in dating any girls at the moment".

He always (nearly every day) pulls on my tie to stuff it up (in a seemingly flirtatious way sometimes) and sometimes even pulls me closer to him when he does it.

Yesterday in class, I sat next to him (like I always do) and about half way through the lesson, i started playing footsie with him. He was doing it back to me for a while and then we stopped. Then near the end of the lesson I playfully kicked his leg and he immediately starts stroking my leg with his hand.....

ARGH! I don't know....
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Old 9th Mar 2012, 09:34 PM   #5
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

i read the first few sentences and the last paragraph, i did not read the middle because these situations are all the same really.

1. the person is someeon you like
2. the person doesnt know you're gay
3. everyting the person does you interpret it as a hope that he may be gay or into you
4. he sends confusing mixed messages or ones you interpret as mixed.
5. he says he is not gay

advice: he said he isn't gay, accept it whether you think its true or not and move on to people that are obviously gay or out as gay. if you want to push the issue, you can come out to him. although there is a 98 percent chance he will say "i'm not gay" and start distyancing himself from you. There is a 2 percent chance that he will say "omg, i have been waiting years for you to say these words, im in love with you too". ok, that's pretty much not going to happen, even if he is gay pretty much all you're goinna get some phsyical quickie and then distance when he says it was a mistake and he's straight again. just leave it alone.
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Old 10th Mar 2012, 09:05 AM   #6
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by insidehappy View Post
advice: he said he isn't gay, accept it whether you think its true or not and move on to people that are obviously gay or out as gay. if you want to push the issue, you can come out to him. although there is a 98 percent chance he will say "i'm not gay" and start distyancing himself from you. There is a 2 percent chance that he will say "omg, i have been waiting years for you to say these words, im in love with you too". ok, that's pretty much not going to happen, even if he is gay pretty much all you're goinna get some phsyical quickie and then distance when he says it was a mistake and he's straight again. just leave it alone.
yea you have to trust what he says. you may not know and have suspicions, but you have to let him have time to figure it out on his own. Also, you could have read that touching situation the right way, but also I have a lot of touchy girlfriends (platonic) and I've misread them so many times haha. At the same time coming out to him is still a good idea. Start with that, and then get to the romantic situation. Coming out to him might be the first step for HIM as well, but you can't bet on that anyways, and you'll be happier being honest.
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Old 10th Mar 2012, 07:09 PM   #7
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

This is sort of a long process. I would never blurt out and say you like him, that's to secrets coming out at once. But if you are both mutual best friends, then you can come out to him. He will either:
1. Hate you and distance himself from you
2. Accept it and stay best friends
3. Slowly get even closer to you and keep sending those 'mixed signals' until something develops.
It is your choice though, I really don't think it would be a bad thing to confide in him that your gay. After all your best friends. It's understandable though if your to scared to ruin the relationship you already have.
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Old 10th Mar 2012, 07:31 PM   #8
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

I agree with everyone else. If you can trust him, come out to him.
Judging from what you've said of him, chances are that he'll be supportive and that you have nothing to lose. Even though you've noted that he's homophobic, his actions don't really give me that impression at all.

I wouldn't really suggest disclosing your love for him at the same time (or even at all) though. That's quite a lot of information for some one in a short period of time. If he again states that he's not gay, then you'll have your answer and you can work towards getting over him.

It may seem like the be-all-end-all at this point to you, but I feel that, in the long run, it's much better to resolve this than draw it out and suffer at the hand of your own thoughts and worries. If he reciprocates your feelings, super! If not, there will always be someone else out there for you
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Old 11th Mar 2012, 09:02 PM   #9
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

I'd say forget about him, but that would be very hypocritical of me, LOL!

Now this here is the problem.

So what if you guys eventually hook up? Trust me I've been with these kind of guys. They'll hook up with you (especially when they're fucked up) and than run for the hills. You won't get a relationship out of this.

If you're ready to jeopardize your friendship for one night of hot sex, go ahead. But I think you should just stay friends with him and find someone who will actually like you for you.

And that starts with you coming out to the people closest to you.

P.S. This guys a total fag.
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Old 12th Mar 2012, 05:14 AM   #10
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Hey!

