So I went on this gay hookup site (which i really nowadays browse to just chat, only "hooked up" once using it, and normally not interested in that), and saw that there was a guy my age within half a mile radius of me. I was quite astounded, because I lived in a fairly quiet far-off suburb of Seattle where the demographics are mostly of retired folks, much less youthful liberal people who might be queer. So I was taken aback a little, and messaged him... he didn't have a profile pic since he's "very discreet" and afraid for his privacy. But he did reveal which street he lives on, and now I'm in total shock... I think it's this classmate (who fits all the criteria so far) I had from kindergarten all the way through highs chool. :eek: I never mentioned this to him on the site (since i feared creeping him out), and he deleted his account on that gay site after i proposed we meet up and chat "since we're neighbors." But now my curiosity is getting the better of me, and I couldn't help but send a Facebook Friend request to the person deeply I SUSPECT is this guy. I mean, he fits the age, height, hair color, and street (within 300 feet) of where I know this classmate lived/still lives today. So I'm like 90% confident it's him... Have I gone too far, if it's actually him? Would I creep him out, even though it's not my intent at all? I really don't know why this is now lodged in my mind. ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 11:24 PM ---------- The reason I'm 90% and not 99% confident is that his profile picture on facebook is of him posing with a cute girl, and there's not a single milligram of gayness to him, as far as I'm concerned. Of course appearances can be deceptive... But still. ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 11:25 PM ---------- Pardon the typos and horrible grammar.. My brain isn't working properly at the moment lol.
Sometimes I get worked into these obsessive ideas too so I can totally relate. Usually it is never what I think so maybe just prepare for that. Also when I get all worked up I tend to ooze this idea that I have been obsessed...and I wish I could just chill. I am not saying you are oozing obsessiveness...can't tell through typing But let's say it is him and he freaked and deleted his account and then got a friend request. You can still play this out in a non creepy way. I always try my best to put myself in their shoes. If some guy approached you on a hookup site that you were on...mentioned you were neighbors...you freaked...then he found you on fb and just wanted to add you as a friend...it is still open that if he adds you you can play it a little cool. The other thing that, in my case, always ends up happening...what I didn't expect. Maybe he isn't the same guy and now you added this other guy. How can you play so cool that if it is either what you do or say is ...ummm...not obsessive or creepy sounding. Haha Like maybe just send a message like, "Hey haven't spoke in awhile. How are you?"And keep the same pace he sets. It is late tho and maybe I am half asleep and not making sense...
Hello, You will find out soon enough so relax. You are still within the bounds of normal curiosity. Look at all the middle aged, married, gay men on this site and you can see how deep denial can drive a closeted gay man. I hope it is much more than a simple hook up for you. Keep an open mind. Stuck
Well if it's him , there's absolutely no chance of hooking up since he's not my type at all. I just want to have him as a friend/ someone to talk to.
It's ok to creep every now and then. We all do it. I really don't have any good tips on how to approach him though. I guess you could try to look for some signs if you see him on a regular basis. I mean, I am pretty sure when I see a gay guy out i public. You get like a special look and you just know. Look for those things.
Update: he accepted my Facebook friend request. I glimpsed a few shirtless photos that quite thoroughly match the headless pics I was sent by that mysterious account on the gay site. So I guess it's him, but I'm still in disbelief because his Facebook profile says he likes women, and there's not a single shred of queerness on there. Knowing my former self, I know that means nothing, but I can't get over how shockingly "unreal" it all seems. So where do I go with this now? I kind of want to talk to him, and make it known that I'm not interested in anything beyond being a platonic friend, but I don't know where to start... Suggestions? I mean he lives just a few blocks down the street from me, so I could propose to hang out at the beach or a coffee shop nearby, but it would be totally random and out of the blue.. And considering that he probably knows everything about me now too. (since my face pictures on the gay site were out in the open) ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 10:10 AM ---------- And even though his shirtless Facebook pics match the headless photos on the gay site, my mind isn't totally there yet in believing it's him. Funny how that is.. But I'd still feel a bit nervous messaging him on Facebook, even though i have no intention, much less desire, of getting in his pants. ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 10:12 AM ---------- On a regular basis? Hmm, we haven't interacted or spoken in the last 6 years, and he was never my friend or acquaintance to begin with. Just a classmate... He does have some photos on facebook where you can see some kind of teary tenderness in his eyes, and sort of a gay smile, but he's bulked up and posing with his straight buddies who play poker and have tats. The only way I can "approach" him, despite how damn close we live to each other, without coming off as a stalker, is to send him a facebook message... unless he sends me one first. But I dont know where to start.
Since your friended one another on Facebook (and not the hookup site) it would probably be safe to just start on the basis that you were both classmates all through school and want to catch up with what has happened since. Meeting for coffee is pretty safe. Because you want to keep the relationship platonic I don't see any reason to ever mention that you recognized him from the hookup site. If he ever brings it up, it gives you more in common to talk about, but that doesn't mean it has to turn into a hookup. Longtime classmates can remain longtime friends with an arms length distance kept between you.
