1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Moving in together as a couple.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by therunawaybff, Mar 4, 2013.

  1. therunawaybff

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    So actually this is a pretty happy topic. :grin: I'm moving in with my boyfriend next weekend. Currently I'm living several states away, working part-time as a bartender and part-time as a digital freelancer from the house. I've put in my two week's notice last week and I'm pretty much just working from home until then. I gave away most of my shifts at the bar this week so I could pack up and whatnot.

    My question is, how many of you out there are in a same-sex committed relationship and currently live together as a couple? Me and my boyfriend have lived together before as roommates in college for about three years, but we had other roommates and the dynamic was a little different. I'm excited but a little nervous to be living with him on our own.

    I don't really have any questions about it, just curious as to what your personal experiences have been, and if you have any tips to share.

    (!)
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congrats! Not much to suggest other than this. You may want to have "separate corners" that you can retreat to. It's tough to "go to your room" when your room is his room. :slight_smile: So even if you can set aside a niche of your own in the place, that can be helpful.

    Lex
     
  3. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations!

    I suspect it's not much different from being married. My thread on Love and Money elicited some really good tips on finances, if done right, you're in heaven, if not, it does cause problems in relationships. Both separate and joint accounts is a must, plus some discipline.

    And yes, it's an adjustment from doing whatever you like when you feel like it, to now having to consider another person in everything you do...but I think you guys have that figured out already!
     
  4. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Ok, I have to ask - what's a digital freelancer? You hack code on contract or something? And this is VERY happy news:slight_smile: You probably already knew I'd say that, but it always bears repeating.

    Well, let's see here...

    Living together is wonderful - but you need to watch out for the little things. They're the ones that are going to drive you nuts/piss you off with each other. Because you've been together/lived together for some time already a lot of this stuff may already be moot, but will throw it out there anyway:

    Small differences that build up into big annoyances: For example - do you each fold your laundry the same way? Not your clothes, but things like towels, sheets, wash-clothes, etc. Because if you fold em one way and your boyfriend folds em different and you're both doing the laundry, that one of you is doing it 'wrong' can drive the other to distraction if it goes on long enough. Sure it's tiny and trivial and how could it possibly be that if Nick folds the bath towel that way one more time you're gonna blow a gasket? Because it works on the same theory as water wearing away a rock -drip, drip, drip. Not that you're gonna break up over it or anything (I think you've already demonstrated the strength of your relationship when it comes to trying times - don't you?) but it can lead to a fight. So save a step or three and talk it over up front.

    Speaking of talking - It gets said so much that it starts to sound trite, but communication is hugely important. Especially (IMHO) when the two people involved are so close that they feel like they practically know what the other is thinking (you mentioned knowing when he was in pain even from miles away). Because the truth of the matter is that, no matter how warm and fuzzy that notion is, it also isn't true. You're both human and you can't know what the other is thinking all the time, every time, without talking about it. That idea can lead to the dangerous notion that you don't need to talk, that each of you should just 'know' what the other wants or likes or doesn't like. And so communication doesn't happen because everyone is waiting around for some divine revelation or the light-bulb to go off or somesuch. When really a sit down talk along the lines of 'I really like it/don't like it/would appreciate it if you would/wouldn't etc' would get the job done so much faster.

    Pay attention - Note what you each like/love and seek to promote it in each others lives. Is there some snack food that your other half loves beyond all reason? See it on sale at the grocery store? Pick up a couple packages and leave em on the counter for him to find when he gets home. Is there something you've done for the first time in bed that makes him gasp/groan with pleasure? File it away in your head so you can do it again next time. Etc. And of course he should be doing the same for you:slight_smile:

    Figure out the chores - Who cleans what, who cooks when, who buys dinner tonight when you go out. This needn't be a super-regimented thing, but it's good to get it worked out and then followed, especially when it comes to things like housecleaning and cooking. On a related note, how similar are each of you in terms of the level of clean you like in your environment? If the bed not getting made is the fastest way to make steam come out of his ears or watching him track mud all over the house for the third time today is going to make you throw something, you should probably have a talk about this up front. Which sort of brings us back to communication I guess:slight_smile:

    Ok, I think that's all I've got for now. Hope I haven't bored you too much.

    Todd:slight_smile:
     
  5. therunawaybff

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    I think this is a wonderful idea. We're both introverts (him moreso than me) and while we do enjoy each other's company, I still want to be by myself sometimes and I know he's pretty much the same way. Thanks for the tip!