I've been in this situation many times and especially in high school! Straight guys in high schools have a way of making you believe they are into you when they are in fact completely straight or completely in denial. It is important to remember that whether he is straight or just in denial (judging from what he says) the outcome unto you will be the same and that will be highly disappointing.

When we crush on someone, we try to interpret every little sign the way we want to see it whether that's how the situation actually is or not. The way things are going, it seems like if these feelings aren't mutual you will be losing a best friend anyways because I know it is really tough to be around someone who doesn't feel the same way.

If you are comfortable, my advice would be to tell him that you may be into guys and see how he responds to that before you tell him you like him specifically. As much as he says he is homophobic, some of the actions you described would go against that. If he was homophobic those close faced moments and playing footsie with him wouldn't be something he would do even as a joke. So at the very least he is just straight, which is a good general assumption. Nevertheless, telling him you like guys may change how he is towards you either more or less distant and that will make it easier for you to determine how he really feels about you.

That being said though, the chances of him feeling the same way, as previously mentioned are very low. Make sure if you tell him you are prepared to handle the most likely response which is he is straight.

Good Luck and keep us posted!

P.S. Msg me on my wall if you need to talk about this more. I have lots of experience (sadly) with stuff like this.
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Old 12th Mar 2012, 09:14 AM   #11
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Yeah Im in the exact same situation. I know my best friend would be supportive of me, but I still don't want to tell her. Im afraid she won't feel the same way and the disappointment would crush me. I have tried distancing myself from her, but then she thinks I am ignoring her and being a bad friend. We are at the point where we fight all the time and she says she wants space. I guess this is a good opportunity to give myself some space as well, and really figure out how I feel and what I want. I just don't know how to get over her.
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Old 12th Mar 2012, 11:43 AM   #12
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

I understand the feeling I'm in this situation with my best friend. I've known her for five years now and I know all her little quirks and habits. We are so compatible emotionally and we have the same sense of humor. I could picture myself settling down with her and raising a family with her, she's really responsible and grounded.but...
I know she's straight. Beyond straight. Rainbows scare her and she bleaches her clothes straight. I know when I come out to her I may lose a friend.

But enough about me. in ya'll's situation, there's probably going to be three possible outcomes, or at least as far as I can see:

1.You come out and your friend admits their attraction for you. If this happens, great, just remember that there's no turning back. If you do decide not to stay together, your friendship may be hard to salvage.

2.You come out and your friend is not attracted to you sexually. They either support you in you or they don't. Or they do that sneeky crap where they pretend they're supportive at first but then fade in the back ground and stop talking to you. Hate that.

ultimatly you're going to have to come out to him if you really feel like you want to take the risk, and you feel like it's eating you up.it's a way better bet than making a move out of the blue or flirting, or somthing that could backfire.
I've heard some great advice from other posters on this subject. eventually your crush will pass. But another element to look at is this peson is capable of hurting you on so many levels you don't realize. They could spread rumours about you, tell your parents, put stuff on facebook, it would just hurt alot. You really risk alot.
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Old 24th Apr 2012, 04:17 AM   #13
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Im 14 teen and going throw the same thing im in love with my best friend leo who i think is like 90% straight , can u tell me if he's gay i can tell why i think so, he waits for me at the end of class he tells me every thing about him , he have hug people have mistaken us for a couple . The other day i tried 2 cut him out of my life he automatically new something was up ,he knows me better than any one else and i know him better than any one else.i dont now what 2 do?
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Old 24th Apr 2012, 04:56 AM   #14
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Hi! I can't really help too much as I am questioning too. But I can tell you this. About his 'homophobic' claim. It could be as you say a cover. But I think there are gay/bi people who genuinely homophobic because they don't know yet that they are gay/bi. That maybe can explain why he does such gay things but still says he's a homophobic. I think its a coping mechanism in a environment thats maybe not as free or liberal. I am drawing this from my own experience. I always thought I was a homophobe. And I hated myself for thinking of guys in a gay way. But now I am questioning Maybe time will help if you can continue to be friends until he feels comfortable with himself. If you are still not out, maybe after you come out he will approach you. That's my best guess.
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Old 25th Apr 2012, 12:34 PM   #15
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

i have been here before. i wasn't aware at the time that I should do the two-step approach...come out to the person first and then tell them secondly (later) that you like them. i did it all at once and basiclaly told teh guy i liked him and he said he was not gay. i accepted that.

