Please help me, I don't know what to do. :(

Maybe talk to him in private first. Apologize. Tell him you were a sorry scared selfish chickenshit or what ever feels right. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you're sorry. Tell him what you've told us. I wish you the sincerest best of luck because you have experienced something I never have. Much love, prayer, and good thoughts I send to you.

 

First of all DON'T BLAME YOURSELF! Consider your "running away" as a breather for you because the situation got really intense right? Any sane person would do the same thing considering that the person he is really into is getting married and at the very last minute sent a message "I love you". What was THAT about? What does he consider "love" with you as?

Let's face it, some guys have sex with other guys that they trust (No T No Shade) for the sake of releasing hormones. When the intercourse happened, you guys were much younger right? So...

The issue now is on how you can overcome this longing confusion with that touch of guilt.

You have to meet him ASAP and trash things out and I really mean trash things out in a gentleman's way that is.

Yes, the initial tinkling feeling when meeting him, looking into his eyes, hearing his voice will deviate from the issues that you need to settle on but remind yourself that it is an URGENT MATTER, i.e. LIFE AND MENTAL/EMOTIONAL DEATH

You need to ask him:

1) Why did you marry someone else when you loved me?

2) So is the love that we had basically bromance with benefits?

3) How about religion? Is religion the main reason why you did not persue OUR relationship?

I want to digress abit and just say on the religious aspect. If he touches on that part and he is pious enough to forgo the relationship with you earlier which is why he got married then just MOVE ON. Even if he confess that he wants to be with you forever and will love you unconditionally, the back of his brain will still flash the big word "SIN" and that will EAT HIS MIND over time. You don't need this kind of drama so MOVE ON. Rather sticky but don't risk it.

In the meantime, go find that special someone ELSE. Stop expecting for this guy + you = happily ever after because Someone Else IS out there just waiting to be discovered by you. Don't get tied with the old physical emotions becuase it is very tiring.

Bottomline, tell yourself that you are a COMPLETE PACKAGE and NOT JUST BENEFIT.

Hope my input helps!

 

My congratulations for your force and I really wish all the best to you including good luck
I've never lived nothing like that... It seems to me you don't want to stay in the closet although you're frightened about how to deal with your past experiences with your friends, family and specially with your love... I think you don't have to blame yourself! And your decision about talk or not with your family about your homossexuality now depends on how confortable you feel yourself about being gay...
I came out of the closet last year and the books have helped me a lot during that process...A phrase from Oscar Wilde was decisive in my decision. He wrote in "De Profundis": "To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul."
It was just when I read it that I realised how I was denying my own feelings and experiences and because of that I was not living!
I think you don't have to say your whole story with your friend just in one time (or just in one trying) for your family and friends... I had prepared my family one year earlier, having ocasional conversations about gay people and I studied how they reacted with that, what were their fears about it, etc...
but I know that things are never as predictable in life, in practice, everything will depend on your own analysis of the situation ... Perhaps the first thing to do is to go to your hometown and look around, analyze the situation, talk to your friend and apologize to him without necessarily requiring an immediate decision from him....
My best wishes!!!!

 

Hooo-boy. I'll be honest with you, I'm not really sure how anyone would deal with the situation you're faced with here. But here's my best guess/gut reaction based on reading your initial post and replies several times and pondering until my ponderer is sore.

a) You owe Nick an apology, that's for sure. Regardless of anything else, you owe him that.

b) Realize that he is under no obligation to accept your apology. I know that's hard, and I really really hope he does, because reading about your situation is already incredibly sad and depressing the hell out of me and I don't even want to think about this possible outcome. But there it is. Not a pleasant thought, but something you need to be prepared for. As well that even if he is prepared to forgive you to some degree now, that doesn't mean that things just instantly go back to being fine and dandy. He may need time (and more conversation and visits with you) before he is prepared to let you back into his life or trust you again.

c) I totally agree with what others have already said about telling him what you've told us here. Groveling would probably also be good. Lots of groveling. Although I suspect you already know that.

