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Is He Gay?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by NoClue, Dec 8, 2012.

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  1. NoClue

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    Yes buckle up, another gay guy questioning his friend. I've tried to see if I can relate to others stories but its better to lay it out there.

    So theres this guy Ive known since high school, we werent really close, we had a couple of classes together, hung out like twice with others but werent close. We were friends on facebook for a couple of years but didnt really speak there either. Two years ago, he happen to comment on something I wrote on facebook and we started talking. We spoke all night. It progressed quickly from there, we started talking all night every day. He worked nights and me being foolish stayed up to talk to him. I have a habit for falling for str8 guys or having str8 guys fool around with me. I dont have any gay friends, most of my friends are str8 and guys. Im not masculine or feminine either. I think im in between. My mannerisms and what i say can give me away. Anyways, after 6 months of this, we decide to hang out. It was cool. He told me he broke up with his ex and that i was tue first he told which flattered me cuz he admitted hes not the type to open up to a lot of people. Eventually we started hanging out once a month as we both have busy schedules. He'd hit me up via txt or fb if he feels we havent spoken in awhile and id do the same. Sometimes id txt him when im out and drunk. I started catching feelings for him and didnt want to think anything was serious because i didnt want to fall for a str8 guy again . One time we got so drunk i txted him i love u when i got home. We never spoke of it again. He took me out for my bday and a girl hit on him but he focused on me. He said maybe i should say im your bf and shell leave us alone which i said no because i know my boundaries. I told him it was the best bday ever and he was very happy to hear that. There was a lot of touching of the hands that night but we never talked about it. Over time everytime we went out id drink and hed drink too. Another time we drank so much trying to iut drink each other. I walked him home and he put his arm around me. I t was summer so i was sweaty and i said you know im sweaty right? He replkied he didnt care. I freakoed out and left without saying bye which he called me out the next day. He drew pictures of me, we had some light touching or cute nicknames but i made sure never to flirt with him. When i tell him i broke up with ky ex and was having second thoughts he told me not to go back. When i tell him about the str8 guys who hit on me hed apways say why do they do that? Id always say if i knew i wouldnt be single. Ky best friend is str8 but we did kiss once. Whenever i tell him me and my best friend hung out he thinks were dating :eusa_doh:astonished:r would say my best friend likes me. When i told him i wanted to get in touch myiend from high school who hurt me hed get mad. We dont txt much or hang out much so its hard to tell if he likes.me or not. The only signs i get are touches, nicknames, jokes, him talking about sex with me, him noticing things like my mannerisms, what words i say a lot, my fear of turning old (im 25 and we have the ssme birth month), when im being defensive, how i get when im upset, he likes to say hes figured me out, hes joked that i liked hin which i always say i dont but how can i tell if hes a friend or he has some interest in me? Hes surrounded by a lot of girls and is dating one now. Ive told him about my dates and stuff as well so its hard to determine what this is. Weve had one fight in which i cut him off bc i thought he was telling ppl stuff ive told hik which resulted in him contacting me all week before i answered and he apoligized. Im very reserved and hes more extroverted which he likes to bring up. In some ways we have different thought processes, hes logical to my emotional but we generally have the same mindset.

    So looooooong story short, what is this? Everyone i talk to says he likes me but i dont want to get my hopes up. What do i do?
     
  2. awesomeyodais

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    Hmm, doesn't look to me like he's gay and hitting on you, but seems like a really cool guy and the makings of a really good friendship/"bromance" (which unfortunately often feels like torture for the gay one).
     
  3. NoClue

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    Thanks, I think that too but certain things he does, like our all night convos, complimenting my shirt, noticing im tired, sometimes we'd tell people or have had people say that we're a couple and always talking about sex which he knows makes me uncomfortable makes me wonder. My gaydar sucks btw, someone has to tell me their gay or be overtly effeminent for me to think that.
     
  4. Lance

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    It doesn't really sound like he's gay, although we have very limited info and aren't actually around the guy physically to see how he is, only you are. Have you tried maybe being slightly flirty with him or "pushing the envelope" a bit with certain things?
     
  5. Jonathan

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    I'm going to say what I always say in threads like these.

    Is there a possibility that those all night convos and how he acts around you means that the is gay? Yes.
    Is there a possibility that those all night convos and how he acts around you are just friendly gestures and he is straight? Yes.

