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PDA when out on a date

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PeteNJ, Mar 1, 2013.

  1. PeteNJ

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    Last night I had a date with a guy I met at the gay pride center. I really wanted to spend time with him, so by text I invited him out (ok, wimpy, but it worked). He’s smart, funny, sensitive, oh, and hot!

    The date -- we were out to dinner, in a cool new upscale place. It was mostly m/f couples. Several f/f couples (friends? siblings? lovers?). And then my date and I. We hugged when he came in. During dinner, if I was on a date with a woman, I'd have reached out to hold hands across the table. Couldn't bring myself do that with him (though we were physically close). Not because I didn't like the guy, and I did touch him a couple of times. But because, well, as far as I could tell we'd have been the only openly gay couple there.

    For a guy like me who's just starting on the coming out journey -- that would have been a big step.

    So why didn't I hold his hand, when I felt such a connection with him? Is it more about my confidence in being an openly gay man, or more about what other people in the place might think of me/the two of us? I’m sure that if we had been in a gay bar -- I'd have taken his hand.

    I’m disappointed in myself. :tantrum: I wasn’t authentic to my feelings – because of what other people in the place might see, what they would think. And really, why should that matter even a little bit?

    We ended the date with a big bear hug. Kissing him on the street in front of the place, which is what I wanted to do, that would have been even more PDA than holding hands (haha!).

    I know if I want to be happy as gay and out, I can’t hide myself. There is no freedom in that.

    So ECrs – tell me how comfortable you are showing affection with your partner in public. Was it a process for you?

    (the date was a success, we texted a lot afterwards…:icon_bigg)
     
  2. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Pete

    Congratulations on taking that step, a dinner date and PDA, I bet it felt great, I would just love to be in a position to do that but as you know from my other posts I am a little way behind you on my journey.

    Today is the first anniversary of my first coming out to my therapist so I treated myself to putting a current photo of myself on my EC profile page, at this time it’s only limited to a few who I have made contact with including you so that you can see who you have been talking to.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  3. Minx

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    Well, I'm not really afraid of a fight, and I don't care what others think.

    So, I'm comfortable as can be with small amounts of pda. (I'm not one for heavy pda, personally. Well... if I met the right guy, I wouldn't mind making out on a park/bus bench at night. :lol:slight_smile:

    It's been a process though, there's always that slight hesitation. Kind of like having to brace for the worst while just hugging a guy's arm. I don't think thar basic self-preservation instinct will truly disappear when out in public. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Granted, I'm younger... and on the college campus where I spend most of my time, being gay is not usually something anyone bats an eyelash at....

    But I do live in the largest conservative county of my state, natively and PDA was really hard to work up to.

    I have gotten the stern, disgusted looks from old ladies on the street while I'm holding my girlfriend's hand. I have gotten the shouts from guys (either sexually objectifying me or condemning me).

    But those things, for me, are less important than my personal integrity. I show who I am and how I feel regardless.

    But I think coming out (after having already been a teenager) is sort of like being a teenager again. You have to go through periods of uncertainty and learn to recognize yourself and what matters to you and really feel out what is right for you, personally.

    That all being said, you have to be aware of your surroundings. There are times and places (even now) where it's just not safe to be gay. If you're not in those places, then the choice of PDA is yours.
     
  5. malachite

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    I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.
    If society accepted gay couples more then I doubt you'd of been so nervous about it.
     
  6. Tiny Catastrophe

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    I can relate to that feeling of being nervous to hold hands or something with my girlfriend in public especially since the one time we did hold hands at a restaurant we were treated like a disease. We were sitting next to each other holding hands UNDER the table and the waitress saw and proceeded to ignore us and gave us stale food and the people in the table in front of us actually moved to another side of the restaurant so I can understand that anxiety about PDA when you're somewhere with predominately m/f couples.
     
  7. Ianthe

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    Congratulations on the date, and on having the courage to ask him out. :slight_smile:

    I think most of us are more restrained than we would be otherwise, simply because other people's reactions force us to be more conscious of everything.

    Think about this too: If you and your date haven't discussed it in advance, you might try to hold his hand and find that he's not comfortable with it. That's when it really gets painful, when it causes us to actually pull away from someone we don't really want to pull away from. Even when you know why, and that it isn't about you, it still hurts when you try to touch someone and they reject you.

    I actually don't think it would be a good idea to try for much more PDA than you did, without talking to your date in advance about what you are both comfortable with in public. If you are going to see him again, you might just tell him exactly what you told us, and see how he feels about it. I mean, he didn't try to hold your hand, either. So, either he was uncomfortable too, or he thought that you might be.

    Another factor is that you like him. You have feelings for him that you didn't have for your female dates. That means you will be more nervous about making advances anyway, and the anxiety about people staring or whatever will add to that.

    As long as you communicate clearly, it will probably be fine for you to get comfortable slowly. You can also choose more gay-friendly places to go on some of your dates.

    Does he know that it was your first date with a guy?