d) If it were possible to reach out to him in writing before you ever got there, I would say that would almost be better. Give him time to prepare to see you again. Because I suspect it will be a bit of a shock. But that doesn't appear to be in the cards given the travel plans you indicated.

e) You also (probably) hurt your mutual friends when you took off. Presumably they liked you too (although obviously in a different way) and you simply cutting off all contact (especially in this day and age of pervasive communications) likely left a lot of them feeling hurt and betrayed and confused. I know your main focus at this point is probably Nick, but while you're there you'll likely run into some other people who will want to have a word with you. Or several. Be prepared to take some (metaphorical I hope) lumps and do a lot of apologizing.

f) If you and Nick are able to get back together (and I really hope you are), he is likely to have some trust issues where you are concerned for quite some time afterward. Be prepared to put in a lot of work to heal those issues moving forward.

g) I believe you indicated that you had at least some small amount of contact with your parents over the last two years. Have they ever given any indication of what Nick has been up to in this time? Anything about his behavior or the like? This might help you at least avoid meeting him while totally 'flying blind'. Just wondering.

That's it I guess. I really don't have a good sense about how this might work out (not that I realistically should since I don't know you beyond what I've learned in just one post), but I hope the above helps in some small way. I know you're probably nervous and scared and excited and who knows what else. And know that the folks here are a great bunch and are always around to talk if and when you need to.

Ok, not quite it. Two final thoughts that just occurred. Hopefully both will be...hopeful:

First, while it's not the exact same as your situation, I was once in a sorta relationship a long time ago that had similar elements to what you describe. We met in college, became really really good friends and then started to become more than that. And then he told me that we couldn't be more than that (even though he really wanted us to) because his faith said that being gay was a sin and he couldn't do that. By the time the dust settled, he had moved out, first across town, then we fell out of touch, then I found out he moved out of the state. A lot of years (way more than two) later, I ended up in VA and with my partner. And one day I got an email from him asking if I was the Todd he had known from back in the day, etc. Eventually we talked on the phone (I had already told my partner about all this years before and told him all about this when it happened as well, in case you're wondering). While we had both moved on with our lives, we had an amicable conversation and I was able to honestly say I wished him well. We exchanged Xmas cards for a few years and have since fallen out of touch but I still think about him sometimes (he's come to accept himself now and is dating guys last I heard) and I always wish him well.

I hope that you and Nick are able to reconnect and do far more than just wish each other well.

Second, there's an old saying: Home is where, when you have nowhere else to go, they have to take you in.

Here's hoping that turns out to be a truism.

Take care,

Todd

 

Various thoughts here...

a) If you do end up sending him a letter, your earlier statements re skywriting and being prepared to move back to grovel more fully certainly pulled at *my* heartstrings, and I don't even know you.

b) Working at an animal shelter, cleaning barns, etc. is actually a lot better than some of the possibilities I can imagine. Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and a general lack of interest in things like food or personal hygiene all come to mind. Maybe some cause for a bit of hope there.

c) Thinking on it, it might be better to try and resolve (or at least start to resolve) your issue with him before going and coming out to your family/community in a way that pulls him into it as well. At least until/unless he's prepared for that. You've already made one major life decision that impacted him without talking to him about it. I'd advise avoiding another. If you feel you *must* come out to people now and he's not on board with it, then aim to do it in such a way that doesn't bring his involvement into it. You don't have the right to out him if he's not ready for that.

d) Finally, it occurs to me that something that's been lacking in the discussion so far is an acknowledgement that the last two years probably haven't been a picnic for you either. You hurt a lot of people but in the process I'm sure you also hurt yourself. Lots of heartache and sleepless nights you haven't talked about, I suspect.

So...BIG imaginary hug and wishing you the best of luck in this. I *really* hope it all works out for the best.

Keep us posted, and if you need to talk, there's lots of folks here willing to listen.

Todd

 

Hmm. You've indicated/implied/flat out stated several times now that you left to protect Nick from being associated with you.

