Long prequel short; http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/86581-dad-wont-speak-me.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/86653-im-devastated.html I think I probably overreacted after the second bit. I never really expected my father to say the stuff that he did, so it caught me by surprise. I should keep a calm head but I feel as if I'm about to explode. It's been 3 days since the issue happened, needless to say, things haven't been going too well..The first day was absolute hell, all my dad did was yell (which is basically what he's doing now, but the first time was much more difficult to cope with) I feel as if I was verbally abused (which I probably was) I got insulted, offended, and I pretty much hate myself now. My dad yelled at me for ages. Every time I tried to open my mouth he would snap at me. The only good thing about that day was that I went over and apologised to my brother, I explained to him the situation and he was beyond understanding, much much more than I hoped for. The next day was surprisingly worse than hell. My dad confiscated my laptop, took my books and games and everything that could even possibly bring me joy (he still hasn't given them back) then he started yelling again. My ears actually hurt a bit, my brother kept trying to talk to my dad but he would snap at the slightest mention or sight of me. I had to spend my entire time in my room without making any sounds. He would just randomly come in and start yelling if he even found something that slightly reminds him of the issue..At this point, he attacked everything that I believed in, he called me an Atheist, to which I responded with me being a Christian rather quietly, I think that made something snap inside him because he started yelling louder than usual and said that 'People who make that choice are all filth like atheists' is it really wrong that I'm a Christian and gay? I'm starting to feel a bit estranged towards my faith..As if things couldn't get any worse, he started telling me that my mother would be rolling in her grave if she saw me right now. I don't know if it's true or if he's just making it up, but my mother was a very liberal person, I don't think she'd be disappointed with me for just that.. After he said that I only slept for an hour, I woke up today at 6:00 AM a complete mess. I got dressed and prepared for school, tried to relax a bit but couldn't knowing that if I make any noise I'd risk another yelling, I ate (which is good because I barely had anything to eat for an entire day) and I left a note telling my brother that I went to school a bit earlier. I got to school grounds at 7:00, a half hour before school actually starts. I waited around in the Library and tried to sleep in the far corner a bit, but I just couldn't. I waited until my brother found me 15 minutes later, he told me to stay put and said that he had to take care of something. I waited until a teacher found me and forced me to go to class. Once I got there everyone was pretty surprised of how I was. I could barely talk, slept most of the time, and just felt like shit. my friend got a hold of me (the one whom I told I'm gay) and explained the situation, he told me that my brother already told him and offered for me to stay at his house with my brother for a while. I happily took his offer because I was honestly afraid of what my dad's reaction would be if I came home. This was extremely good for me because my dad has no clue who my friends are, so I was safe from the yelling. After school finished my brother called my dad and explained that he needed to sleep over with me with a friend while we worked at a very important project. My dad can never argue with my brother so he just said yes and hung up. My brother got everything we needed from home real quick and left. I've been trying to figure something out for ages now, I don't know what t odo! I'm afraid of what might happen if I come back home tomorrow, is this how it's going to be from now on or is it just a phase? If so, how the hell do I cope with it? What do I do? How can I stop this? I'm usually a very tolerant person but I just can't imagine myself spending another day at home again. I've been trying to get in touch with my older brother at college to see if he can help, but other than that I have no clue what to do! I'm afraid if I do anything wrong I'll end up sent abroad or something, I never in my entire life imagined my dad to do something like this! I remember he practically went insane after my brother told him he was bi, but I assumed that was because he just left to college without telling him and told him he was bi by a letter. If I had known that this is how he would've reacted I NEVER would've told him ANYTHING! Please? Can anyone help me? :help:
First off, I'm happy you have a safe place away from your father. He's obviously going through his own "coming out" process - coming to grips with having (another) gay/bi child - and he's obviously not doing very well with it. When somebody like your father is confronted with somebody gay in their life, they have three ways of dealing with it. 1. Fight the premise. This is nearly always the first tactic. Because if you're not gay, then he doesn't have to change, and everything goes back to "normal". So he tries everything he can to push you back into the closet, even invoking your mother's memory. "You're shaming your mother, so don't be gay." Of course, you know that this isn't going to do anything other than make you feel crappy, but it's still the usual first move. 2. Keep the position and push the person away. This is the one we always fear will happen, and it IS the one most homophobes take when it's somebody they're not close to. If they find out that Bob from Accounting is gay, they simply stop talking to Bob at work. But this is a lot harder for them to do if they have a lot of history, and/or they actually live with them. Which is why they usually stick with #1. 3. Keep the person and reform the beliefs. Thankfully, most homophobes do tend to eventually fall somewhere in this category. They sometimes do a lot of weaseling in order to reform as little as possible. For instance, your father might eventually decide you're "one of the good ones" because you're not girly-faggy "like the rest of them". This would be him holding on to his dislike/hatred of gays without pushing you away - you sort of become the exception. Will your father come around? No telling. It seems that most of them do, or at least they simply learn to "deal with it" even if they're not truly accepting. What can you do to expedite the process, and survive in the meantime? I'd suggest trying the following: Parents and offspring very often fall into habits of behavior. Your dad probably doesn't talk to his friends or other people the same way he talks to you, and you probably don't talk to him the way you talk to your friends. It's as if he puts on the "FATHER" hat, and you put on the "SON" hat when you interact. Even when you argue with him, or rebel against what he says, you're still rebelling as "SON". What you might try doing is leaving that hat off when you're forced to interact. This is a LOT easier to say than to do. You've had fifteen years of practice of how to interact with him, and obviously this is something that has a lot of emotions and ramifications tied up in it. But next time you see him arguing or yelling, try to pull yourself outside the conversation. Picture him with the "FATHER" hat on his head. Think about what he's thinking, and what his reasons for saying what he's saying are. Picture him thinking "Maybe if I say this, he'll change his mind about being gay." Then, if you have to respond to him, do so with your "SON" hat off. Speak as calmly and rationally as you can. Do not engage him. Don't bring up how painful his words are (even though they probably are). Your main point should be "I don't want this to be painful to you. But I'm positive that this is the way I am." Again, this won't be easy. But it's less likely to set him off, and more likely to keep things from spiraling outward. Best of luck to you. (*hug*) Lex
"Home life becoming unbearable" is the understatement of the year! I'm so sorry you are going through this horrible situation! I'm glad you at least have your brother and your friend on your side. I don't see anything wrong with being gay and a Christian. There are Christian churches that accept gays. They are, of course, more on the liberal end of the spectrum. That is an awful thing to say about your mom. If anything, I think it's more likely she'd be furious at how your dad is acting.
