Okay, there have been certain cringe-worthy developments in my pathetic romantic life that I could use some input/advice on. THE STORY; A few weeks ago I drunkenly made out with a really good friend of mine and then slept over in his bed (he initiated it). The next day he asked to talk to me and told me that he liked me but was unsure of his sexuality and couldn't be with a guy at this point. About a week later we (again, drunkenly) kissed at a bar on campus, then he ran off and spent the whole night avoiding me. Eventually I tracked him down and asked him if he actually liked me at all or if it was just a line. He told me that he did but he didn't want to because he can't figure out his sexuality. He told me that he had sex with a girl (the first time he'd ever done anything sexually with anyone) a few days ago, and it confused him because he didn't particularly enjoy it. He told me he needed time and I said okay and left him alone. About 2 weeks after that, a bunch of people were hanging out in his room. When everyone left I followed then, then realised I'd taken my shoes off and went back to get them on. He returned to his room from the bathroom and, seeing me still there, presumed that I'd stayed behind to try something with him. He told me that when he said he needed time he meant 'months or years, not days or weeks' and that he was not ready to have a boyfriend. I awkwardly explained that I wasn't trying anything and I just went back to get my shoes on, then walked home. PROBLEMS I NEED ADVICE WITH; -Literally everybody we know thinks he is gay. He talks about being attracted to famous guys, he's liked the LGBT Freshers page for my university, and he has certain stereotypical interests (musical theatre, movies, tv shows with a big gay audience.) Part of me thinks that him saying he's confused is just him giving me the brush off. That being said, he comes from a very devout Catholic family from the countryside and he has said to me before 'being gay is just not okay where I'm from, you just can't be', which leads me to think there's some kind of denial going on. -I find him attractive. Really attractive. And I've basically developed a crush on him, which doesn't happen often/ever. Plus he's just a generally nice, decent guy (the other guys I've liked have turned out to be complete bastards) -I'm sure that I want to have sex with him. I'm a virgin and, if nothing else comes from it, I like him and i feel confortable around him and I just kinda feel like it might be a good situation to lose it in? -We have quite a tight knit group of friends (somehow my best friend already wanted to ask me if we slept together when I saw her less then an hour after I left his room -_- gossip travels fast when half the people you know are drama students). Everything is awkward because 1. lots of our friends want us to be together and 2. we hang out a lot and used to be good friends but things have had this kinda unpleasant undercurrent of awkward every time we've hung out which I would like to get over asap. Anyway, does anyone have any thoughts/opinions on my situation? I'm so bad at dealing with this kind of thing, I need serious help you guys...
Well I'm mind of in the same situation, except I Havnt been fortunate enough to get to make out with him.... We did share an air matress and a fold out couch though. I would say atleast he has told you how he feels! Mos people never get to know about their crushes orientation. I would say your friend is most certainly gay, atleast bisexual. But the influence of family and religion had more I a pull then you could imagine! Good news for you is if he is already drinking in college then he has already began to stray from his fath. Give him time, and maybe he will stray enough to come to grips with his orientation! Try to understand that he is going through hell right now tryin to rationalize his feeling and his faith and just be supportive!! I know it sucks having to wait, but I'm willing to bet it will be worth the wait if he comes around!
Sounds like denial. You cannot help that, you have to wait him out. I would move on. I waited for years for a friend to accept himself and when he did it was with somebody else. Lots of other fish in the sea. Stuck
I think you should take him at his word: he has feelings for you, but he can't accept them because he can't accept the fact that he's gay. Don't worry about the fact that it's obvious to everyone that he's gay. That definitely will not stop him from being in denial about it. You should be very careful. It's very common for people in your situation here to end up getting really hurt. He won't mean to hurt you, but he might totally freak out on you. If I were you, I would offer to talk to him about it if he ever needs to, and refer him to EC. And I would definitely NOT have sex with him until he can admit that he's gay, at least to himself and you. Obviously, he is having a really hard time with this. I have no doubt at all that he's gay. It's an incredibly painful conflict, when people are gay and they don't want to be. People behave really irrationally, and think irrationally. Try to imagine how much pain and shame he must be feeling, if he can't accept something about himself that everyone around him knows and accepts. It's really intense. He might do all kinds of self-destructive things. Basically, I think that the last thing you should be worried about regarding him right now is whether or not you are ever going to get into his pants. He's in a fragile mental state, and it would be better to concentrate on being the friend he desperately needs. You need to make it clear to him that you are not going to pressure him romantically or sexually--you really can't, he's nothing close to ready for that. And if your friends have any tendency at all to tease him about his sexuality, even if they don't intend to be mean about it, see if you can get that to stop. It would really be best if no one was bothering him about things to do with his sexual orientation at all. No lighthearted insinuations based on his love of musicals or the fact that he's never had a girlfriend--nothing, ok? They should not mention that the two of you would make a cute couple, or apply any kind of pressure at all. See if you can get them to completely lay off. It should never be brought up in casual conversation. He was raised in a religion that has rhetoric that describes homosexuality as "intrinsically disordered." If he gets married to a man, his family's religion literally forbids them from attending the ceremony. Just attending the ceremony would be considered a sin. The current position of the Church is basically that gay people are fundamentally broken and our only option to maintain chastity is lifelong celibacy. The Pope recently said that homosexuality is a threat to world peace, and "destroys the very essence of the human creature." (Read that article if you want to be profoundly offended in about ten different ways.) This sort of thing seeps deep into a person. It's going to be very hard for him to come to grips with this. So, just try to make sure he's getting the support he needs, and try not to put more pressure on him than there is already. Make sure he knows that you accept that he's not ready to pursue anything with you right now, but that you want to make sure he knows you are there if he needs a friend. If you do refer him to EC: We can make this thread disappear, if that's needed, and if he is worried about you being able to see his posts, he can also post in Ask the Staff for support, or send a private message to any of the advisors.
