I'm in a situation where I'm still living with the woman I broke off my engagement to. I've complained a few times before and had some great advice, but I really just can't handle what's going on and don't know what to do. She goes back and forth between being really accepting and want to get to know me again, and just really going out of her way to make me feel like shit for being who and what I am. The worst part is, it happens so fast. She'll hug me and ask if I want to take a break to go shopping with her, I'll get out of my girl clothes and put on guy clothes and we'll be joking around, everything will be great, and then before we get into the store she's letting me know I just don't give a damn about what she wants and am just going to do whatever the hell I want anyway, and thanks for ruining her life. The very same woman that was painting my nails and telling me this isn't so bad and she's starting to enjoy our girl's nights. It's like she's two people. We can't afford to live apart. I keep telling myself "make it to graduation, make it to graduation". But this bullshit is really taking its toll on me. I'm trying really hard and I feel like so is she. Every time we fight it ends with her being more accepting and understanding and even loving and caring again. But this all messes with my head real bad. I can't be the man I pretended to be any more, and I can't stay with someone who just keeps going out of her way to make me miserable out of the blue. I am not dodging responsibility here, I was the one who dragged her into this getting so far into my male life before trying to slam on the brakes, and most of the guilt I feel is because of that fact. What I really can't live with is the cruel things I say when I finally lose my temper. Some days I just hope to come home and find out she's left me. I'd have left her if there was a way to do it with my college degree and dignity, and not feeling like I'd just taken her world away. She tells me I'm what keeps her going and am the only thing going right in her life... some times. In spite of everything we've been through and said and done to each other, I still love her and she acts so much like she loves me, and like we can get through this, and like she wants to. But then she doesn't. I know this is something about me I can't change, but some days my dysphoria isn't as bad as others, and I wonder why I don't just try to go back to the way things were before I told her I felt like I needed to transition, when she knew I cross dressed but I did it out of sight and out of mind. Everything was exhausting and terrible back then, but so is this. And I have other problems I'm gonna have to get past like social anxiety before this can become a reality for me anyway. I'm trying to socialize with people that aren't her, but money is so tight right now. And all of my other responsibilities pile up because dealing with her depresses the shit out of me and makes me useless some days, so I have to catch up others. I'm just too drained to meet people and have fun. I know I need to. Venting here has helped a little.
*hugs!* I am so sorry, this situation sounds really difficult and hurtful! Her roller-coaster moods can be a sign that she is really not dealing very well with the situation. Which is something you should not feel guilty about. How she handles this isn`t up to you, and to some extent, not even her. However, her behavior is hers to control, and she could choose to express herself differently, which she is not doing. That`s her fault, not yours. You could sweet-talk her until the moon turned blue, but you cannot make her accept the situation, it`s something that has to come naturally in her. But it does seem like this is something she might not be emotionally capable of handling, which is a shame, because it does sound like the two of you have had some good times and that there is something of value left in your relationship. But this isn`t your fault! You didn`t decide your gender, you didn`t decide to be born in a body that does not fit the gender you really are. So this guilt she keeps throwing on you, it is not something you deserve in any way. It`s not your fault that she cannot handle that you are changing physically to be true to yourself. It`s not your fault that you need to present on the outside what is on the inside. You don`t deserve to be treated like this, you really don`t. And I do think this environment is highly toxic for you, considering her rapid mood swings. I know it is hard to not isolate when you feel this bad, but it is really important when we are entering a depression, that we don`t pull too far away from the world, but try to avoid isolation, try to get out there, reach out to friends and people who care about you. Nurse yourself a little, remember the basic things like eating healthily, getting enough sleep, taking long comfortable showers, and pamper yourself whenever you have the chance to. It`s a rough spot to be in, but you can get through this. Also, have you tried having a serious talk with her about how the things she says make you feel? And let her know that you do care about her feelings, but it`s not like you have a choice here? Let her know that you are getting depressed about the situation, but read up on constructive arguing/healthy communication/constructive communication first (try to google these terms, and you`ll find a lot of helpful sites with advice that works), or else it can be a mine-field. And take care of yourself, you deserve that. Take some time out of the house to just take a walk in the park, or in the woods, if you have that in your area. Enjoy some quiet time at a library, any place where you can be comfortable and relax in some silence, just to gather up some energy. It`s good for us sometimes to get some solitude. Watch a sunrise, or the stars. It helped me when I was depressed. Good luck, I`ll be thinking of you *hugs!*