Are you still with your friend at his house? Do his parents know why you and your brother are there. Could you talk with them and get them to act as a buffer between you and your Dad. As a committed Christian myself I can not understand how your Father can behave the way he is. To me it does not sound very loving or forgiving. I know you are in a terrible situation because you are only 15 otherwise I would have suggested moving out. In the UK we have social workers who could help you as you are under age and if necessary could take you into care for your own protection. Has your local council got child welfare or social workers to whom you could turn for help. What about your school, does it have a counsellor who could help you. Remember that if you are in any physical danger or even psychological danger the law is there to protect you and help you as a minor. As others have said perhaps with the passing of time your Father may cool down and more willing to talk without yelling at you. One final thing I want you to remember is that if you have a Christian faith it tells you that God created you and loves you as you are. He created you as a young gay man and God does not create rubbish.
Do get in contact with your older brother who is bi and tell him what's going on. How long can you stay at your friend's house? Part of the problem is that on some level your father probably thinks he is responsible for you being gay--thus, it is his responsibility to make you not gay. This idea is only being reinforced in his mind by the fact that both you and your brother now identify as not being straight. So, one of the things you should stress, if you do talk to him, is that there was never anything he could have done to make you straight. He did nothing that made you gay, or your brother bi. Do you have family on your mother's side that might be more supportive? Are there any adults who know what's going on? If not, is there an adult, maybe a teacher at school, that you would feel safe coming out to? How old are your brothers?
From what I understood I can stay for a while but I don't want to impose myself or end up in a situation where my dad would be forced to come to my friend's house and pick me up. I'm afraid too deepen my problem. Most of my family is very homophobic, there's really no one I can tell. Most of my school is pretty anti-gay too. I'm more afraid of what the students would do if they found out than I am of my father.. My oldest brother is 19, the other is my twin. I seriously feel as if my life is falling apart, right now I'm riding all my hope on my father accepting me..do you think it's possible? Or will I be completely cut off from him?
I do hope your situation improves. No one should have to live their life being condemned for loving anyone, despite what others say. It's entirely possible that your relationship with your father will improve. And even if it doesn't seem the most probable thing right now, just keep looking at the brighter side of things. Never doubt for a minute that your life will improve. No matter how bad it seems now, it will definitely be better. Much better. Your dad just needs time to come to terms with this. It's something shocking to him. He probably thinks it is his fault, that he couldn't keep you from being "normal" by his definition. Give him time, and let him know that you are who you are, and that no matter how much he wants, you can't change. Of course, don't yell at him. Yelling only makes it worse. Just calmly tell him. Tell him you love him, and that no matter how much he thinks that you being gay is a problem, you still love him.
I was forced to come back home. I managed to sneak my phone from the table but my father's still yelling even though i haven't even said anything. I really can't stand this anymore, I don't care if he changes or not now, i just want this to stop, how do I end this? i've been thinking of lying and telling him i'm not gay anymore but i'm afraid he wouldn't believe me and snap at me again!
My dad knew where my friend lives because apparently he drove me to his house once or twice, my brother told him it's only for a day, because he didn't allow us to stay for longer than that. I didn't think he'd remember the way there..so today he came and politely asked us to come home, we tried asking him to stay a while longer nicely but he just kept glaring at us and dragged us to the car, we didn't resist because in any case I'm going to get yelled at. When we got home he snapped at me..
Stay strong! I'm living hell too. I'm sure we will come out of this a lot stronger, and we will be free to love whoever we want without someone telling us how wrong it is and deliberately hurting us. Stay strong buddy, stay strong. (*hug*)
Hugs from a Mom. I am proud of you. I know what is like to have a extremely homophobic parent and to be yelled at 'till my ears buzzed. Please seek help from an adult you trust if you feel physically in danger. Can you talk to a school nurse or advisor?
I finally managed to get a hold of him, when I told him he got pretty steamed and spoke to my father for the first time since he left for college. I'm not sure what happened, but the two were yelling at each other over Skype. My dad got really mad at me for calling him. My brother told me that he'll be coming here because he has a break coming up. He told me to just stay quiet and try to downplay everything until he gets here..I'm afraid this'll turn into this big problem and I'll be responsible for it, what should I do? I don't want to end up breaking my family apart even more than it already is. I've been feeling very depressed lately..
Its not your fault. No matter what happens. Your father sounds like he has alot of anger issues. They are HIS issues. To deny who you are will make you an angry person too. Glad you have your big brother. Being gay does not make you responsible for what happens to your family as a whole. Your Dad needs to deal with his anger issues which probably started before you and your brother were born. Hugs.
