I've got a bit of a strange problem. There is a bisexual girl who hangs around with my (entirely male) group of friends. Me and two of the guys have a crush on her. One of them (henceforth referred to as friend 1) has known her for a lot longer and she seems to have feelings for him and they've kissed in private. I'm not supposed to know about this though, friend 1 told me because he was worried he was moving too fast with her and was putting her off and wanted some advice. The other one (friend 2) hasn't admitted to everyone else that he likes her but has asked her out, again I'm not supposed to know this but was told by her and then by friend 1 (who she told, he isn't supposed to know either) as we had to try to keep friend 2 and her separated for a bit as she felt awkward around him. On top of all of this I have a boyfriend, he knows I'm gay but both of us are comfortable not having a physical relationship, we both know its not going to last but we're reasonably comfortable at the moment. Everyone knows I have a crush on the girl, including her but I've made it clear I don't want to get together with her as I'm in a relationship and even if I wasn't I wouldn't want to get between her and friend 1. Friend 1 is currently pretty mad that friend 2 asked her out, especially since friend 2 ditched friend 1 to walk home alone at 2am to do it. Anyway a couple of weeks ago she ended up groping my boobs but mostly as a joke and then we joked a bit that I owed her a grope at some point. Recently this got brought up again and she seems to be really enthusiastic about me groping her and friend 2 keeps making crude remarks about it. This has made me feel as if my feelings for her have been severely trivialized in comparison to my friends feelings and that its just being passed off as a joke which really hurts. I don't really want to go ahead and grope her because I don't think that would be right with a girl I actually like and also because it would upset my boyfriend who is already really insecure about the whole situation. My boyfriend shows this through making joking comments about me sleeping with her which again upsets me because I just feel that my feelings are being treated as a joke by everyone. Sorry if this is a bit ranty. How should approach talking to everyone involved about this without seeming like I'm making a massive fuss or misleading anyone into thinking I actually want to be involved with this girl?
Imho... I'd say leave the boyfriend - it's pointless and kind of cruel, even if he knows (I've done the same thing myself so I'm not judging). And from your post I'm not so sure that you don't want to be involved with this girl... you seem to care a lot about her and the whole situation. So maybe you need to be honest with her and everyone else.
To be honest the boyfriend thing is a whole other issue. We still both love each other even if we're not sleeping together and I don't find him sexually attractive. When I started dating him I believed that I was asexual (due to being in denial about liking women but knowing I didn't like men) so nothing about our relationship has really changed all that much. I do care about her a lot but I care about friend 1's feelings more, the problem is I never see her outside of being around this group of friends otherwise I'd just talk to her privately about it. Also I'm not sure how to bring the discussion up without it seeming a bit out of nowhere.
Ok the whole of your first paragraph here was completely me when I was with my bf so I really do understand. Could you message the girl online? I know it seems a bit cowardly but that is one place where you will get her alone. But, if you really care about your other friend's feelings enough not to want to interfere with their relationship (if that's what it is) then maybe you're best trying to move on from this girl and not say anything. Once you say something imo you only get yourself in deeper from there, lol.
The fact I like her is already out in the open. Its a bit hard to avoid with me, I tend to act like an idiot around girls I like and most of my friends can tell straight away. I am trying to not get too interested in her though, any tips would be appreciated! Its not like I can avoid her either since she's over my friend's house almost everyday and I tend to be over too since we all go over his to work group project work. I do have her on facebook so I could message her. Should I just be like, hey, I know you seem to like the idea but can we please not bring up the whole me owing you a grope thing? Just seems a bit awkward.
Is there any point saying something like that though? Does she go on about it so that you feel you need to ask her to stop? Or are you trying to give her a hint of some sort. As for not getting too interested I really can't help you there, just look at my latest post lol.
Actually, I think you should confront them all about making jokes about your feelings. But you should take your feelings seriously, too. And you aren't getting what you need from your relationship with your boyfriend. Part of the reason that your two friends' feelings are taken more seriously is that they are actually pursuing them to some degree.
I agree with the others. You write that you are both comfortable in the relationship, but your boyfriends remarks makes it a bit obvious that he actually may not be as comfortable as it may seem. The fact that he knows it is not going to last, seeing you near any girl you like will definitely be painful for him. Logic and heart does not combine, and even though you have both reached an understanding that it will not last, emotions will still be there and make things more complicated. It is not fair to either of you to continue a relationship that despite you loving each other, will not work out in the long run. It is simply postponing the hurt for the future, and possibly letting it build to become worse when the separation actually happen. Unless you feel a life without sexual attraction and sex can work for the both of you? It may be enough right now, but what about 5 years from now? Do you want to risk feeling that you wasted something complete for something comfortable and safe? Unless you are asexual, then it becomes a mute point. What about him? Don`t the both of you deserve more? I agree with Ianthe. Part of the reason their emotions are judged as more serious, is because you seem to not take your own feelings serious. That doesn`t excuse their jokes, because it isn`t okay nor nice to joke about you in this way. But I can see why friend 1 and 2 would get irritated, when they want this girl, who want you and who you want in return, yet you are not going for it. I mean, put yourself in their shoes. They may have feelings for this girl. They see her looking at you, knowing that she would pick you, and yet you kind of toss it aside. I can see why it would create some irritation. Now don`t get me wrong, I am not criticizing you, because I do understand that this is a difficult situation. You want to be loyal to your friends, and not take something they wanted "first", and you do have this complication with having a boyfriend whom you still have feelings for. So, I get how you feel, and why you are hesitant to go for what you want. And I also understand that there is a big part of you that don`t want to let your boyfriend go, as I assume the two of you have spent a longer period being together, you know each other, you care about each other, possibly also love each other, despite logic saying that this isn`t going to work. So I get it. Just trying to present the opposite side as well to this. If we meet people with understanding, then chances of receiving understanding back increases, so if you can show that you get how they feel, and you care about that, then maybe they will take it more seriously when you tell them how their jokes make you feel *hugs*
Thanks for the hugs and all the replies. Ah probably miscommunication on my part but she doesn't actually want me she wants friend 1. She just really seems to like the idea of me groping her but that's about it. Though this does seem to bother friend 2 a bit, for example the subject of me going bra shopping with her came up as we both have to go the specialist places to get bras that fit (she's the only person I know who does) and he actually said he wanted to come along until he discovered another girl might be going with us as well. I don't think he likes the idea of me being alone with her. With my boyfriend I want to be able to talk to him properly before we maybe split up as at the moment we're in a long distance relationship because I'm in university. Whenever I see him its after he's driven for hours to see me so it wouldn't really be fair and going to see him isn't really an option as I'm in my final year and I have to work even when he's up visiting. So its probably going to be a few more months until I can do anything about that. I've talked to friend 1 about this a bit this morning and he was quite understanding about it but he reckons talking to friend 2 will just make it worse as he's the kinda guy who will deliberately bring up things you don't want him to because he thinks its funny. He tends to make jokes about me being gay anyway, like he once joked that if I wasn't so fat we could make money from me doing porn with the girl I was dating at the time. Anyway I'm going to the pub with friend 1 later today to talk about it a bit more.