    Yeah, I mentioned in that thread that we're both "saver" type personalities, so as long as we make sure to indulge every once in awhile, we should be financially secure. I'm definitely gonna go back and reread that thread though, because there was some really good stuff in there.

    Haha, that's not how I was thinking of it at all. I was thinking back before when we lived together, we could never do what we wanted when we were at the house because we had to work around our roommates. But now that we'll be living together alone, we won't have to worry about anybody and we can do whatever we want! :grin:

    Like he can be making coffee and I can come up behind him and goose him! :lol: And it won't matter because we'll be the only ones there.

    ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2013 at 08:05 PM ----------

    Nah, I do transcriptions, or proofread stuff, or edit white papers for corporations or academics. Just taking advantage of my minor, since nobody wants to hear me blab on about philosophy. :grin: It's not steady work, but it does pay some of the smaller bills though. It's just something you have to hustle at every day. Not to different from bartending in that regard I guess.

    Good plan. I do know from past experience that both of us are people who seethe about things that bother us, until it gets to a point that we blow up about it. So getting used to talking stuff through should be an ongoing practice. For me, anyway. Nick really has no problem talking about stuff, once it's been brought up. He just doesn't show his dispelasure outwardly until you have really screwed up.

    As far as domestic stuff, I'm probably going to concede a lot of that since I'm moving into his house (and I'm really not picky about that kind of thing). And at least I have the benefit of knowing a lot of his habits up front. Stuff like the fact that he's picky about laundry. :grin:

    Agreed, I do think this could cause long-term problems if we don't nip it in the bud. And the problem originates with me really, so I'm the one that's going to have to be doing the fixing.

    I love these ideas. You know what they say - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. :grin: (For the record, his favorite snack food is those little zebra cakes.) And Kazoozles, which I adore for their name alone.

    I think I'm going to have to get rid of some of the clutter in my room before I move. :lol: Maybe a donation to Goodwill. We're both pretty good about keeping the kitchen and bathrooms clean (for sanitary reasons) but otherwise we're pretty relaxed. My biggest thing is I let laundry pile up, whereas he is a "load a day" guy.

    ....I think I'm gonna have to convert. For the sake of domestic tranquility.

    Never! :slight_smile:
     
  6. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Ok, this just triggered various thoughts (Oh no! Not again! - extra brownie bonus points if you get that reference:wink:)

    I know you mentioned that Nick lives in the middle of nowhere and has dogs that apparently make a bit of noise when someone drives up. But...

    When you and Nick are living together where are you going to be sleeping? Or, more specifically, where are you sleeping as far as everyone else who is not you and Nick are concerned? Is there a spare bedroom? Are you crashing on the couch?

    Will your friends/family ever come by to visit (especially right after you get back) and do they call ahead or just show up (perhaps at some really early hour while you might still be sleeping or recovering from a night of partying)? Do they knock or just walk in the door? Does the door lock and would a locked door be considered strange?

    Given the layout of the house, is it possible to get from Nicks bedroom to wherever you are supposedly sleeping without being seen through the windows or door? Etc.

    The point of all this is not just to demonstrate my raving paranoia (really that's just a bonus) but to bring to mind that, since you aren't out to folks in general, a bit of planning and preparation might be in order in case someone drops in unexpectedly. Assuming that this is a possibility of course.

    If you're supposedly sleeping on the couch, having bedding and a pillow folded on it might be in order. If you've got a room, spending enough time in it to make it feel 'lived in' might be good. Blinds or curtains that block inconvenient views might be installed and closed at certain times. Etc.

    Not trying to create any sense of fear or tension, but I find that thinking about potential speedbumps ahead of time and taking steps to avoid them is usually much preferred (and much less stressful in the long run) then trying to (for example) navigate from Nicks room to yours stark naked while someone is knocking on the door (which is right by the window you have to go by) or even about to step in. That scenario may be hugely entertaining in a movie (actually I think the straight version is a common scene in some genres) but probably much less so in the reality.

    Hope this helps or (even better) is completely a waste of my time since your circumstances are such that nothing like this could ever happen.

    Todd:slight_smile:
     
  7. therunawaybff

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    Nope, I lose, lol.

