1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The effects of being closeted

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Labyrinth, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. Labyrinth

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2013
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Portland, OR
    So I am new on here, and one of the several things that brought me here was a new person I am dating. I have suspected they might be bi or even gay, and feeling out what it is like to be with a woman. This man presents himself to the world as being straight, but I've also wondered if he could be a virgin, or has never had a relationship before, despite being 32.

    It's making me realize there are many things that go along with being closeted I have never realized before such as possible substance abuse, anxiety, depression (although these may well be related to other things) confusion about your sense of self, pressure from society to align with their expectations, a fear of sharing any of this even with partners you begin to grow close to.

    What other things do you find being closeted has an effect on in your life ? I really want to understand this better! It sounds from reading the forums that many gay men have been with women at some point. Does this happen from a desire to experiment or because society pressures you into it and you find it difficult to follow your heart ? How have these relations with women effected you ? Do you find these have been both long and short term? (I realize the answer may be different depending on if you are gay or bi!)

    When you have a new partner, if you are experimenting with bi sexuality, at what point do you feel comfortable discussing being closeted? This seems like such a complex issue I'm not sure if I have even managed to cover all the questions floating around in my mind, but it's a start. I'd love it if these questions were used as a starting point, and anything else that comes to mind becomes part of this discussion too! Thanks
     
  2. theMaverick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2012
    Messages:
    963
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    DFWTX
    I'm pretty solidly bisexual and I have been with a woman once, but I lean towards men. Being closeted (still) has had a number of effects on me. I tend to bite my tongue when something derogatory is said about anything have to do with LGBT rights or anything. I also feel that being closeted keeps me from getting out there and meeting a man, despite how badly I want to. Lastly, I feel it has been a huge stress inducer in my life and it's pulled me down into depression more than a few times.
     
  3. Just Jess

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1,237
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Denver
    What is it about being 32?

    I think it can give you a crippling social anxiety, when you always have something to hide. I mean I'm still dealing with a different kind of anxiety, but it feels like a different kind, like it's something I can get past. Before it was a way of life. You kind of just don't want to be around anyone for very long. It's way way more easy to open up to just about everyone now though. I think it really does lousy things to your self esteem too. That's been going way up for me since I came out anyway.
     
  4. therunawaybff

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    It means that only one person in the world knows who I really am, and everyone else (including my own flesh and blood) knows a lie.

    It makes me keep my mouth shut when I should stand up and say something. Every time I hear someone say "faggot" I should treat it like it applies to me, and I don't. For the longest time I refused to even acknowledge the fact that I was in a homosexual relationship at all outside of the relationship. It was nobody else's business, I decided. But that was a total cop-out. I was just afraid of the consequences of being found out.

    I think probably a lot of gay guys have been with women just because that's the default, you know? I dated girls in high school because I hadn't experienced attraction to another guy at that point, and in college, when I did experience it, I kept dating women because I was in total denial.

    I've mostly only had one-night stands with women once I got out of high school, but the few girls I dated in college never lasted long because it pissed my secret boyfriend off something fierce. :grin:

    I don't know. This is a really complex issue in my personally relationship. The first time we ever talked about it, it was basically a: "We're not telling ANYONE about this. Right? Good? Good." And the conversation became a more strained variation on that theme over a period of years, the longer and longer we were together, and the more intense our relationship became.
     
  5. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi,

    The answer is when pain, suffering, frustration, loneliness, or lack of intimacy fulfillment outweigh the benefits of the heterosexual relationship.

    A relationship must fulfill emotional, intellectual and physical needs. Any less than all three and I find there is only friendship.

    I got 21 (well 13) years before it caught up with me.

    Kids can lock you in too.

    Stuck
     
  6. Vicking

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    São Paulo, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm very interested about this subject. I don't consider myself closeted anymore (only for some very specific people), but I just can't remember how I felt when I indeed was closeted. One thing I know is that this conversation with the other person would never happen, I believe I would prefer to end the relationship and give some excuse.

    But what interests me even more is what they call internal homophobia. I mean, how can one relate to anyone under this condition? I think I had my years of this, until I finally "evolved" to a closeted case, but I don't remember what was going on in my mind. I actually recall only watching straight porn (anything other than that was like a tabu). If you can't realize you are gay, does that mean you would actually fabricate your love for someone in a straight relationship? I wonder if there are some "pros" out there specialized in making people of the opposite sex fall in love with them... It's kinda scary. oO
     
  7. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    I did date girls from time to time throughout high school but I never got to the sexual part. I experienced emotional attraction to them though, but not a huge desire to go further. In 11th grade, I experimented with a guy for the first time. It was the first thing sexual I did. It was intense and felt really good, but I felt kinda grossed out after and disconnected emotionally. I continued to hookup with guys from time to time from 11th grade through college. I would constantly watch gay porn and once in a while go online and hookup with guys.

    Around age 21, I started to have a bit of a sexual identity crisis. I started to realize I had not experimented sexually with a girl, even though I dated a bunch. All my friends were hooking up with them on a weekend basis. I felt trapped, alone, and isolated. I became very depressed about my orientation. That depression forced me to have sex with girls. Each time it felt empty and mechanical. Sometimes it was difficult to perform, others I managed to get through it. Mechanically it felt good, but I couldn't connect with the girl. I absolutely hated being gay. I hated the fact I couldn't like girls. I treated my same-sex attraction like an illness. On several occasions, I drank til I blacked out. I began to despise bisexual guys. Sometimes I would look at girls in public hoping they would turn me on. I would force myself to watch lesbian porn and fantasize about them.