honestly i know the two-step approach is really the best way to handle things but in my opinion there's no wrong or right way or method to do something like this. if you feel like you can trust the person and they are not going to bash you, then just do it however, you feel. yes, doing it all at once is sometimes too much informatoni for the other person but when you relaly think about it, if that person really likes you as much as you like them, hearing from you that you are into them would not be a turn off, it woudl be more like "yes!!!! he likes me too". the way i see it is, if my straight crush said "hey there's something i want to tell you, i really like you and i'm into guys". if i really liked that person and was ready for a gay relationship, i would say "really, ok, i like you too.". it wouldn't be "too much" for me. it woud be great to hear that.

the problem is that many of these guys are in denial or even if they like you, they are not in a place yet to be able to deal with gay feelings so the two step approach works better for them. but honestly it only is going to prolounge things for you. because the guy that is in denial or can't face that he likes you may say "ok, it's ok that you're gay" and then you still will be in the dark about if he likes you or not so you will still be wondering or waiting for him to make a move or come out and usually this will never happen unless its some drunk night or something.

you have to do what is right for you and your situation though
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Old 4th Aug 2012, 05:40 PM   #16
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

RandomAssassin;

I've known my best friend for almost three years now, ever since we started high school together. We've always been great friends but towards the end of last year I realised that I had feelings for him. I ignored them for a while but now they have gotten to strong to ignore. I know I love him. It's gotten to the point where nearly everything reminds me of him. Where I'm ALWAYS thinking about him. When I dream about him every night. Whenever I'm with him I always just feel like hugging or kissing him. He is just so great. He is really the only person that can make me smile in ANY situation. I just want to be with him forever.

But he is just so confusing. I don't know if he is gay or not. He tells me he is homophobic and fully denies being gay. However, he does give signs that he is gay, it's usually just little things, but enough to convince someone that he is gay. There have been several times when he has met someone new and they think he is gay. He hardly ever talks about girls and constantly hangs out with me at school (we dont spend much time together outside of school, although we constantly text each other or talk over the internet).

I don't know what to do, someone.... please help [/QUOTE]

---------- Post added 4th Aug 2012 at 05:09 PM ----------

Hello Random,
Today appears to be a great eye-opner for me, as I have been looking for a suitable chat site/blog as this.
Am extremely excited to have come across your mail.This is as a result of the fact that your situation is exactly...exactly..... mine right now.I honestly wonder why I had not discovered your mail ever since march that you posted yours.

This is intresting becos I came across a guy early this year, and since then, I have not given myself any form of rest over him. I did everything to make him become my friend.
He being an extremely polite and decent guy, was also very pleased to meet me.
I have afterwards bothered him with texts, calls etc and he responds very slowly.it had almost been eating me up for months,until I came across a story on radio on relationships, talking about observing the signs 'that yur partner's relationship with you is not goin to work...if you care more about yur partner than he does bout u...'

When I recorded it and listened & listened & listened, then I decided to stop calls and texts, until after some few weeks, this extreme dashingly beautiful well-shaped guy with straight nose, called to register his complaints why i have cut off from him,i kept apologizing.

Previously I used to invite him to places,He didnt honour my invivtations always giving one excuse or the other, until I summoned up courage to visit him at home and get to meet his guardians,intrestingly, they are people I know very well as family firends, but my intrest was this guy, eventually he started honouring my visits..
He is such an eloquent, intelligent, well -spoken, well-read and well brought-up person that right now, I dont now know what to do.
He tells me a lot about himself and his family that am sure he doesnt tell people becos he does not like many friends at all.hardly talks to anyone, and has no intrest in girls at all.
From what I see, he is the kind of person whom girls run after; I thought I was the only one who felt so, until I was equally told.
The sweet slender chap looks gay in appearance, loves short amd slim tops, always bringing out his cute shape.His sexy voice sends me virtulaly melting.....honestly.

Now he visits me in my work place, but not home cos my family is there.