    The only for sure way to know his sexuality would be for him to tell you it. You can analyze and try to figure out his sexuality, but that is all just speculation and guessing (which means you could end up being completely wrong). If you want to definitely know his sexuality and if he has any feelings for you, ask him. You don't have to specifically ask about you at first. I mean, you could start talking about a guy that you think is cute and then seriously ask him what he thinks about him (or if he would ever date him).
     
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  6. NoClue

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    Update: so Ive gotten into a relationship and hes still with the girl but we still hang out regularly. Recently, ive been confiding in him my relationship issues. He gives me sound advice but then changes it. He told me to give it time but then says if ure fed up, then break up. Everytime we habg out with friends we end up walking miles just talking. Hes brought me to a work function and ive met all of his friends. He told me thats a big deal as he doesnt mix his groups of friends and always tells me what they think of me (all positive things so far). Everytime we go out strabgers think we're a couple which ive told him and hell grab my hand or smile. Hes also been really touchy which im not. He sits on my lap or gives me massages, lean in when i talk (which is probably nothing as i tend to talk low) once we got invited to crash at a friends amd he said only if i get to sleep with (me). Once he was flirting with this girl at a club and everytime i went outside, hed look for me. The girl actually told me hey, hes looking for u or hell say whered u go? Later i thought i lost my debit card and he left her again to look with me. Hes danced on me or ruffle my hair. Weve held hands crossing the street, he comments on my clothes, he hates my other best friend (who is str8 but i made out with years ago) and tells me never to compare him to him cuz hes a douchebag. He remembers everything about me and even points out what i do with my face or my facial features. Hes also confided in me some secrets and told me that im lucky bc i know more than he tells other people. He also makes a lot of sexual remarks vc he knows i get uncomfortable with it. Again, everyone i told thinks he maybe questioning but im still confused. Hes vacationing soon and said hell give me his itinerary so i wont worry. I know i should he focused on my relationship but i still need to know.

    ---------- Post added 12th Oct 2013 at 11:59 AM ----------



    Agreed. I know he wont say it out right if hed date the guy or not. Hes very open minded but i think this is one of those things where he may like a person rather than identify with a label. He has caught me checking out guys and hed look too.
     
  7. ryanalexander61

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    Why don't you just talk to him about?
     
  8. resu

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    Yes, it seems you two are so close that it shouldn't be a big surprise if you came out to him. Then the ball would be in his court.
     
  9. XBallantine

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    Sorry if I missed this point, but are you openly gay? Or at least open to him? His actions 'could' be interpreted differently if he knows your orientation but is still acting the way he does, I.e sexual jokes, contact, with you.
     
  10. yep

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    This.

    Also, has he ever explicitly talked about his sexuality to you? Like have the words "I am straight" ever come out of his mouth?
     
  11. NoClue

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    Thanks for the replies...yes he knows. Weve been friends for years now and hes always known since high school because even though we didnt speak much back then, everyone at school knew. we joke frequently about it as he says im like a girl. The sexual jokes can be because he says im a prude. Everytime it happens he'll look at me and ill say anyways...

    Hes never said im straight but its an assumption as hes dated girls in the past and has a casual relationship with one currently.

    I dont want to tell him because firstly i want to confirm if its just me reading it wrong amd secondly, we both are close and i dont want to jepordize our friendship. Lastly, if its true, he should figure this out for himself. I dont want to pressure or force someone to realize their feelings or thoughts.

    Were in our 20s so this isnt like young love or me trying to figure myself out. Im just dense when it comes to these types of things.

    Sorry for the typos, im on my phone.
     
    #11 NoClue, Oct 12, 2013
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  12. NoClue

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    Another thing i forgot to mention, we once a couple of months ago went out and drank...somehow we ended up talking and i said something like a lot of people flirt with u and he says its pretty funny because i dont notice. So i said u have to notice it, its obvious. Then he replies well u like me. I started to panic and said no, why do u say that? And he said he wont answer. A couple passsed and asked if he could take a pic of them which he did. They then said if we wanted a pic and i said no thanks, i dont even like him. Later on, when i kept insisting he answer my question he said well its a hunch and besides u didnt deny it.

    The work function, meeting his friends, listening to his secrets, being hansy happened after that night.

    Recently he asked if i ever would move out of my parents and was very curious about the answer. He said he would whenever he can. (not that he cant, he just doesnt see a need to). Whenever i ask about his "girl" he'll dismiss it and just ask me about my relationship instead. In fact, he would sit and figure out the timelines of my stories, remembers the names of drinks ive had when we've gone out and as always we'd either stay til last call or walk hiurs just talking. (current walking record, 79 blocks in one night!)
     