Cut him off! I mean right now! No calls , talking, nothing. If you see him walk away, if he tries talking, be busy. If he feels anything for you this will drive him crazy, and draw him to you. If nothing is there, he won't care. In any event you will know for sure. Guys want what they can't have! It sounds like he thinks he has the upper hand to me by the statement he made. BTW he must have had the bed on his mind to assume that is why you were there. I know at your age to ignore him when you want him will be tough. If he does not come around, then I say move on and not waste your time anyway. Find a guy who wants you and enjoy him. Good luck, June
I've already made it VERY CLEAR to him that I have no intention of ever doing anything with him that he's not 100% sure about, it was literally the first thing I said when he said he was unsure about his sexuality. Every time we have kissed/made out, he's initiated it. I'd have to be a complete and utter dick to be making moves on somebody who's told me they're not ready for it! As for our friends teasing him, I go to an INCREDIBLY gay friendly university (not gonna say which one, but it's name has 5 syllables and our nickname replaces the last one with 'gay'. Our LGBT Soc was just named Society of The Year by the SU.). All our friends do typically liberal subjects; drama/english/creative writing/music - our friends are some of the most amazingly liberal and accepting people I've ever met and making fun of somebody for being gay would not go down well AT ALL, even if it was just a joke. The thing about people mentioning things about his sexuality is that for all the world HE ACTS LIKE HE IS OPENLY BI. He makes references and jokes about himself liking guys, etc, which is why I was so thrown off when he said he was still questioning his sexuality (and what lead me to wonder if it was just a line). In general convocation, he is open about his sexuality, the only thing he seems to have a problem with is actually 'doing the deed' (for want of a better phrase) - I guess at the end of the day, that is what's so confusing/frustrating about the situation.
I still think you should take him at his word here. I mean, he also just recently had sex with a woman. Presumably he was never attracted to her in the first place. He did that trying to be straight. So, I think it's pretty clear that he is struggling with it. Would you be comfortable referring him to EC, and do you think he'd take the referral?
Honestly, I don't think I'd be comfortable referring him. As selfish as it sounds, I've posted on here about some personal stuff that I wouldn't like people irl to know about, even him. It would absolutely mortify me if anyone I knew found my posts on ec. And I do think he was attracted to the girl he had sex with. We are very good friends, and we've had many a drunken heart-to-heart before the whole making out situation arose. He had a crush on the girl he slept with for a long time, and him sleeping with her had nothing to do with feelings for me; he told a mutual friend that he never had feelings for me until we made out, and he had sex with her before that happened. What's more, he's told me about crushes he's had on guys and girls on multiple occasions. He once told me that he chose our university because he always liked guys and girls but he'd never been able to act on liking guys and just wanted somewhere where being Bi would be fine, but now he's here he doesn't think he's strong enough to go through with it like me and Andrew (our friend who is the campest person I've ever met). He was drunker than anybody I've ever seen when he was saying all thing (and I was looking after him in a club bathroom while we waited for a coach back to uni), so I think that it's safe to say he probably wasn't lying about anything at this point. That being said, I've never been too badly in denial myself, so I don't know if that could effect you even if you're in that much of a drunken state?
Denial is unbelievably powerful. And if the girl he slept with is one he liked that well, and he is confronting the fact that his feelings for her are not actually sexual, that will be bothering him a lot. He will now be comparing the feelings he had while kissing you to the feelings he had while having sex with the girl. And a lot of him will be resisting the necessary conclusions. Because what happened is that, even though the girl was one he really liked and everything, he found that he didn't really respond to her sexually. And then he made out with you, and he did respond, even though you weren't someone he had necessarily thought of that way before. The math does not come out the way he wants it to. Because he doesn't want to be gay. People in denial are not lying; they fully believe everything they are saying. Even when it obviously makes no sense at all, which is actually frequently the case. I talk to people in denial all the time on here, and it's incredible. There are people who are bisexual. I don't think your friend is one of them. He has talked himself into liking women, but he doesn't really. And he is now facing the fact that he just had sex with a girl who I'm sure he thought, "If it will ever work with a girl, it will work with her." And it didn't work. So he's going through a really volatile emotional ordeal right now. I can understand you don't want people you know to read your posts here. It's too bad you don't feel close enough to be comfortable sharing those things with your friends, but it makes sense. I just hope your friend can find somewhere equally good for support.
