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Loneliness =\

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bellinghamwa, Mar 3, 2013.

  1. bellinghamwa

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Bellingham, WA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well I'd like to say I went through hell and back in high school and my early college years with accepting myself, but that's all over with now. I'm totally out to everyone and even with the 100 people between all my different friend groups, family, etc. that now know, not a single person has been put off by it or treated me any differently.

    I threw a pretty big party this weekend and had around 70 people come/go in my little one bedroom apartment (wall to wall people!), most of which I know really well. It was a great party and everyone had fun.

    Anyways, I honestly don't know how I will ever "find" someone. I've had a couple of hookups with guys that I would never want to date. Don't get me wrong - one of them is just kinda my "booty call" and we both are on the same page with that. He's a nice guy in all, just not my type really (no similar interests besides dick!). I really don't see me finding someone at a bar or club since those guys tend to be pretty skeezy. The last gay bar I went to I got propositioned by a girl (attractive, but meaningless to me), so that just reinforces my dilemma.

    I jokingly said to my friend last night that she needs to help find a "heterosexual gay man" for me. However, in all seriousness, the only guys I really find attractive or interesting or share similar interests with are always straight. There have been a few guys that I believe are gay, but are so far closeted that I don't think they will ever be able to dig themselves out (I was like that once too I suppose). When I came out originally everyone was blown away because I hardly have any stereotypical homosexual traits (besides liking dick, haha). I enjoy working on my truck and getting dirty, snowboarding, dirtbiking, flying airplanes, shooting at the gun range, etc.

    So back to the party thing. I love throwing parties and I love the people I have in my life. However after everyone has left with each other drunkenly stumbling home and pairing up, and you're sitting alone in an empty apartment, it definitely gets to you. Especially when you think you have found someone and at the very end of the night - then he sits next to you almost crying (super drunk) talking about his horrible breakup with his last girlfriend.

    I'm 22 years old and am back at square one again after coming out. I've had a few relationships in the past with girls, but I honestly can't say that I have ever "loved" a significant other. I feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of what it means to be a human being and I want to experience it while I'm still young!

    Anyways, that's my vent for today. I have nobody else in my life that can seriously relate to it. Girls experience this on an entirely different level, lol and the gay guys I know are all super feminine and all of them are either paired up or have had serious relationships at one point or another.

    So here I am on here!
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    Gay folks do in fact find themselves in a bit of a bind. Sheerly due to the numbers game, we have fewer people in the dating pool. So in addition to all the problem straight people have when they meet somebody - "Is he single? Is he available? Is he interested?" - we get "Is he gay? Is he out?" on top.

    This doesn't mean that dating is impossible for us. But it does mean we tend to have to do some more work to find people to date. There are two main ways to increase odds in your favor.

    1. Go where the gays are. A lot of people immediately think "gay bar" or "hookup app". And nothing wrong with either of those, necessarily, but neither is perhaps the ideal place to find a boy/girlfriend. They're more for finding somebody to dance with or get your rocks off with. And yes, those can turn into relationships, but they don't necessarily do.

    Instead, look for other places where gays congregate. There are gay social clubs, gay biking clubs, gay sporting leagues, gay book clubs, gay bowling leagues, gay volunteer groups. You can google "gay (your city) (activity)" to see what comes up. Most cities of some size have a gay weekly newspaper. Pick that up, and scan through it to see if something jumps out.

    And no, your first day bowling in the gay bowling league won't necessarily nab you your partner-for-life. The key is to stay friendly and stay social. Even if you don't think somebody is "date material", they might still make a decent friend...and maybe they know more gay people.

    2. Online dating. Different from online hookups. Sites devoted specifically towards dating/friendships/relationships. They're easy to tell apart. If a site mentions hobbies and favorite activities, it's a dating site. If a site mentions dick size and favorite positions, it's a hookup site. :slight_smile: And there's nothing wrong with being proactive and using a dating site.

    It IS a bit bemusing that the masculine gay guys think they're invisible...and the effeminate ones think they'll never get a date because "everybody likes masculine gay guys." If both of these were true, we'd all be screwed. But they both definitely aren't. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. bellinghamwa

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Great reply Lex! And yeah I learned early on to never "seek" relationships but to just let them happen. I have made friends with a few gay guys over the last few months, and again I know I'm still relatively new to this whole lifestyle of being out and open about it.

    I'm still kinda chuckling about the guy from my party the other night because after he started talking about his ex-girlfirend I was like "goddammit, not AGAIN!" but I guess it's all in good fun.

    Also I just typed in "gay Bellingham WA" and the first thing that came up in Google was the gay-friendly bar that I referred to in my first post, so that gave me a laugh too.
     
  4. AKTodd

    Full Member

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    Hi there, Welcome to EC:smilewave

    Did some reading and a bit of research. Don't know if this will help with your situation, but might get you started in the right direction.

    First, have you considered one of the gay friendly dating websites? Dating websites seem to have a rather mixed record from what I can tell but they should give you the option of explicitly stating what you're looking for and what your interests are, including that you like working on your truck and getting dirty, snowboarding, dirt biking, shooting at the gun range, etc. While it's probably a good idea to word things so it's clear you're open to the idea of someone who isn't an exact clone of yourself (what fun would that be?), you could potentially find someone who likes some of the same things you do, is willing to at least try the others, and might even introduce you to some new experiences you'll enjoy:slight_smile:

    Second, have you looked into the Meetup website? My partner and I are just starting to dip our toes in those waters ourselves, but I did a quick check of Meetup groups in WA and found the following:

    Pacific Northwest Gay Motorcyclists - they explicitly include dirt bikes as a type of rider who is welcome, have 138 members, and have been around since 2010. They seem to include everything from WA down into Oregon as within their 'range'.

    Winter Pride - This group explicitly mentions snowboarding as one of its activities and has 72 members.

    The 'Unscene' gay 20 and 30 somethings of Seattle - 497 members and explicitly states their goal is to do stuff not in the 'scene' which makes me think going to gay bars isn't on the schedule much.

    The Seattle Queer and Queer Ally Hiking Group - 457 members - I don't remember if you said you like hiking, but given your other interests I'll go out on a limb and guess that you like being outdoors and this is one way to do it.

    Two of these are specifically for something you mentioned enjoying, and it seems reasonable that folks into one of these might also be into some of the other things you mentioned (e.g., at least some of the guys who like to ride motorcycles probably also like maintaining their bikes and perhaps also working on their trucks which they own because you gotta transport those bikes around somehow right?) Etc. The other two are a bit iffier but one is outdoors based and the other is specifically saying it's for people who are into other types of recreation, which you seem to be too.

    And odds seem good that all the members of these groups will in turn have friends or be involved in other things, some of which may interest you. So even if you don't find someone special within the ranks of the membership, one of them might have a cute friend or relative who's also looking for someone...

    The one potential snag is that these are all apparently based in Seattle which Google tells me is about 100 mi from Bellingham. However, that's certainly an easy drive on a weekend (particularly if, like the motorcycle group everyone is probably mobile anyway) and may even be trivial by your travel standards (I'm from Alaska and we'll drive 45 min for lunch sometimes).

    Anyway, hope this all helps,

    Todd
     
  5. I find the exact same thing. I'm the same way. It's great to work on cars and go shooting with guy friends, but all my guy friends are straight! It seems to be the way it goes, at least where I am at this point. Don't worry, you're not alone!

    Gotta give props to the posters above. I think their advice is extensive and accurate enough for your dilemma. These two always seem to have the best advice. :slight_smile:
     
    #5 whereisthelove, Mar 3, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2013