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I think the man I'm dating is Bi and has never been with a woman

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Labyrinth, Feb 26, 2013.

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  1. Labyrinth

    Labyrinth
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    I've been dating a very sweet man for about two months now, and I have had some clues that he may be bisexual. I get the impression this may be his first serious relationship with a woman, though this is not something I think he is aware I am picking up on. I am 31 and he is 32, and we are both well educated cultured people. It's hard for me to understand how he may have gotten to this age without having any experience with women. Perhaps he has thought of himself as gay until now, although he presents himself to the world as a straight man, but has many gay friends. Truly an enigma.

    I view sex as a sacred thing, as I am a very spiritual person, and I have not been in a serious relationship for over 4 years. So far we have not had sex, as I wanted to take things slow and feel very close to him emotionally. I've asked him to get tested first, which he's agreed to (and I would have done even if he was straight).

    I really want him to feel close enough to me to express who he truly is and be honest about his past and especially if this is his first time with a woman, but I am not sure how to do that. He seems to be a bit haunted by his past (which may have nothing to do with sexuality, I really don't know). And I know he is also not happy with his current job, and in turn uses alcohol to escape from this. I care about him deeply, and want to help, but I feel it is important he initiates the conversation rather then me prying. What can I do in this situation to make this an easier topic for him to breech? We are getting quite close emotionally, but if it is his first time, I really want to know before it happens. I don't want him to feel like he can't be his true and honest self with me.

    Any advice is much appreciated! <3
     
    #1 Labyrinth, Feb 26, 2013
  2. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    He may be a virgin! I met a 42yo vergin male once named Mike. He had never had sex due to being so shy. He was straight and terrified of VA-JJs. He would have stayed a virgin, but I pulled him out of his safe spot and he ended up loving sex with me. He was afraid he was too small and did not know what to do and had all sorts of fears. The funny part was he was really good looking and had a great body. He took to it right away and turned out after a couple of months to be a fine lover. Once I built him up enough, he ended up with a wife and kids years later. All those years later when I saw him again, he thanked me and showed me his family in photos. So it is not impossable for him to be a virgin at that age. Maby yours is like Mike. It's a thought, June
     
    #2 June Cleaver, Feb 26, 2013
  3. Labyrinth

    Labyrinth
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    Yes I have had this thought! I know he has been to a few strip clubs, and our only mutual friend told me that she did see him with a woman maybe a year ago (they hang out in a group occasionally) once but that it struck her that the woman really didn't seem like someone she would have guessed would be his type. I think it may all be new to him. I really wish I knew!! Well, I wish he felt he could tell me if this is the case. But what can I do to make him comfortable telling me? I feel it's a sensitive area, and something he should bring up.
     
    #3 Labyrinth, Feb 26, 2013
  4. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    In Mikes case he would not talk about it. When he told me he was a virgin he turned purple and I thought he was going to faint. He would not look me in the face for a good half hour. I tried like hell to get more out of him. Over several weeks I brought sex up and he was real scaired and down on his size, afraid of sex alltogather. So over a period of time I did things to turn him on. He had the hots for me and had known me for years at this point. This is slightly embarrising to admit. The only way I was able to get him out of his shell was to be direct. I got him all hot and bothered one night after giving him a few beers, and out it came and I took care of buseness. Well once the first ice had been broken, I played it up as being great! He actually was on the bigger side so I never figured out where he got that he was small. He just seemed to get more confident over time quite quickly. Guys egos are real delicate, and when sex is not a comfortable topic to one, it is real hard to get him to talk about it. Also guys are not to good at talking about feelings either. Good Luck, June
     
    #4 June Cleaver, Feb 26, 2013
  5. Labyrinth

    Labyrinth
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    How did you know? Did you ask him if he was, or did he gradually bring it up himself? I guess once the topic is brought up it's easier to revisit. Did you take your time becoming intimate emotionally and physically? Sometimes I think that perhaps he is in the mentality of wanting to cross that bridge as quickly as possible (perhaps that is just the heat of the moment) but I want to give all of this it's proper due whether he is a virgin or not, but particularly if he is. I thought it might make it more comfortable to bring up if I discussed a related topic about myself, offering information and maybe he would do the same, but somehow I feel like bringing up history of partners may not be the way to go. Hmmm. Thanks for your advice by the way, much appreciated!
     
    #5 Labyrinth, Feb 26, 2013
  6. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    DO NOT tell him about past lovers! That will only make him feel more nervous about being not good enough. Sort of it will make him wonder if he could satisfy you after all the experenced guys you have had. I would say just be direct when the mood is right, like after a few beers. Mike took years to admit he was a virgin. He was a friend of a friend at first. He suddenly was everywhere I was. So we became friends. Then more happened. Mike was attracted to women only with the exception of me. Being trans, lots of guys see me as female FYI. I asked him many times why he was not dating this woman or that one. He was very good looking and I knew several women who wanted him.

    Well he admitted it finally. From the sound of it yours is like Mike, quiet and sweet. So like I said earlier he almost died whe he told me. I was real supportive after telling me and I complimented him to boost his ego. Guys have egos that sometimes must be stroked. If he is nervous about it like Mike was, you will have to take control or you might wait forever. With Mike it had been several years before I got direct with him. Inexperienced guys have too many fears to take action.

    I will be a little more direct telling you what I did for his first time. Keep in mind he had told me he wanted me sexaully. I brought some beer over and a movie to his house. The movie was a romantic date movie. When the movie was over we sat on the sofa drinking the beer and I brought it up. He told me he was too small and he did not know what to do. He had watched lots of porn and it made him feel not good enough about his and womens bodys. He felt he should have done it as a teen like normal people. Now that he was older he was just too nervous. He had tried with a woman before but it would not get hard. He felt too much pressure to perform by her. I told him to relax and not worry about it, to trust me.

    I trust you don't need to hear the first time details. Once he got off, I talked the experence up. Telling him how big it is and how sexy he looks and how I was ready to do it again. BTW he was a good 8 inches. I never got where he thought it was small. In the first 15 to 20 times he came quickly, but we worked on that. It took several times over a week or so before he came out of his shell. When he did he wanted to try all sorts of things. We had lots of fun for a couple of months and the last few times he was really good. That is when I stepped back and let him move on to real females. I'll bet if I had not forced the issue he would still be a virgin at 53. June
     
    #6 June Cleaver, Feb 26, 2013
  7. Labyrinth

    Labyrinth
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    June, I cannot tell you how much you have helped me writing about this. I can see a lot of similarities to the situations, but only because I've really been paying attention to the details and nuances of what he's told me. It's not something he's been up front about in any way. It seems I will have to be the one to break the ice on this one. I will try to think of a good way to bring it up without making him feel awkward. I never imagined that being a virgin could have that kind of effect on someone's self image, but I guess the pieces are all falling into place and it does make sense to me now. I have found he is very down on himself as well concerning many things, though not specifically to his size or ability. Sex is such a powerful, sacred and healing thing in my opinion. It's been amazing to read about your experience and have your advice. Thank you so much, you sound like a lovely soul. xxx
     
    #7 Labyrinth, Feb 28, 2013
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