About 1.5 months ago my mother passed away from severe liver cancer. She contracted Hepatitis C as a child when she got her tonsils out and received a tainted blood transfusion, and Hep-C can often turn into liver cancer in the future. She died after about a week in the hospital, surrounded by all her children, my dad, and some other family and friends. She was very calm about death, joking and being herself up to the very end. She got to call other family and friends and say goodbye and stuff. She was not worried at all. Part of this is because of her strong Christian faith. I had already come out to her, she had struggled with it, but got over it. I'm glad that was worked through before she died! I don't feel that I didn't get to tell her anything, or like I missed my chance at anything. She just passed away young (55). I saw a counselor a few weeks afterward to talk about it. I just don't seem to feel really sad about death, unlike a few of my siblings do. My question is, if you've ever lost a parent or close relative, how have you incorporated their passing into your daily life? Do you participate in fundraisers related to their cause of death? Do you visit their grave once a year? Do you just think about them sometimes? I'm mainly curious because I'm not sure where to "put" my mom in my life. I believe her spirit is still alive, in heaven and everywhere and all that. I just don't want my nonchalant acceptance of her death to turn into repression of sadness. That would suck, wouldn't it?
I'm really sorry about your mom (*hug*) You seem to be taking this pretty well though! Which is good. You actually look at it in a really good way, that her spirit is still here. It may randomly get to you that she's gone sometimes, and that may cause sadness, but that's normal, and could happen. My dad died almost 3 years ago. My reaction wasn't very good, but this is how I deal with most things. I don't like sympathy, so I pretty much blocked out most of my friends and family and pretended like nothing happened. I was in denial of it. My parents were divorced, so I only saw him every other weekend and once every week for dinner. But now I'm better about it, I guess it just took some time. I wish I could visit his grave, but he was cremated. I have a picture of him, and when I really miss him, I talk to the picture just as other people would talk to a gravestone. I would say just remember all of the good things about her, and forget any problems you may have had with her. Continue thinking that she's still with you, and that she's in a better place. Be open to talking about it with other family, it will help out not only you but everyone else too. But I still am sorry (*hug*)
I seem to process death a lot easier than most. I seem to go straight from shock to "well, I'm very lucky to have had this person in my life for as long as I did." not sure why that is. Lex
As far as remembrance goes, try to remember the better times and let go of any regret or bitterness you may have felt beforehand. Try to hold on to whatever goodness/ positive attributes she may have given you that you'll carry throughout the rest of your life. I would also say to not be surprised if, at some moments, emotions about the loss of your mom hit you like a ton of bricks. When those moments come, allow yourself to give into the emotions. Cry, scream, swear, hit walls...whatever gets it out and lets you let go of the pain. My mom passed away 4 months ago from brain cancer (she was 56) and while I have generally been in a state of numbness since then, there are certain triggers that make me breakdown in tears unexpectedly. Having repressed my emotions while I was closeted (up until just over a year ago), repression is second nature to me. But, I'm learning that embracing the emotions when they hit helps alleviate at least some of the pain. Other than the advice above, I'm not sure what else to say...I'm still living day to day dealing with the loss. I had 3 months prior to my mom's death (while she was hospitalized) preparing for the fact that she was going to die, but it didn't prepare me for how hard her death has really affected me. The worst of the depression I felt has passed, but it's still hard to realize that she's gone and I can't actually talk to her anymore. My advice, in regards to that last remark, is to either find a place where you can talk to her "spirit" or talk with family/friends about her to keep the memories alive. Hang in there!(*hug*)
I think different people process it differently. Another piece for you is that it sounds like, with the hep-c and related health problems, you probably had at least some warning that the end was near, and that makes it a tiny bit less traumatic. When my mom died, I was close to your age (24) and had been caring for her for some time, so it wasn't a big surprise. I also didn't cry a tremendous amount, though I definitely had some pretty deep mood swings for a while. Given that it's only been 6 weeks or so, it's possible that you'll still have some deeper emotion come up. I think that's what happened for me. Or you may just process things differently. Or, it's also possible that you have learned to numb strong emotions (very, very common among LGBT people) and don't even realize it's happening. One thing I've heard many people say, and I think there's truth to it: The death of a parent isn't really something you "get over", it's more just something you learn to live with. I still think about my parents. I don't get a lot of grief at this point in thinking about them, but I still miss them. And I think, from what I've heard from many others, that those feelings are pretty common.