    #12 NoClue, Oct 12, 2013
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  13. NoClue

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    Anyone? I know this story is long but its also too confusing for me to decipher alone...
     
  14. Yossarian

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    You are the openly gay guy in this whatever it is; you wouldn't be acting out of character if you plant a big kiss on him in the right situation to see what his reaction is, like when you have been drinking a little and are both not uptight, but not drunk either. He might surprise you, but he probably won't slug you since you are friends. It's time you find out what is going on with him, and you are going to have to take the lead and open the closet door. If it doesn't move the relationship forward, you can always blame it on the drinks.

    Geez, I sound like Dear Abby; sorry about that.
     
  15. NoClue

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    Thanks, i shall try that...i just dont want to misread this situation
     
  16. MrAllMonday

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    You need to ask him. Ask him in a polite manner because some men take offence when they are called gay. They thing they are less masculine if they are told they are gay or something along those lines.
     
  17. scanner007

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    Hey NoClue,
    So let me see if I have this right...
    You've known this guy for years and since you've reconnected you've gotten very close after he initiated contact with you by commenting on your facebook, fully knowing that you were gay. You both obviously act differently with each other than you do around other people. And during this time, you go out together, take long walks, hold hands, been handsy, he's given you a massage, sits on your lap, ignores girls to spend time with you, takes you out on your birthday, makes sexual jokes (presumably sexual jokes towards you--i.e. he flirts with you like crazy), dismisses talking about his girlfriend because he's got a hunch that you like him and aren't really interested in hearing about it, he introduces you to all his friends, tells you his deepest secrets, he puts his arm around you so he can hold you and doesn't care if you're sweaty, draws pictures of you, touches you, talks about sex with you, thinks up cute nicknames for you and when he does you wrong he will call you every day and do whatever it takes until you accept his apology and forgive him. Did I miss anything?

    Ok so with all that...what the heck do you do for him?
    He brings up sex, jokes around with you, flirts with you (presumably) and you shut down act all uncomfortable and won't talk, and just roll your eyes, flip your hair and say, "ANYWAYS!..."
    He flat out says that you like him and you deny it.
    Somebody asks to take a picture of you two together and you say that you don't even like him?
    He puts his arm around you and it freaks you out so much you run home without even saying goodnight?

    Geez, man if you don't like him I hope I run into him sometime, he sounds like a really sweet guy and a cool friend. I'd love to hang with him, gay or not.(ha ha Kidding) Seriously though, whats this guy gotta do? Slap you in the mouth with his tool? Serenade you outside your window completely naked with only a guitar? lol sorry still kidding.
    I just can't believe this, this story is a lot different from a story where you're gay and in the closet and hot for your straight best friend. He KNOWS your gay and does all that stuff. I think that means something. BUT!!!!! Still doesn't necessarily mean that he likes you in that way. Theres really only one way to find that out, you're gonna have to ask him.
    I think theres something you might wanna think about. You lucked out and got a cool friend. Whether or not he likes you in that way, it seems obvious from everything you wrote that he cares about you and you're a close friend to him. So even if it does turn out he's completely straight, I definitely wouldn't be quick to dismiss him, good friends are hard to come by. But all this kinda begs the question: If you guys are so close why don't you just talk to him about it.

    My own straight best friend, we prolly aren't anywhere near as close and "handsy" as you two are and yet we are close and have long intimate talks all the time and have broached that subject several times. Its natural, but needless to say, I won't be writing any steamy gay/straight best friend forum posts any time soon starring him, but I love him and respect him all the same, he's the brother I never had.

    I'm assuming here you actually want him, and you're not just curious if he's gay or not because honestly, its seems strange you wrote during your friendship with him that you've had at least two boyfriends. So it seems you're forward enough that you're not too shy to ask someone out, unless of course, they asked you out. But assuming you're not ultra shy, what is making it so hard to ask him a few simple questions? You said you go on these long walks and have these great talks, surely you can work it in somewhere?
    As I sideline, I'm also curious about your feelings on flirting. From your writing, you seem to act as if theres some unwritten rule about flirting with straight guys. I don't really get that, since I've been out I flirt and I'm uh "playful" with all my guy friends. I like it and they like it. I mean, these are all good friends who know me well, and its all in good fun. They know I'm half joking, half-serious. We both take it in the way it's intended. But hey a guy likes a compliment every now and then...feels good..no matter who pays it.
    Its sounds like you need some courage, maybe a few drinks to build that courage and some icebreakers so you can ask him whats up. Ima have to disagree with yossarian somewhat, I might joke around and play with all my str8 friends but a kiss is invading personal space and will get you a very black and white answer you might not want.
    You don't want black and white, you want your own version of 50 shades of grey.

