Depressed about roommates

Without knowing the details of how the roommates are assigned and what the room change policy is, I don't have much to say that will be of practical use. If you can change after a semester, that could take care of problems that arise. Do you get to indicate the sort of roommate you want? You don't have to be specific, but maybe there's a way to request someone socially liberal.

I came out during my freshman year, rather unexpectedly, and things turned out well with regard to roommates. One was focused on losing her heterosexual virginity, so we had something similar to discuss. The people on my floor were generally very helpful.

 

So if you're questioning, what are you going to come out as? You might be gay?

 

Sorry for the challenges you're facing. I've not been in this situation, I'll give you a Dad perspective, ok?

I'm looking at colleges now with my son. At pretty much every school we've looked at so far, there's some sort of room mate matching that happens for freshman year, based on surveys (interests, lifestyle, habits, etc). I've asked, and while that exact same process doesn't seem to happen beyond freshman year, the admissions people have talked about the housing office being there to match roommates -- and LGBT has specifically come up.

Maybe making a call or sending an email to the housing office might get you some help in finding new roommates -- who either identify with LGBT or identify as allies?

Good luck! (and congrats on the coming out process and where you're at -- awesome!)

 

I didnt know either of my roommates (two straight guys) when I moved into the apartment I live in. I didnt really feel the need to share the fact I was gay immediately with them. I wouldnt suggest hiding it if they ask or if the topic comes up in conversation, but its not like you have to be, "Hi, I'm (questioning) gay!" the first time you see them. Knowing that I'm gay isnt as important as knowing my name... finding out that im gay, to me, should be like finding out anything else about me - something you learn over time through conversations and asking questions.

For me, the first time I told them I was gay was about a month after we met, and we were all out at a party and one of them was trying to play matchmaker with me and a girl who he knew. I told him I appreciated the help, but she wasnt my type, but if he knew any nice guys he could send them my way. Luckily for me both of them are really nice guys who dont care. And I feel like at that point they already knew me a little bit, and it wasnt a big deal.

We live in an apartment, so we each have our own space. But in college thats not always the case. So general roommate advice, when you are sharing literally a room, I think its important to talk openly about what will be comfortable for eachother, what both of your expectations are... Are you going to use this room for a study space or are you going to do most of your studying somewhere on campus? How clean do you expect the room to be? Is it ok to bring overnight guests in here? (That might be a good time to mention that your overnight guest may be of the same sex...)

I give that advice because my freshman year I didnt have that sort of talk with my roommate, and hed be loud and crazy almost every night when I was trying to study or sleep, he never cleaned up after himself, and he also had girls over a lot. I tried to be nice and go with the flow, but after waking up to the sounds of sex multiple nights in a row, I started getting annoyed and uncomfortable. And it got kind of awkward when I'd try to tell him what bothered me. (Nerdy AND non assertive, what a mix lol..) With later roommates I've always tried to make my expectations clear and known from the start, and ask what theirs were, and I havent regretted it. I think it makes it easier to live with people when you have that kind of stuff out of the way from the start.

 

It's in their interest to match you with a roommate that will work--otherwise, it's a lot more likely that they will have an issue to deal with where they have to reassign in the middle of the year. It's no good for them to match a gay person up with a homophobe for a roommate, believe me.

Just tell them you would like a gay-friendly housing option if anything like that is available. There most likely is something, since your school has a Queer Union.

 

If things do go bad with a roommate, then don't be afraid to go and talk to your RA or residence hall director. They are they to help you out as well. I know some people at my university that were moved out of their room on an emergency basis because they went and talked to their residence hall director.

 

thecat06 has also had their fair share of roommates.

i met my first roommate at our summer freshmen orientation. we were the same major and put in the same small group to just kinda meet people with similar interests. we grabbed lunch together with 2 other girls who were also arts and science majors. we were all talking about how nervous we were to get roommates and my would-be roommate said she was really scared she'd get a crazy one since she had just seen the movie the roommate. i suggested that we should be roommates since we had at least already known each other for a couple hours. we exchanged contact information but we both forgot to write in each other for our requested roommates and left it up to the survey system. by chance, we got e-mails saying that we ended up together.

flash forward 2 months. i'm moving in 2 weeks early for band camp. my family helps me set everything up and my little sister suggests putting the rainbow flag i bought at my city's pride parade a few months prior in the corner over my bed. flash forward 2 weeks to ACTUAL freshmen move-in and i'm out at band camp all day while my roommate is moving in. we had a party that night, i got in late, and talked to her in the morning. she didn't seem to have a problem with it. we never directly addressed it until we were having a heart-to-heart with one of her friends a few weeks later and they asked how i specifically identified. i was not expecting such a relaxed reaction from a small-town, ohio girl who rides horses, loves country music, and was in the 4-H club since she was young. but that way, i also never really had to muster up the courage to come out to her. we were only roommates for about a month and a half (because of the aforementioned friend having major roommate problems) but left on a good note and we still say hi whenever we see each other. my 2 other roommates have both been part of the LGBTetc. community and i sought them out so there wasn't really room for awkwardness about that on either side as we both knew how each other identified. my last roommate (who dropped out) is pansexual and my current one is gray (more heteroromantic but still rare instances) demisexual. both are gender-fluid (i can't remember how they both specifically identify). so yeah. comfortable environment for us all.

tl;dr because i constantly rant:
there are non-verbal ways to come out when you move in (though i can imagine it's much more difficult when you're still questioning so you might have to say it or just let them find out if/when you bring a boy home). if you have issues with them, definitely go to your RA/residence hall director and they can probably find you emergency housing depending on the severity. if not, they can at least find you a new room at the earliest convenience or help you work out the issues with your roommate.