My problem now is that I dont know how to pick up from here.

My discovery is that when I tickle or play with his waist, he tries to move off politely......I dont know what to do.
He never forgets to give me a smile.
Infact when talking to me, he gives me a lot of smile,but he never shows that he wants you so desperately, like I do.

And am so scared to tell him how I feel about him.
If I go ahead to tell him,it will cause me a lot if he doesnt say he is also in love with me. Am not intrested in sex as it sounds.
I just want to romance this guy so beautifully,kiss the living daylight out of him.

But am really scared. He respects me so much....sounds kinda more religious in all he does. He was with me yesterday till evening, I didnt just know what to say.I was so sad when we were driving round town, becos he looks strict somehow,
Pls I need advice on this matter
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Old 4th Aug 2012, 11:13 PM   #17
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

3 months ago I was in the same situation. I met a guy who I thought was amazing. We did everything together, we were so close. I felt that he sent me mixed signals, and that there was sexual tension. Well, it was all in my head. It was a stupid crush on an unattainable straight guy/a deeply closeted guy that will never explore his feelings. Either way, I'll probably never know the truth, and that's okay.

Fast forward to now, I have no interest in him that way. I got over it, and it was the best thing. The problem with crushes is, if you are not careful you may lead yourself to be a fool, and spend too much time and effort trying to figure them out or appeal to them.

In the meantime, they are just sapping up your energy and attention. He is just a guy, and if the feelings aren't mutual, then he is a waste of your time. In my case, we are still friends, but I see him in a realistic light now, and our friendship is better because of it.

Lay your cards out on the table. Tell him how you feel and let things fall as they do. If he reveals that he cares for you, have fun with it. If things go badly, move on. Life is too short to be hung up on 'straight' crushes.

This advice comes to you from my own experience.

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Old 5th Aug 2012, 02:21 PM   #18
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Thanks Archery,
Fantastic write-up;well thought-out advice, concise and too similar to me situation.
I totally agree with you.
But
But
But.... theres an issue.
I've never been around guys this way before, nevver really felt this strong about my thoghts for some one like this.And somehow, my spirit doesnt deceive me, I love this guy.since January this year that I ran into him, I've not had peace.
But you see, I occassionally tell him things like....oh I missed you all these days....he doesnt say anyhting except maybe chuckling,only says I lokkedd out for you in your neighbourhood, didnt see you pass by today and throughut the weekend.
He never says anything like....I like u...or i miss u..
But he does more of the calling and texting these days..
The painful rality is that he's about leaving town and I just hav a short while now to decide what to do.....
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Old 5th Aug 2012, 03:35 PM   #19
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Default Re: I'm gay and in love with my straight best friend. HELP?!

Hi, TalkDTalk.

My usual advice for this kind of thing is that you have to start by coming out to him. That might be complicated by the fact that you identify as "straight but curious." I hope you won't be offended if I comment that your interest in him seems rather stronger than curiosity. If you'd be willing to go as far as "questioning," that might be something that you could tell him--that you are questioning your sexuality.

Once you see how he responds to the idea that you might be attracted to men, then you can decide whether telling him about your feelings for him would be a good idea.

Remember: you can't date a man who doesn't know that you are attracted to men.
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Old 5th Aug 2012, 03:43 PM   #20
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The thing actually is that as much as it sounds easy to say....(laying your cards on the table),it is sure not easy to just say it.

Like I said, this is quite a very well-organised serious-natured guy who to my great amazement, feels so much at home with me. Doesnt really smile to people, doesnt really care to socialise at all, but he laughs so much when hes with me, cracks jokes to tease me in very recent times,when I say he should accompany me anywhere, he hardly says no...or to even give an exccuse....everything seems to be working well.....its just like a dream to me....

But its the last stage I dont have an idea on how to go about it.
Heres what am planning & give me your verdict

Am planning to fix a quick appointment in my workplace,chat him up, keep him till early evening when people have all gone, get close to him and just start kissing him.
Hes good at remembering words... so I dont plan to say anything about my feelings......my greatest fear is his spilling out this hiiden secret feelings to people(if sexual feelings tur out not to be mutual)......he doesnt forget the way things are said....so i think i may have to act more than speak
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