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Is it worth it to break family tradition?[long]

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by kunglaomksm, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. kunglaomksm

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    This past weeks(the holidays) I've come to be reunited to my uncles and aunties(my mom's and dad's brothers and sisters) and my cousins that I haven't seen in a while. Through our interactions, they all just assume that after I graduate(I'm graduating next year) I'll get some decent job, found some girl and get married and finally give my parents the daughter they never had(we are 3 brothers, and I'm the eldest). In the past, I would just smile and nod and agree to what they are saying but these days, I feel... I don't know... brave. It's like I feel saying "But I'm gay, how could that happen?" but no, I
    just shut up and respect my parents' wishes.

    Let me explain. I first came out to my mom then to my dad. They both said that I shouldn't come out yet and wait for me to graduate and have a good job to finally come out and do what I want to do. My initial reaction of course was to get angry to them. It's like I finally have the guts to finally came out of the closet then they just said to just stay there until it's the right time. Of course, I became depressed after that and I flunked most of my classes because of that. My parents noticed that of course, but they can't do anything about it because they don't know how I feel. But long story short, I got over it. :thumbsup:

    So these past few days I got thinking that nobody in our family is openly gay and living the gay life(you know what I mean). Here in our country, homosexual relationships are not taboo. But the thing is most openly gays here are the stereotypes. Like an effeminate gays(drag queens?? I 'm not sure what to call them) only have relationships with straight acting gays(like in a woman-man relationship). I mean most of the people here in my country are... kinda... ignorant to these kind of things. Even I am confused. It's like this:
    *In my country a bisexual is a guy who is 'straight acting' but have relationship with gays(read my description below)
    *In my country gays are the effeminate guys(the ones wearing dresses, makeup and acting all feminine). If you don't act effeminate, you're not gay, you're bisexual.
    *It doesn't always work that way it's common notion about gay life.

    So what I'm trying to say is I want to change the notion of gay life in my family's mind. My plan is to break the family tradition and to live a gay life and marry a guy(hopefully). Then I realized that I may be the only open gay guy in our family and it may pressure my family to come out with me also. I mean my mom have a network of friends(which I'm pretty sure will be supportive and a source of gossip cause I heard them talk about women stuff including the gays and lesbian stuff). My dad is a different story though because he's the image of a 'macho man'. You know talking about dating girls and stuff to my youngest brother because he was the only one with the girlfriend in the three of us(I'm not sure about my middle brother, I think he's asexual??). If I came out, he will be the dad of a gay son and it could ruin his macho image(I think). And to my two brothers, I don't know why, but I don't have the guts to tell them because in the three of us I'm the odd one and they're closer to each other but in the back of my mind they'll just shrug it off.

    It's kinda exciting and scary at the same time but do you guys think It will be worth it? I mean I'm sure I'll be labeled as the gay uncle in the family and I'm just scared that most of my aunts and uncles(especially on my Dad's side) will criticize me and will tell me that I should just a marry a girl and have a family just like the rest of them but I guess I could live with that/

    I know I'm an overthinker but I don't exactly know how to live a gay life because I grew up expecting I'm gonna marry a girl and have kids. But now I think I'm gonna create my own gay life. I guess I just need some advice regarding this cause I'm not sure if it's worth it or not.
     
  2. Hexagon

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    Its worth it. What else is life for, other than to be happy, do good and be yourself?
     
  3. kunglaomksm

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    What concerns me is that how do you cope with people who are ignorant about being gay? I mean I even got mad at one of my high school friends for teasing me(in a good way but I didn't know that at that time) that I'm some kind of mermaid(there's this famous song here in our country about the coming out of a guy and he calls himself a mermaid cause he has the mind of a girl as the song says). But in the end I apologized and realized he was just teasing.
    So what bothers me is what if my own family criticizes me then I got all defensive and mad again?
     
  4. Incognito10

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    One of the key things you mentioned in your post that will work in your favor is that you said being gay is not taboo in your country. I think that is very positive and should lessen any fears of judgement or rejection. As far as the stereotypes are concerned, you can break those by just being who you are and your family will see that. Also, are you really certain no one else in your family is gay? Perhaps they're just not out either.

    I certainly understand your situation as I am not out to everyone either; however, I am beginning to view staying in the closet to certain people and family members as an act of cowardness. Really, at this point of my life and with the ever increasing presence and "normalization" (for lack of a better word) of gay people in most socieities, it seems that my staying in the closet is equivalent to me saying, "I am ashamed of myself" or "being gay is something shameful that should be hidden." I find it to be very negative for my self esteem. You ask, "is it worth it?" I would say, "yes," it is your life and it is important to be content. Hiding in the closet is hard...I know as I am still not out to everyone.
     
  5. kunglaomksm

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    And I forgot to mention that gays here(even the effeminate ones) get married to a woman and have kids. I don't know how they did that but yeah it happens. Even my batch mate in high school who I thought is 100% gay now has a one year old kid of his own. And I even remembered a friend of mine(a girl) that I should find a woman who will understand that I'm gay and just go on with it. I don't know if that's a better way or the worse way of living my life, I don't really know cause I've never had a relationship before. GOD! Now I'm having second thoughts again.
    I know I said that gay relationships are not taboo here, but it's very rare here that they get committed to each other or begin to live together. It's like the gays I know remain single or have a child of their own or get married to a woman. I mean it's like everything I know about being gay is totally different here in our country. Heck, even topics about gay marriage here never appears in the news cause its never happening(It's because we're a Christian country I think).
     
  6. Incognito10

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    Maybe you could do a search for a community support group for like-minded people. As you said, it sounds like it is probably just people afraid to break family tradition. In the US, there seems to be a lot of gay people who commit long-term, live together, get married (if legal in their specific state) and adopt children.
     
    #6 Incognito10, Jan 9, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2013
  7. jimL

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    Go with your heart. Be who you are. Forget what the family will think.....that's what I did and I wasted my whole life not being happy. DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID. PLEASE!