What is this 'extra bullshit' that you feel (or felt at the time) goes with being with you?

Just trying to get some clarification here.

Todd

 

Putting on my editor's hat. Don't try this at home kids, I am a professional. No really, I actually proofread and edit documents as part of my job.

Suggest changing the last sentence to "I am lost without you." It fits better with the previous sentence IMHO.

Suggest changing this to:

"I don't expect you to accept my apology based on one visit, but I want you to know that if you'll even consider forgiving me a little, I am prepared to move back home in order to grovel my way back into your good graces on a daily basis."

"I'd have you know..." is very charming and traditional and Southern gentleman-like but also a little bit hard to understand (at least to me). The exception to this is if you normally talk this way (I'm up here in Va. so barely on the edge of the South) and he is used to you using that turn of phrase and it's natural for you. In that case keep it.

Should be "...I'll spend two years for every week..."

Wow. Very nicely done, sir. A very powerful and heartfelt letter. I really really hope you guys are able to get back together.

Sincerely,

Todd

 

Touched by your story. I truly hope things go well

 

Wanted to reply to this earlier, but didn't have time and then wanted to provide feedback to your letter since that's probably the higher priority at this point. That now being done...

Hmm. I went back and reread your original post. You said that the first time he made a pass at you, you thought he was going to hit you. It gave the impression that he was the one who took your relationship beyond the level of 'just friends' and/or escalated things beyond 'just making out'. Also based on what you wrote, he chose to put his arms around you as you washed dishes, and he chose to say 'I love you' in his last message (did you both say that to each other on a regular basis or was that the first time that was said?). I also got the impression that somewhere along the line he had chosen to be monogamous with you. Meaning he didn't want those girls.

Assuming I'm understanding correctly, that sounds to me like he was choosing to have a relationship with you despite any potential negatives that could come with it and even though it might have seemed 'easier' to just sleep with women.

Ok, that probably doesn't make you feel great, and I'm certainly not attacking you or taking you to task on this issue or anything like that. And it sounds like you've done a lot of growing since this all happened, or we probably wouldn't be having this conversation. But just sayin.

On a rather happier note, and considering the issue of being able to show affection for each other in public....

That rather depends on where and when you are. It's true that the day where two guys can just walk down the street holding hands or hug in public, or kiss each other at the entrance to the mall and say 'Ok, see you back here in two hours' or do all the other stuff straight couples do without a second thought is not here yet. But there are actually quite a few places where you can show physical affection and at worst no one will care and at best they will applaud, make comments on what a cute couple you are, and perhaps feel insanely jealous because you two found each other and when will they find their special someone. These include, but are not limited to:

Gay bars - bars seem to have a bit of a bad rep sometimes, but they can be great fun to go to, whether to hang out with friends, dance, drink, play pool, or whatever. The main trick is to find a bar that has a good vibe and fits what you like to do. Bigger cities are going to have more options in that regard, from dance clubs, to pool bars or sports bars, to places to just quietly socialize. There's always places that are pretty much blatant meat markets (although really, a lot of straight bars fit that mold too) but nothing says you have to hang out at those places.

Pride Events - A lot of big cities (including Nashville, and I'm sure several places in Texas since you mentioned those states specifically) have Pride events (parades are the most well-known examples, but in the SW and maybe parts of the S, rodeos are also popular). Wall-to-wall LGBT folks at the larger ones and no one is going to care if you want to hold his hand or wrap your arms around him (or vice-versa). Ok, maybe some bottom-feeders from Westboro Fascist Church or something, but really they're sort of like the ants at a picnic. Ignore em (or, if you've a mind to, get someone to take a picture of you kissing in front of em) and enjoy yourself.

