My son is turning 14 this week and in 7th grade. He is very out going, popular and is an honor roll student. He also wrestles for the high school, JV. My concern is he is very sexual in his humor, dancing, and in his over all behavior. He tells girls he doesn't like that he is gay. He "acts gay" to get a laugh and attention from family members and friends. There have been times when he has told me he is gay but then when I say "that's ok" he retracts it. Is this normal? Do most boys/men know by this age if they are gay or straight? I want him to know that it's ok to be who he is (whatever that is) but I am also concerned because we live in a small Southern Town and I don't want him to get hurt and think maybe he should tone things down? any advice????
hello hi! Um, I think I started looking at gay porn at about ~7/8th grade, and my first guy crush at like 10th grade hahaha. and welcome again to the forum!
Welcome to EC! It's good to see you taking an interest in your sons well being. From what you say, he may well be gay. The only ways to really find out, though, are to ask or wait for him to tell you if he is. If you are going to ask, then wait until you're alone, and calmly ask him. Make sure you are both comfortable, and make it known that you are fine with it if he is.
Welcome to EC! People can know that they are gay/straight by the age of 8, actually, but the denial consumes a lot of LGBTQA individuals, due to the intense levels of homophobia found today in the world. He could be gay, and it sounds like he may be in denial. (I'm no expert, though).
Gosh, what a worry. My son is 16 and our town is also very small and the school very small. He is very very quietly gay though, and only his good friends know. He is the opposite of your son. I think its a learning experience for them. I also think its not an "event" but a "process" It might bode well for him if he does turn things down a notch. Many kids seem to accept it now a lot...there is a neighboring city where the homecoming king this year is openly gay and nobody seems to think a thing of it. My son says he has known since he was 13 or 14 so yes I would say your son does know by now. He needs to know that its vulgar to discuss sex at any age and some people will find it unwelcome and probably embarassing...regardless of his sexual feelings or preferences I dont think he hears YOU talking about sex right? I think its a sign of immaturity but at his age I think they do act quite immature. He will possibly outgrow some of that? If he is outgoing, popular and an honor roll student mom then he must be doing something right? He sounds like a really good kid. At least he is taking sports. Ours has zero interest in any athletics, he is very nerdy. But also well liked and popular and very quietly gay. I know how you feel though, the worrying about his getting hurt. As someone reminded me on these forums, if that happens, its not because he is gay, its because someone ELSE doesnt like gays or has a problem. We cant protect them forever but what a worry, the hate, the prejudice, I also worry about how difficult this will make my son's future as well. I dont know if I gave you any advice....I know my son is loved by all the girls and is surrounded by them always. I guess they make very good friends for them. His dad thinks he is a "player"..little does he know.
Thank you for your response and I read your post too. I don't talk about sex unless he asks questions and I certainly don't flaunt my sexuality. He is so shameless, he will openly talk about masturbation and will pretend he is a female pole dancer, sigh... But I think that just may be to get my attention (sometimes I can't help but laugh) He has all the girls after him too. Like you, I just hope he stays safe and is happy and healthy. I hate to think he is shamed of being gay IF he is. We are so very close and I'd like to think he could tell me, unless maybe he is confused himself??? His older brother is always telling him... "don't be gay" or "quit acting gay" so maybe that affects him? I guess time will tell.
I can somewhat relate to this, as I had played sports growing up and had an older brother saying similar things. And I grew up in conservative rural Nova Scotia. I was terrified as a kid to come out, I was worried that I would be kicked off my hockey team and that my family would never of spoken to me again. Your son may be gay, and you have shown support of that and that is great. He may be testing the water with his statements that he retracts. I would recommend having a sit down with him and making it as clear as possible that you will support him no matter what.
Hello SCMom, I from a small town as well, I really didn't know until I was about 15, but looking back there were signs from when I was just a little , but I didn't connect dots until I was about 15/16. and welcome to EC nice to see some Mom's on this site =) he is lucky to have you!!