    So make sure the setting is right. Both of you should be drinking, medium drunk and alone and in a private comfortable place, your place or his. Not outside, not public. Wait till you're having a long talk and then just work it in. I don't know what kind of person you are, myself I joke around a lot, I laugh a lot, and most of the time I'm only half serious so if I ask someone something uncomfortable like that and read their reaction and it seems like I might get a response that isn't gonna be gonna. Then I just kinda laugh it off or just shrug and say, "Oh well, Just a thought". So don't be serious about it, just be cool.

    Scenario #1
    Just say something like, "You know sometimes I wish you were Gay, I think you'd make an awesome boyfriend." watch his reaction, if he gets a look on his face like he just saw his dead grandmother then you can bail by shrugging and you say, "just sayin' you know ..no big deal" ---otherwise and if you have the CAH HOWN NAYS...slip in a "plus you're kinda cute" and a wink...really fast right at the end.
    And if that goes well, he might actually ask you why you think so...so be truthful...tell him how much you enjoy hanging with him and how much fun it'd be if there was more. And if you haven't paid him a small physical compliment yet, nows perfect time to work one in. Like his abs, eyes, big arms...whatever you like.
    Main thing is make sure he knows you like him as a friend and if it turns out you don't get the answer you want, make sure he knows that your friendship is important to you either way. (i.e. Well I was just sayin', didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I like hangin out with ya, I hope you don't feel too sketched out, etc ,etc)

    Scenario #2
    Wait for him to say something to you. Let him do one of those sexual jokes you say he does all the time toward you. And then you can be like, "Well I AM GAY YA KNOW, if you ever get the feeling like you might wanna swing for the other team, I can show ya how to bat" ..and again a playful wink...a smile..laugh! Keep it light. Let him know yer joking, but let him know you're not too. You do it right and you can easily disarm the situation that way, make it easier and more comfortable for both of you.

    I said pretty much that exact same thing with someone I liked. We'd both been drinking, he came over to watch youtube videos after the bar and we got to talking about sex. And then I got kinda horny and stupid and threw out a ...--If you ever wanna play, I'd totally be down for that-- Yep, after I said that room got so quiet, if there had been a grandfather clock in the room, it'd have stopped ticking for a good minute. Then the other guy, looked like he wanted to throw up, sweating, his nerves shot, told me he was gay too..five minutes later...we're both naked...so yeah and I had no idea, I'd known him for years, I had come out of the closet to my group of friends and he gradually started hanging with me a little more than he used to.

    So yeah if you're still awake after that long post, hopefully theres something in there that can help you out, give you some insight or maybe just the courage to do what you need to do. I see this thread is a year old so you've been pondering this for a long time. Life is short, don't waste it. Think about it awhile, theres a lot of ways to talk to someone that will make it less stressful for both you and get you an answer one way or another. If he really is a good friend and likes you the way you wrote he does, you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain either way because the worst he'll say is NO. He knows you're gay and you know that doesn't bother him and so he'll care enough about you not to let it ruin your friendship, plus you'll know where you stand with him and you can go on with a good friendship if nothing else.
    Good Luck Man - And if nothing else, if you like him, then next time the opportunity presents itself resolve yourself not flat out denying it.
     
    #17 scanner007, Oct 15, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2013
  18. davidon1998

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    I personally think that he is gay but I am not sure .. The only sure way to know is to come out to him !
     