It's oddly comforting to hear that others have lost mothers around the same age-time as I have (my mom was 55). My sister and I had figured that our mom probably had cancer of some kind for awhile, and it was the uncertainty that was the most distressing. After coming out to her three years ago and hearing her negative/ignorant responses taught me that I am not responsible for my mom's emotions, and not to take on her troubles as my own (she came around eventually, after she asked a lot of questions and prayed about it). Knowing for certain what was wrong with her body was actually kind of a relief. She also accepted death very willingly, so there was not pain for me to take on from her. Blegh, I do not want to numb strong emotions anymore! I work so hard on not doing that. I'm sure strong emotions will come up (especially as I'm trying to move states and get a job), but I expect them to and want to process the feelings as they come. My dad lost his parents when he was eighteen, and I think he's been emotionally disengaged ever since. Now that his wife died, he's finally crying a lot more openly. I'm hoping to skip the thirty-seven years of being unable to feel sad.
Lost my son five years ago. Started a scholarship fund in his name but to be honest with you, the pain associated between the fund and his death is too much for me. I'd prefer to grieve in private and not be so public about it.
That's a large part of the battle, simply acknowledging it's something that you want to work on. I very strongly recommend getting Brené Brown's new book "Daring Greatly" when it comes out in a couple weeks. It deals more directly than her earlier books with men's issues, particularly the numbing behaviors that men have, and how we can take steps to reduce the numbing. "Gifts of Imperfection" is another one that speaks to a lot of the things we do to protect ourselves from vulnerability. And one other thing, from my own experience: This is something best worked on gently. There are therapists, workshops, and other things that will just plow in and blow open the emotional blockages, but most of the time, those aren't the best options. Usually, it's better to do it a little at a time, read about it, try to have real-life experiences that help you along, and just let it happen with a little help and gentle prodding.
My grandfather died almost exactly a year ago, and I keep mementos everywhere to remind me that a large part of who I am was because of his positive influence on my life. I have his keychain on, well, my keys, his photo on my dresser, his bolo tie on my computer screen, his filet knife in my car, flowers from his funeral in my car, shirts of his in my closet, deer horns (I do not like hunting) in my living room, and a whole bevy of other things that I am short on at the moment. I use his sayings everyday, I carry his love and sense of humor, I stick to his morals, and I treat people as equals. So much of my grandfather walks with me everyday, and although I can't call him to hear him laugh, I know what he would tell me if I had a question to ask. When I go fishing, I feel like he is right there fishing with me. I have dreams where we are having conversations on a boat, or dock while we fish. He is still very much a part of my everyday life. Now I have to go dry my tears. That is all.
Although I was only 2 when my mom died (ovarian cancer- she was 41), it's rare that a day goes by that I don't think about her. I only feel sad about it one day a year: on my birthday, I listen to the tape she made me, essentially saying goodbye. I cry without fail. I have a tattoo on my back for her. I've had many other friends and family members die in the intervening years, and quite honestly, I have a hard time feeling anything. Being in veterinary medicine, I see death on an almost daily basis and have therefore become numb to it. I don't think it's repression, I think I've just become hardened over the years. The only times I've ever cried over somebody's death is in the case of car accidents, when it was something totally unexpected and was not the ultimate end of suffering. It may sound harsh, but it's just the way I am.
First of all i'm so sorry about your mum. My dad died of cancer nearly two years ago, and as with your mum, he was accepting and everyone he loved was there, it was peaceful and a good death. I didn't cry when he went, or at the funeral, etc - but i think if you have known for a long time that their passing would be inevitable, you have already dealt with it beforehand and feeling calm about it doesn't necessarily mean you are repressing strong emotions. It is ok to be emotionally balanced! It is also ok to feel relieved when someone dies after a long illness - this was my main and immediate response. It is a relief for the person and a relief for everyone around them who had to care/watch. Then i felt a great sense of pride and privilege to have been part of his life - and like you and your mum, we didn't always have a great relationship, i spent a lot of my teenage years blaming him for things and not forgiving his personality flaws. But eventually i forgave him and we had a good few years as friends. That said, despite not feeling an overwhelming rush of grief at the time, i was pretty much comatose for about 6 months afterwards! I didn't have a job and had just moved cities so not much social life either, which didn't help, but i just sat in my flat knitting. At the time i wasn't unhappy or depressed particularly, but clearly i needed that time to grieve even if the process wasn't the wailing and gnashing of teeth type grieving. My point is, don't think you're doing it wrong. Everyone grieves in different ways, everyone remembers people they've lost in different ways. Personally i like to talk about my dad a lot, i have pictures of him and a jar of his ashes (and one of his titanium hips but that's just my strange sense of sentimentality!) all over the house. I always feel like he's still with me because i have so many great memories, and sometimes he comes to visit in my dreams! I still get sad sometimes but i don't think that ever goes away and why should it. It is early days for you so do not worry about how you feel, just do whatever is best for you to remember your mum and to deal with her passing. Many hugs.