Cruises - Gay cruises are run by the same lines that do straight cruises and probably use the same ships. Never actually done one (although my partner and I have done two straight cruises with his family), but if they're like the straight versions you can pretty much depend on a week to 10 days of being on a floating hotel whose entire staff is dedicated to you having a good time. Sun, fun, great food, dancing, pools, hot tubs, various shore excursions, rock climbing, snorkling and scuba, waverider surfing, etc. etc. I wouldn't recommend Carnival (not just for the reasons making the news recently) but Royal Caribbean is very nice. Hint: If doing a tropical cruise, splurge for the room with the little balcony. It's so worth it.

Resorts, B&Bs, etc - These are all over the country and range from 'gay friendly' (meaning they are fine with you sharing a room/bed with someone of the same sex, although straight people will probably be around as well) to explicitly for LGBT people only. My partner and I stayed as a gay friendly B&B some years ago (and came back the next year with some straight friends who had heard us rave about it).

(and perhaps most importantly): In your own home (or someone else's home) surrounded by friends who know and accept you the way you are. They may be LGBT friends or cool straight friends. But they won't care if you want to do PDA and they'll fight like demons if anybody gives you crap.

For that matter, in this day and age there's no objective reason why you couldn't ultimately show your affection in the ultimate way our society expresses such things: With a ceremony (with rings and cake and all the other stuff that people spend six months to a year going insane putting together all so they can spend an afternoon having an party) . Depending on how wedded you are (Ha! A pun) to the idea of governmental recognition of such things, this could involve a bit of travel but even in the South, with the right friends and a friendly official from the right church, there's no reason that the whole traditional ceremony thing couldn't happen for you (even if it's not officially recognized by the powers that be).

Ok, so I'm afraid I might have brought you down with the earlier stuff about your friend, and I'm trying to cheer you up and probably telling you more about penguins than you wanna know (as my dad used to say). Sorry

Little hurts (and not so little hurts) are part of being alive no matter what your orientation is. The best way to deal with them is to have someone there to share the pain, hold you close, and then pick you up so you can go on with life. IMHO.

More often than not, doing the right thing isn't the safer course of action. Doesn't make it any less right, though. I know that's not really helpful when considering the situation with your family and I sympathize. But do you think its a good thing for him (and you for that matter, you said you dated women at one point too) to just live a lie and in pain for the rest of your lives for the sake of the emotional complacency of some of the other people around you? Even if it's 'safer'?

On a more general note, based on much of what I've read on EC and elsewhere, even really hardcore parents/family can sometimes surprise you. It may take them a little while, but sometimes they come around. Or even make much less of a big deal about it than one might have thought they would when its their flesh-and-blood/someone they know and love instead of just some abstract concept of 'those people'.

Amen to that. Most definitely, amen to that.

Todd

 

This part got to me - I was prepared for my parents to disown me when I came out as well, for the exact same reasons.

However, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. What happened instead was unconditional love and support, despite what their religious beliefs inform them. Really, all a good parent wants is what makes their child happy. And if being with your best friend makes you happy, which it seems that it does in a very big way, then that's what they should want for you. Not saying that it will be all roses like it was for me, but while preparing for the worst, you should also hope for the best .I wasn't, and when the best came it was entirely unexpected.

 

Dude I really really hope everything works out for you. I'm really captivated by your story. I hope it works out, both of you sound like you deserve to be happy.

 

I really hope you can pull it off! I am praying for your good fortune with Nick. My Nick was named James. We never had the sex part, but he was my best friend during my late teens till mid twentys. When my partner died when I was 24 he corted me and I pushed him off on my sister's friend Angie to "save him". Worst mistake of my life so far. Angie ended our friendship and moved him out of town once she found out we were still seeing eachother durring lunch hours. My hart still aches for him 16 years later. Last Christmas I found his cousin Mable on Facebook and Mable thought I was dead. He had been told that by Angie. Mable told me he loved me and never got over me. I hear he ended up in a gay relationship anyway and is disowned by his family. So I saved him from nothing and worse I hear Angie ruined his life for years through their child. I know we would have lived happily ever after. It took me 16 years to fineally get a good man and find happiness. If it does not work with Nick you can still get a good man. I did, but you will never forget him. So go get him if you can! June