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I have this friend....

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by greatwhale, Mar 2, 2013.

  1. greatwhale

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    I met him online just before I accepted myself as Gay, so I met him in "hook-up" mode but this evolved quite suddenly with the process of coming out.

    Poor guy, this was probably a little too intense for him, and if he wasn't so sweet I would have cut it off, as I have quite firmly cut off hooking up since I came out to myself.

    We had sex the first time; after coming out, it was making love the second and third time. I know he started to have feelings that go beyond a good fuck, he opened up to me, started telling me about who he was...everything except that he was in a relationship with a woman (that came out later, and I appreciate his honesty, although belated).

    I don't blame him for this, nor am I upset...simply, my whole world changed and his didn't, I have a before, and an after, he doesn't...yet. I simply told him he has a decision to make. I had to be clear however that if he chose to accept being gay or bisexual, I cannot be involved in that decision. First I don't yet know him well enough and there is only the remotest possibility of a longer-term relationship, and second, it would not be fair to me to assume the responsibility for his breakup - should he choose that path (and he has given no hint of that).

    Finally, all of the above is now to a certain extent, moot. His company has decided to move his division to Mexico, and him along with it...if anything this may clarify his feelings, but it will do nothing for our relationship.

    I guess my point here is that the "sex first, relationship later" approach to meeting people, although it works in some instances, is fraught with hazards...in future, I intend to take the "friendship first" approach as suggested in an excellent "sticky" post here at EC.
     
  2. LoveMusicPoetry

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    Yes, I too have toyed with the idea of a hook up. I did consider it one time when I was offered. I decided against it though. I want to have an experience with another female, but not just a sworded little fuck somewhere. I made the decision to wait and find someone I want to share my first time with, rather than just getting it out of the way. I also don't want to have my view of girlsex, as it were, tainted by a bad experience.
     
  3. Dublin Boy

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    As I have said before in one of my posts "I have only got as far as 1st, 2nd & 3rd base with a guy, I have not yet scored a home run :slight_smile: like all virgins, I guess that is the scary bit, scary in a nice way though :grin: every encounter has always been a one night stand, I wish I could just meet someone as a friend, let the friendship blossom, go out for a few drinks, socialise a bit & then start of with the usual kissing, touching & then lead onto making love, but it has to be special :love:
     
  4. therunawaybff

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    I recommend friendship first. Certainly makes the sex better I feel. Just gives it a whole different dynamic.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    Exactly right, and since I have learned the definition of "demisexual", or arousal limited to those with whom one has an emotional relationship, I believe this applies quite accurately to me as well.

    But damn, sex is one wicked pony to ride (so to speak) and I am no virgin...
     
  6. therunawaybff

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    I've never heard of a demisexual before now, but that describes me pretty well too. My arousal is not dependent entirely on emotional attachment, but it has a huge influence on it.

    A one night stand for me with someone I don't care about as satisfying as jerking off. Sex in a relationship that is years old is awesome because in most cases you know exactly what the other person likes and doesn't like (and vice versa). And if you're having sex with a friend, you're less self-conscious and more considerate of your partner's pleasure I feel.
     
  7. cm81990

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    I've come to the conclusion about a few things:

    1. If you are looking to date and build a relationship, delay sex a little bit. Build up a bit of an emotional relationship first then see where it goes. You should look for people that are "secure" in their sexuality and aren't in the unsure or questioning stage.

    2. If you or the other person is unsure, questioning, or looking for your first time, don't go the dating/relationship route. I learned this the hard way being someone's guinea pig experiment. Make it "sexual platonic," no strings attached. If you are someone's first time, be a guide or show that person the ropes. Don't get too emotionally attached, especially when someone is trying to figure things out. One of the parties will get hurt.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Absolutely true, it's taken me a long time to acknowledge this. My friend got caught in the middle of my own transition but it's not so cut and dry, sex did become making love, there was a possibility for intimacy and a deeper friendship that took us both by surprise, inconvenient for both of us, but for him...I can only sympathize with what he is going through.

    Yes, friendship first, I have an opportunity now to wander into unexplored terrain, and I am truly excited by the possibilities!

    ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2013 at 10:01 AM ----------

    No truer words could apply to me, these are lessons learned (I am rather dense, it takes me a while to figure things out) and I intend to be a little more "disciplined" - so to speak - in my relationships, there's been way too much improvisation and not enough thinking things through..
     
  9. Dublin Boy

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    Yes, friendship first, I have an opportunity now to wander into unexplored terrain, and I am truly excited by the possibilities!


    :thumbsup: me too :icon_wink
     
  10. greatwhale

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    Read my blog post on self-delusion, I guess I wrote it during the so-called anger stage of the five stages of mourning...(mourning that is for the loss of illusions)
     
  11. greatwhale

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