The other thing that still makes me doubt without any real logic is that he's the oldest of 4 brothers. That would be very unusual for a gay guy. ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 10:17 AM ---------- Ok, good. Thanks. :icon_bigg But of course at some point I want to talk about our sexuality and how it feels to be closeted and such... It's that we're supposedly both in the same boat (well, he's probably pretty damn closeted, whereas I'm almost out of the closet) that would lend something to talk about. We don't have any shared interests otherwise. He's into hunting wild game, cars, skiing, poker and TV shows that I dont like at all. We're about as different as you can get...
When I want to talk to someone but is to afraid to start a conversation I usually send a personal message like it was supposed to be to another friend, but you send it to them instead like an "accident". Then try to hold the conversation up... I guess it doesn't always work, but I have found it a good way to start talking to people. Write something weird to make them interested. ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 07:22 PM ---------- Why is that?
I dont know, it just doesn't seem to add up. ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 10:26 AM ---------- Also on the gay site it said that he's looking for a relationship, not just sex. But on his Facebook profile pic he's already posed with a girl (presumably his GF, although his Facebook doesn't state whether he's single or in a relationship). Scratching my head.. ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 10:44 AM ---------- And is there a possibility he'd try to deny it's him if I brought it up during a conversation? Since he accepted my Facebook request at least I think he's open to meeting up, even though he's afraid of compromising his secret.
I mean if you all have absolutely nothing in common, and were never friends, maybe it's better you let it be?
Maybe it's not worth building a friendship with him. The ball's in his court. I won't impose anything on him since I respect his discretion. If he ever wants to initiate the discussion, he can always message me on Facebook. I guess I'll leave it at that. ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2013 at 10:44 PM ---------- So a few moments ago I logged into that gay site, and saw that there was a very similar user (also picture-less) within half a mile radius, and had the same stats as him. I deduced that this was likely a new alias he had chosen to seek out new exploits. (oh well, it's his life, im not going to intrude). I did however decide to say "hi" again, followed by "i know it's not easy to be in your position, but if you ever want to talk, im here for you.. sorry that i came onto you here too fast in your past account, i have no ulterior motives other than talking about these issues with someone in the same boat." he then sent a defensive reply along the lines of, "why do you keep messaging me? I didnt get your previous messages, and how do you know what position im in"? Right after that, he blocked me. But the guy who I think is him on Facebook hasn't removed me from his friends list yet. If he does, I guess I wont blame him. But I have no desire to spread rumours or tell anyone. I just wanted to have someone confide my issues with who lived so close by and was the same age (and who was my classmate for so many years). But that's that, oh well... I hope he gets through whatever he is struggling with, and that he feels more comfortable with himself. Am I a horrible person for being so inquisitive? I wasn't stalking him or anything. And I never sent him any messages on Facebook (before or after adding him as a friend on there), and dont plan to. We're still Facebook friends though. Doubt he'll ever reach out to me now.
Man, sorry to hear it worked out that way. Maybe it's not the same guy. Though I was surprised too when you said he was the oldest of four brothers. If anything wouldn't this make him more likely to be pressured into remaining closeted? I guess speculation doesn't really matter at this point, but I was curious too why you said that. Well, he can always contact you if he wants. I find it odd he acted so defensively to your comment which seemed pretty straightforward. Ah well! His loss!
I'm 99% positive it was a new alias by the same guy on that gay site. all his stat details remained the same, save for his height and hair color (which were copied from mine, lol) everything else was the same, word for word, including the distance from me on the site's approximator. ---------- Post added 28th Feb 2013 at 12:46 AM ---------- He was also one of the guys who gave me a hard time back in grade school. But not that it matters, it was eons ago.
Yeah, no, I think you should pull back now, and not contact him again. The fact that he blocked you so quickly after that completely fine message you sent him kind of shows that the thought of anyone in "near radius" to him knowing about his status and sexuality obviously scares him a bit. I understand that you would like someone to talk to, that live close to you for that reason, but for him, the same reason is why he seems to not want to get in touch or talk. At least that is what seems the most logical after reading this. It might be his loss, but we all have our comfort zones, and talking to someone who might actually know who he is from the past, who might know other people who knows him, that is scary for a lot of people in the closet, and way outside of his comfort zone. I can understand that, as well as I can understand your wish for someone to talk to that doesn`t live too far away. If you contact him on FB he definitely will panic if he realize you are the one who contacted him on that dating site as well, lol! So, I would avoid doing that He is definitely not ready for his close environment to find out, and even though you wouldn`t tell, letting him know that won`t take away his fear, it can be pretty consuming for someone in his position. Sorry it did not work out for you! *hugs*
Thanks. I definitely wont message him on Facebook, but I shouldn't delete him off my friends list either, right? Better just to leave things as they are.