    It gets better -- If I had a sexual thought about a guy or even watched gay porn, I would punish myself by taking an ice cold miserable shower. It was a form of aversion therapy I was self applying. I thought I could undergo some form of arousal reconditioning to shift from guys to girls. Didn't work. I went through it all. I did decide however not to hide behind women in a relationship. It wouldn't be fair to them. I would hookup even if it wasn't satisfying, but at least I wasn't leading one on. Today, I still have to play the straight charade. Whether it's making up stories about girls or actually doing it, it's to maintain a cover. I no longer harm myself if I think of guys. I accept it as is. I no longer stigmatize my same sex attraction, but often do hate myself for my lack of opposite sex attraction.
     
  8. needshelp

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,005
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    nuked jersey
    there's a feeling of great uncomfort that comes with it. i pretty much find myself holding to hide myself from other people. i have that urge to let it all out then that anxiety and fear that emerges because i know that there's a good chance that people might not react to it well knowing that i'm gay. it also limits my chances of interacting with other gay people and dating. :frowning2: it's messed up. most gay guys will not even bother to date you if you're closeted to a certain extent. it's messed up.
     
  9. castle walls

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2011
    Messages:
    798
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Western USA
    I'm barely scratching the surface with this post but I thought that you may like some studies on this topic. I'm not saying that being closeted guarantees that everything I mention will happen. It does have a high correlation but correlation does not imply causation.

    A while ago, I attended a lecture by Dr. Robert Trivers. He explained that living a lie (being in the closet) is terrible for your immune system. I don't have a good link confirming his statements though so I'm a bit hesitant to mention him.

    This is from a study called, Physical Burdens of Secrecy. It is a pdf file from the Stanford University website
    It continues on to say
    This study entitled, Why Tell if You're Not Asked? Self-Disclosure, Intergroup Contact, and Heterosexuals' Attitudes Toward Lesbians and Gay Men, can be found as a pdf on the UC Davis website
    Although researchers are finding a lot of possible benefits to coming out of the closet, there is a catch. Current research suggests that these possible benefits do not apply if you come out to hostile people. This link says the following:
    Once again, please keep in mind that these are correlational studies but that does not mean that they are entirely useless. Scientists are still learning about the effects of being in the closet.

    Also, nothing against closeted people. I'm in the closet myself
     
  10. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    One effect of being closeted that I can relate to is what happens after being closeted for a very long time. There seems to be some powerful mechanism of self-delusion that kicks in, almost a defence mechanism that seeks to help with coping around some unpleasant truths, that something is inside and represses you, tells you to look one way when you'd rather look elsewhere...until it becomes a mental habit which can only be broken by some crisis, like divorce.
     
  11. Convoy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2013
    Messages:
    369
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    WNY
    Being closeted has kept me from getting the help I needed, becoming self-destructive and a whole host of other issues since I just never dealt with things properly. I hid things and became a compulsive liar in order to hide the truth from people around me. It makes life a whole level of difficult. No one ever really knew anything about myself for a long time, I never told anyone and even dealing with my own emotions was difficult.

    I became withdrawn since no-one I knew could relate to myself or the issues I was facing at the time which caused more problems in itself. I never felt comfortable in my own skin when I was closeted all the time and it caused some issues that extended beyond just my personal life. I lost interest in things, I couldn't trust anyone and my school work and work ethic diminished, I stopped taking care of myself and begun unraveling and before I knew it I had a bad track record and was struggling to pass any classes.

    I feel that being closeted was a poor experience for myself not that I would have had a great time If I was open, but it would have been a hell of a lot easier to face things in public then to hide in the shadows. I still suffered as much as I would have anyways, It was just in silence.

    Hell I'm lucky to even be here considering, things got really messed up in a bad way and I'm going to have long term consequences from them. To be honest my sexuality wasn't my biggest issue but it made me feel unsafe and that kept me from going and getting the help that I needed.
     
  12. brightside80

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2013
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    3
    For starters, the lack of the opportunity to find someone who I really want to be with. I'm bi, and so its hard for me to talk to women about liking guys, and since i'm in the closet, I can't date guys. This puts me in a predicament because then I don't feel like I should date anyone until I can be honest about who I am with both sexes.

    At the same time, I know it's eating me up inside. Because I haven't really talked to anyone about it, except for online friends, and briefly to one other person (who quickly shot me down).

    On the positive side, anytime I get into discussions that deal with LGBT issues, I seem like someone who is "unbiased" since I am not LGBT to them, and so sometimes they will hear me out and take what I say.
     
  13. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm using a new phone, so my answers are right below the questions asked :eusa_doh:
    I'm just glad that I'm finally learning and coming to terms with not being in the closet. It's scary, but I know that things will be okay.
     
    #13 pinklov3ly, Feb 28, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2013
  14. GwenCS

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2013
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sebring, FL
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Not sure how it applies to others, but for me, being closeted has led to being kinda paranoid, distrustful of others, and just having a general almost-permanent bad mood. Like, I'm only ever happy around a few people. Around others, or on my own, I don't feel happy. And it's led to health problems. In other words, the closet sucks.