    Uh...you know, I hadn't really thought of that. :confused: Of course I assumed that I would be sleeping in Nick's bed (which is huge - we could be pissed as hell at each other and still have plenty of room to sulk in peace). But I didn't think about where other people would think I was sleeping. He's only got the one bedroom. There actually is another room, but all it has in it is bookshelves, an armchair with a stand, a floor lamp, and an aquarium. I guess we could set up an air mattress in there. My family would totally believe I'm sleeping on that (I could sleep on a rock).

    Nah, my family is very good about calling ahead before coming over to someone's house (I think it's just one of those unspoken hospitality rules) and likewise, I'd never just swing by theirs without calling at least on my way there. Locked doors are okay too, because we're used to living in a rural area where there are tweakers breaking into people's houses just to steal stuff for pawn to buy whatever the hell it is they used to make meth. So I think we'd just have to make sure we have really good blinds and thick curtains for the bedroom, and we'd be golden.

    Another reason someone just won't walk into the house without calling first - it's a good way to get shot.

    Yeah, the door leads into the living room and the master bedroom is at the end of the hall, with the study along one side of the hallway. you can't see down the hallway from the living room. So if someone knocked on the door, all I'd have to do run out of the master bedroom and jump into the study (or mess up the sheets and whatnot in the study and pretend I just got out of bed to answer the door.

    There is only one person I can see totally dropping in on us without notice, and that is my brother. He didn't get the call first memo in Southern Hospitality 101.

    But I'm seriously considering coming out to him. I think he'd be a good place to start.

    Having actually been in pretty close situations to this, I can definitely say it's a lot less funny in real life.

    Thanks so much Todd, I'm so glad you brought up the sleeping arrangement thing because I honestly hadn't thought about it. The chances of my parents randomly showing up at Nick's is not that good (we'd be much more likely to be invited over for dinner at their place) but we definitely need to have some kind of plan just in case something goes down. At least until we're ready to come out.
     
  8. nohander

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2012
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    You know your brother best and how he's react, but if possible it might be a good idea to come out to him. It's something you should probably pre-clear with Nick though.

    I think it would be good for you to have some sort of support mechanism and not to have to live your life fully in hiding. Having somebody you can be reasonably open with would be very healthy.

    I think also if you guys are so close that he potentially figure it out (you hinted previously he might have an inclination already), or at the very least he might unknowingly make life more difficult by popping over or by wanting to hang out a lot.
     
  9. DMark69

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2012
    Messages:
    535
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cheyenne WY
    My husband moved in with me about a year before we got married. A few things have been said that I strongly agree with. Communication is key, whenever there is anything that starts to bug you about your boyfriend talk about it. Waiting to communicate will only make the problem worse, and end up in a fight. I can say that all of the disagreements we have been in so far could have been avoided if we communicated better.
    Having separate corners is a great idea as well. We have decided to keep a guest bedroom set up at all times. If one of us needs our own space for some reason, the extra bed is always there so we can have our space. We have not had to use it yet in 3 years but its there.
     
  10. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Of course you know..you will have to eventually send us all some kazoozles...:icon_mrgr
     
  11. My boyfriend and I live together, and have been for about a year. It's absolutely fantastic. Suppose it helps that he's the perfect person.
     
  12. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Ok, a couple of extra thoughts that came to light after my last post on this thread.

    a) Something to work out between you: How do you handle it when you are the last person to consume some food item (milk being the most common)? This may or may not be an issue depending on your eating and shopping habits, but it apparently comes up a lot and so probably bears mentioning. Since you've lived together before you may have worked this out a long time ago.

    b) A nice thing to do for your man if he's out in a cold rain for some reason (you may be too but if you get back before him, this can also work): Throw a fresh towel or two (NOT the ones from the rack that you used for a shower that morning) in the dryer on medium to high heat and let them spin until he comes in. When he does (presumably cold and wet) hand him a nice warm towel to dry off with. He will thank you:slight_smile: If you are able to assist in getting him out of his wet clothes and drying him off with one of the towels, he may thank you profusely.

    For this last, I'm assuming that it actually does sometimes get cold in TN or that you might ever be out in cold, wet weather. It needn't happen much, but this trick is a good one to keep in reserve. Warning: If you both like this enough, you may end up investing in a heated towel rack.

    Ok, just thought I'd share. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

    Todd:slight_smile:
     
  13. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I love your little lessons in love, Todd, they are really what one could call "practical matters of the heart" and I will remember each one and apply them religiously for the one who someday will choose to be with me, no matter what.

    Don't ever stop posting these, they are precious!