Oh that is really interesting to hear, it's really what I am wondering if HE even knows. Thank you for the welcome! ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2013 at 06:52 PM ---------- Thank you for your response, Thatoneguy. My sister is gay and he knows i'm totally OK with him being gay. Who knows, he might be straight?
If that was directed at me, I came out when I was 20. I waited until I left home because I wasn't sure how they would handle it. ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2013 at 11:21 PM ---------- He could be, as long as your there for him it will turn out.
He could know, and not letting you know, but if you ask him and hes not then that could really upset up and if he's not ready to come out yet then just let him be he has to accept it himself first.
He's 14, he may not be completely comfortable with being gay, you can't get mad for him retracting him saying that he's gay. I was 14 when I first came out, but only to several friends and I'm still only out to a couple friends (5 guys and 2 girls to be exact). Am I 100% comfortable with being bi? Not really, but I'm bi and that's fine. You have to remember that because he's 14 and going into the starting phases of puberty too, his hormones are over the place. Also, I wouldn't get too worried about his 'sexual' humor. He's a teenage guy, it's going to happen. I make sexual jokes, my friends make sexual jokes, it's like second nature to us guys. Also, telling him to tone down his 'gay-ness' may not be the best idea. He'll most likely take that the wrong way and think you're not accepting. Let him be who he wants and only get worried if you know that there's something going on.
Why not be proactive? Join a LGBT support group in your area and let him know you are doing it up front. Ask if he would like to join you. If he asks "why you would do this?" Tell him it is to better support him. Being here at EC is a great start. I would be careful not to operate behind his back, but let him know you are curious to learn how to best support him in his teen years. Look at it another way... If he was an athletic hockey prodigy, would you learn how to help support his gift? Would you attend the hockey parents meetings? Being gay is simply a variation similar to athletic ability, some have it, some don't. Parents of athletes learn support skills that parents of non athletes don't. Support him like you would as if it was simply another natural variation of his life that you need to support and parent around it. Shuck
I think it's fairly likely your son is gay, or at least bi, but is still coming to terms with that. As far as talk about sex, masturbation, and such, there is definitely a generational split on that issue. People under 25 are *much* more open in talking explicitly about sex, masturbation, and sexual activity than even 10 years ago. I think that's a combination of increased openness in discussions and depictions of sexual activity in television, film, and other media, as well as the widespread availability of online porn. I think the openness about sex cuts two ways. On the one hand, by being comfortable talking about it, younger people have a lot less shame about what is essentially a normal and natural part of human behavior, and the shame associated with sexual activity and nudity is a powerful inhibitor of what can otherwise be a very positive and enjoyable part of life. On the other hand, being more open and comfortable about sex and masturbation can also lead to a somewhat nonchalant attitude about both, and that can lead to undesirable consequences... sexual activity at an earlier age that a young teen may not be emotionally prepared for, webcam masturbation that can end up being captured and posted to one of many dodgy tube sites, and various other things. I don't think you'll stop anyone of your son's generation from being open about sex and sexual discussion (nor do I necessarily think that doing so would be a good thing). But you can have discussions about appropriateness, about how many adults will be uncomfortable about such discussions and consider them vulgar. And I strongly recommend that every teen be made aware of the risks of webcamming and even chatting online about sexual things, since there are an awful lot of online predators out there, and younger gay males seem particularly vulnerable.
hi SCmom. It sounds like you have your hands full with your 14 year old teenage son I think he`s defiantly in the questioning stages of bi or gay and am sure he will come to his own conclusions. this is just my opinion hear but I would be a little concerned about how he is handling himself at times with stuff he jokes about.
Depends on the person I have known sence I was 11 but just tell him that u r there for him and sometimes it is hard to tell or it is just that they know that another family member will not like them if they do and abt a year ago my brother found out I was gay because ... And them he told my mom and then I blamed it on my freind and I feel bad but c my brother is EXTREAMLY homophobic but my mom told me that and now I wish that I would of just asked her to keep it to her self but in my defense I wasn't even shure If I was gay then
