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Could You Be Friends With Somebody Who Thinks Sexuality Is A Choice?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by aeva, May 16, 2012.

  1. aeva

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    I'm currently having a dilemma that is completely doing my head in, and I would greatly appreciate some advice.

    I knew one of my best friends and I didn't see exactly eye to eye on the matter of sexuality, but I didn't know to what extent until he announced to me that he believed sexuality was a choice. He seemed absolutely stunned that I did not agree, and even though I gave him a very logical scientific and experiential argument, he flatly refused to reconsider his position. I ended up just walking out because I was getting so frustrated.

    I met up with him about a week later to give him the chance to apologize, which he didn't. According to his girlfriend (who I'm also close friends with and who agrees with me 100%), he thinks I didn't bring it up because I realized I'm wrong. It's been about a week since then, and I haven't spoken to him, which is unheard of for us. I know that it is unrealistic to expect him to completely change his opinion, all I really want is for him to make the smallest bit of effort to understand why this is important to me.


    The biggest issue is that he is still supportive of my same-sex relationships...he even introduced me to my very first girlfriend when I came out, and has several other close gay friends in addition to me. If he were flat-out homophobic or attacking, I would have no problem ending the friendship...but he's not. Instead of stemming from hatred or fear, his position comes from ignorance and stubbornness. He is still for equality, he just happens to believe that sexuality (including heterosexuality) is a choice. Should his support be the only thing that matters, or should his beliefs be the end of our friendship? I value our friendship, but I'm not sure if I can look past the ignorance...

    How would you guys handle the situation?

    I'm 20 and he's 26, by the way.
     
  2. birdsfly

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    I would ask why doesn't he choose to be gay and then argue he doesn't have feelings liek that for guys bc... he wasn't born that way.
     
  3. King

    King Guest

    Personally, I don't think he meant to attack you. You even said yourself that he's all for equality. I could be friends with somebody who thought it was a choice, as long as they were fine with me being gay, they just thought I wanted to be with a man and not a woman. I certainly wouldn't discuss it with them, though.
     
  4. Maxis

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    I have a lot of friends who believe sexuality is a choice, but are still supportive of LGBTs. I have tried to argue with them once but they still believe what they believe. We're still all friends, though. How do we do it? We just don't talk about it.

    Another one of my friends is super religious and believes that homosexuality is a sin, and is flat-out wrong. In a way he isn't homophobic, because he doesn't attack me or my girlfriend or anything like that, but in a way he is. And guess what? He's one of my best friends. We just never bring up the topic of homosexuality.

    So yes, you could be friends with someone who thinks sexuality is a choice. If your friend is accepting of you, then just leave it be and never bring up the subject. It works. :3
     
  5. birdsfly

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    I used to have a religious friend... once he found out I wasn't the ideal person he never wanted to talk to me again.
     
  6. Maxis

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    Aww, that's a shame :/ (*hug*)
     
  7. TheAMan

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    It doesn't really matter to me if a friend of mine thinks it's a choice. As long as they still support me and love me, things will still be cool between us.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    He's probably bisexual and in denial about it. Because really, this is a variant of the "everyone's really bisexual" meme.

    What I mean is, he could be (is) attracted to both men and women, and he therefore assumes that anyone could be. Logically, anyone who believes this must really be bisexual. They just mistakenly assume that everyone else has the same feelings that they have--but they are wrong.

    Some people are gay, and some people are straight--only significantly attracted to one gender.

    I would be able to be friends with someone like that, but I would probably be vocal at times about my feeling that anyone who can be attracted to both men and women is by definition bisexual, even if they never act on those feelings.

    (Actions are chosen, by the way, but feelings aren't really.)
     
  9. aeva

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    Thank you guys so much for answering this. It seems like you all are pretty much saying what I was thinking: if he's so supportive, does it really matter if he thinks it's a choice?
     
  10. PakiGay

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    All it means is further interactions would dispell the myth of it being a choice. So yeah if someone is supportive but a bit ignorant, "friendship" could be a possibility. :icon_wink
     
  11. silverhalo

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    I agree as long he is supportive then hey there is nearly always something that you disagree with in your friendships.
     
  12. super confused

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    I agree with silverhalo, and I would advise you to just ask him not to bring it up because it really bothers you. If he's a good friend, he'll understand.

     
  13. toremi

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    I dont think the choice of the word "ignorant" is really the best choice; just because he doesn't believe the same things as you doesn't make him wrong and you right and vice versa.

    I think we all need to remember there is no solid 100% proof either way or it wouldn't be still so much of a debate. It will probably never be proven either way, I for one think its a combination of several factors. Either way I think it's best to remember no one owes anyone an apology; neither one seem to be saying something to intentionally hurt the other person. If you are both supportive and loving of each other this in the long run wot matter.

    I hope it works out the best for you! Ask yourself how much it really matters because losing a friend over something petty is never worth it! Trust I've been there!
     
  14. cscipio

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    I think in this situation you two have to disagree agreeably (which is different than agreeing to disagree). It's an important and sensitive issue that some will never, ever understand. I'd go so far to say on similar terms as religion - though there's much more science to support homosexual attraction is certainly not a choice. Some will argue, though, that acting on it is. I'm not saying that's a very helpful view to take, nor is it very supportive, but, that may be what he's actually trying to say.
     
  15. Mike92

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    It doesn't really matter to me.

    I have friends that believe being gay/bi is a choice.
     
  16. Sparked

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    There's not much you can do about his beliefs. If he's not willing to discuss it, you can't do anything about it.

    To be honest, if they accept you for who you are, even if they believe its a choice. I'd be happy. With friends, there are always stuff you disagree about even stuff that's a big deal for you.
     
  17. Mogget

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    I don't really get what the conflict is. He supports you, he's fine with your sexuality, he just disagrees with you on a question of fact. Is that worth losing a friend for? Just being wrong? Because if I stopped being friends with people just because they were wrong sometimes, I wouldn't have many friends.
     
  18. Pret Allez

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    It's annoying, and I could understand being irritated. It took me a long time to make a bisexual friend of mine come around on trans acceptance (and I'd say he's 70% of the way there at best), so I can understand if there are straight people who don't get that many components of sexual and romantic orientation are innate characteristics.

    For the record, I really do think there is some malleability, but not much.

    EDIT: Also, no I could not be friends with someone who believed sexuality or gender identity was 100% a choice. Because that implies that we go out of our way to get abused by the rest of the society. Fuck that.
     
    #18 Pret Allez, May 16, 2012
    Last edited: May 16, 2012
  19. RealityCheck

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    I'm going to say sure if they are a good friend. I know my opinions on a lot of things have evolved over the years. Most do.
     
  20. dano22

    dano22 Guest

    It depends on their attitude about that topic and how they react towards you personally I personallly would be uncomfortable with it but it really depends on the person. Most people who are like that have very extreme views and I would not care to be friends with them.