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How do I deal with my narcissistic mom?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MtnFr3sh, Mar 2, 2013.

  1. MtnFr3sh

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    I would like to apologize for posting this twice, I've added more info embedded within the paragraphs, but I'm relabeling it because of two reasons
    1. I didn't quite understand what narcissism was
    2. People don't always readily respond to a thread labeled "Clingy Mom"
    My mom is always wanting me to be near her. I don't know why, she's such a b*tch, and if you've seen my previous posts to this forum you'll know what I'm talking about.
    She hurts me all the time, not physically, mentally, she says things that stings often, she acts all innocent like she's the victim, I don't even know how. But almost every time we're in the same room, eventually we yell at each other, she doesn't know how to socialize with me without making me feel like crap! She criticizes me all the time and hides it as concern, I remember one time I made a great grade on something at school, not perfect, but I was so proud of myself, then when I told her I get "Well, you could have done better." She always says how lucky I am because she's not as bad as her mother and constantly says how if I talked out of turn with her I would have been beat, she even said that when she made good grade she always said my mom could have done better! In my opinion, she's about as bad as her mom, just minus the physical abuse. She talks down to me all the time it's confusing! My dad isn't around so she gives me more responsibilities, she treat me like an equal at times yet when she's mad at me she tells me that we aren't equal and that I am the "Child" and she is the "Adult" I've tried telling her, and when I say tell, I don't mean yell, I mean I've told her calmly, and I get a variety of reactions:
    1. she starts either crying saying she's sorry and won't do it again and how she's a horrible mother, yet she turns around and does it again
    2. She says it's my fault
    She doesn't even realize she hurts me I think, I've told her how I feel and she says she had no idea.
    And then she gets upset when I practically lock myself in my room to be away from her, she acts like a freaking little kid about this! She knocks on my door and slips her head in saying she's lonely and misses me. I've finally learned that there's no point in trying to tell her what she does, no point in trying to stay in the same room with her. She acts like she's the damn victim here! And then she says something like "Any person with sense can tell what you're doing in there! You're just looking at porn!" "Why don't you want to be near me? :frowning2: " See what I mean? How belittling she can be?! And yet she has the nerve to act like the damn victim saying she's lonely when she's the one driving me away! One time I remember actually crying on purpose, not to make her feel bad, but hoping she'd notice and ask me what's wrong, but she heard me, and then got mad at me for some unknown reason.

    I don't know what to do here, I don't want to be told to tell her how I feel because that NEVER works with her, like NEVER! My parents are divorced and it's like I'm stuck with this woman until I turn 18! I'm getting to where Im actually contemplating getting emancipated, but even then, I have to wait until I'm 16 and wouldn't be able to show my face in this damn town if I did and I have nowhere to go if I do.
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Mar 2, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2013
  2. shovelman

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    re: How do I deal with my narcissistic mom?

    Have you considered going with your dad? Or is that not an option?
     
  3. MtnFr3sh

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    re: How do I deal with my narcissistic mom?

    My dad is NOT an option! Every time I see him he's engaged to another woman, last time saw him at my grandmother's funeral (his mother) he walks up to me and asks me to meet his new wife, my aunt (his brother's wife) defends me and my dad snaps at her. my mom wasn't there because the funeral was all the way in Minnesota. That's just one example of my bastard father.

    And I have no friends I could stay with here, none that would believe what I tell them because my mom is a substitute at my school that everyone loves. She puts on this fake loving mother act to everybody else and it irritates me.
     
    #3 MtnFr3sh, Mar 2, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2013
  4. shovelman

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    re: How do I deal with my narcissistic mom?

    Sorry to hear that. There's not much I could really advice on with your situation to make it easier living with your mom, sorry :/. One thing I could advice is to probably try to get some help from school, such as a counselor that could could perhaps help you and your mom try to understand each other because there seems to be some issues she's dealing with and by turn you're paying some of the consequences of the outcome.
     
  5. thinthinline

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    re: How do I deal with my narcissistic mom?

    mtnfr3sh, I haven't gotten all the details but I'm assuming from your tone that your mom makes you sad even more than she makes you mad. If she is unwilling to listen to you and how you feel, you have to accept that she's not going to change. In that case, your goal needs to become surviving however long it is you will be living with her. Set boundaries for yourself which you as the judge will know are necessary to keep yourself from getting hurt. Distance is probably key.

    Does she draw you in emotionally to where it's very intense, put you in a role where it's like you're the parent and she's the child where you're responsible for her emotional well being and happiness, put you down by likening you and her as though you are one person and not separate, or treat you like a friend instead of a child? Have you never gotten along or is this new? Does she have sudden mood swings? Is everything always drama?

    You have to recognize what is unhealthy in your relationship with her as well as what is unhealthy in her behavior and look at your own behavior objectively too. Remedy what you can. What you know is unhealthy but cannot be changed, learn to recognize it and remain unbiased, and try your best to separate yourself from it. You are 15 and should be worried and most interested in school and your friends, while loving your family. When problems with family become detrimental and that detriment becomes the focus, something is wrong. Try your best to withdraw from that which you know is unhealthy, and shift the focus to healthy relationships with your friends, teachers you can trust, etc. Focus on your friends, your relationship with your boyfriend, school, sports, a hobbie, anything you have passion for and keep your heart high through those things. Your mom may get you down, but you are your own person with a big life ahead of you.
     
  6. MtnFr3sh

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    You are right, but it's hard to stay away from her. She always wants to be near me, I'm an only child so I'm the only person she latches on to and sucks life out of. Just now she wondered why we don't watch TV together, we used to watch Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler) and she said it was interesting, one time she was mad at me and told me to go watch my stupid Japanese cartoons, she called them stupid, just now I told her the reason I don't watch them with her and she said "I think you hear what you want to hear." Now she just said "I'm sorry if you think I thought your show was stupid." This :***: just loves to make herself seem like the victim! She does this type of shit all the time, she just says insults to me and when I ask her about them later she denies it and says I have something of a "vivid imagination" -_- ALL THE :***: TIME!

    I can't seek help from school because she teaches there! They'll hear her side of the story and automatically side with her simply because everybody likes her!

    She got me so worked up once I cried for hours, got hysterical, and almost cut myself!
    She makes me feel responsible for her happiness all the time, she cries like it's my fault, she says she's lonely and wonders why I don't want to be anywhere near her! I don't know how to deal with it.
     
    #6 MtnFr3sh, Mar 3, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2013