  19. NoClue

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    @scanner007 thanks for the great well written post! I just came from hanging out with him tonight. :slight_smile: I'm not a pursuer. I punk out on these types of things. That coupled with previously falling in love with str8 guys, I've kinda been wary of treading these types of waters. He's called me a prude because I don't flirt back (though last week, we went out, I got drunk and kept touching his face to which he said ure lucky I let you do that, other people wouldve gotten punched in the face, I pointed out that he was ruffling my hair the whole night which he replied it doesnt count as the face). I'm a very funny guy but never make sexual jokes directed towards someone. Usually my dirty jokes are word play. Tonight, we went out, he didnt drink, I met his friends and we had a good time. We didnt sit next to each other but I did catch his looking at me the whole night. We were talking about drinks and he said his favorite drink is this drink I had gotten previously and priceeded to tell his friends about the time I got really drunk. One of his friends (a girl) was really flirty with him, touching him, leaning on him, caressing him, pretending to be drunk but it kind of made me happy to catch him looking at me. The topic turned to horoscope signs and he listened and looked at me when they read my sign. He then said that he agreed when it said people of my sign have a big problem trusting and that I am like that. We didn't walk much, just 8 blocks or so and I went home. He was sick and I had came there str8 from work. The funny thing is the past 2 days he's been calling me by my real name. He's always called me by a nickname. I asked him how come he didn't respond to a message I wrote him over the weekend and he said well last time u didnt like my response (it was "<3") and i responded with "ew".

    Tonight he mentioned he liked my sweater (last week he liked my shoes, and hes not the type of guy whos into clothes. I'm not either, I dress ok.), he mentioned he ate vietnamese food which i introduced him to and he still think the resturant I took him to, 2 years ago was the best, and when cooking came up (he knows I cook all the time) he said he likes to cook and will cook more often when he moves out. And we shared an appitizer and kept embarassing each other all night. I've never met his friends before tonight except two of them which was a couple of months ago.

    Obviously I am overcompensating by blatantly shutting him down because I don't want him to know I like him. He knows I dont make the first move. And I really value our friendship. Its been 3 years being close and 8 years overall. I hope one day we both muster up the courage to come out and say our true feelings to each other (if indeed he does like me).

    I must add that I've had one boyfriend. We broke up many times over the years and got back together. He always told me to dont get back with my bf but my gut instinct told me to give it another go. Everything is fine between us but the last couple of months has been rocky. Ironically the last couple of months me & my friend have hung out more & more (his intiation).My friend always told me to talk to my bf and wait it out instead of throwing in the towel. However, last week when I told him I was taking hos advoce & going to wait it out, he said well if you feel like ure fed up then break up, dont wait around. It struck me as weird being that hes always told me to hang in there and now hes changing his tune. In addition, remember he also has a gf.
     
    #19 NoClue, Oct 15, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2013
  20. scanner007

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    NoClue,
    OMG. ew? EW! Really?! EW? That poor, sweet prince charming of yours sent you a heart and you said, "EW".
    :::face palm::: :::sigh:::
    What are you gonna do if he leans over and kisses you one night? Slap him in the face and punch him in the nuts? LOL dude OMG
    I mean- if he does happen to be having any gay feelings himself, and he's still deep in the closet about it...and his gay friend shuts him down with an "EW" ...he's gonna need nerves of steel. Ok ok enough I'm sorry...I just ..wow ..you know I edited my last post with that last line after I said GOOD LUCK for this very reason. Cause I figured at least if you don't say something negative when something like this happens, even if it leaves an awkward silence ...still better than EW. OMG again I'm sorry ..but I actually read your post and then I had to get away from the computer for a little while. Went outside for a smoke...the whole time I was just kept saying "EW" to myself....its got me dumbfounded.

    lol anyways..,.

    BTW - thanks for complimenting my post. I hope it helps. No I guess you aren't a pursuer, but then you know, neither am I, by a long shot. I'm overweight, Im in my mid-thirties, a night home on a comfortable chair with netflix sounds a lot better most of the time than strobe lights and crowds at a bar. But you know sometimes getting someone is all about the personality you project. Ever heard the expression: "You can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first"? Sometimes if you want something, you gotta go after it, you can't wait for it to come to you.
    And please ...pretend someone else has control of your hand and text your friend right now..RIGHT NOW...and Say, "I'm sorry I said EW to your <3, I didn't mean it, you're sweet."

    ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 12:27 AM ----------

    Okay ..so he DOES flirt with you then? You need to flirt back. If you ever want him, you gotta flirt back. It doesn't have to be scary, just have fun with it, make it funny, make it a half joke. And you know what, who cares if you crush on a str8 guy every now and then? At least you're putting yourself out there and trying, thats important. Hell I'd even sling one of my str8 friends a no-strings-attached-dont-have-to-be-gay-back-to-me "freebie" BJ every once in a while. Not slutty, just fun ;D lol
     
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