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Person avoiding me for no reason-Advice plz?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by nate16, Mar 7, 2013.

  1. nate16

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    Hey guys  I’m looking for some awesome advice for this situation I’m in. I’m in college currently and loving it. For the entire first semester I had this intense crush that I’ve been working through. The guy was also in my year, and openly identified as bisexual. (a dream come true right?). As time passed, we checked each other out; there was some attraction, etc. We talked twice and I contacted him on Facebook twice. As time passed on, especially at the start of the second semester, things shifted. I had picked up from some close friends who knew him, and from just my gut instincts that he was still sorting out his attraction to guys, etc. He began to act oddly around me, turning his shoulder towards me, and generally avoiding me in all aspects possible. I responded, and completely pulled away and gave him more space. It got to the point where on facebook, he would log off immediately as I logged on or posted a status (he’s on my top chat list, so he pops up often.) This anomaly happened often enough that it wasn’t just a coincidence. As a result, I turned off his chat so that neither I nor he had to see each other online. It’s been like that for almost a week now. My rationale is to give him space etc for the time being. I can unblock it in a month or two. Was this the right thing to do?
    I’ve continued to act normally around him but I still get some of the same treatment, even though I’ve tried to give signs of “disinterest,” etc. to just see if it would cease. So far it hasn’t. I talked it over with a couple close friends, both of which identify as queer. One of them said, “I think he likes you, but is still figuring out who he is. As a result, when he’s around you, that part of himself is brought up, which is currently hard for him to accept at this point in time. He’s probably avoiding you and acting strange around you to stifle that.” Now whether or not he likes me, I’m doing my best not to care. Though part of me wants to know if it’s just some weird in denial attraction thing, or he’s just being a jerk. I just feel compassion for him. Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Where someone who’s still figuring out who they are acted/acts like this? Part of me wants to call him out on this and get some closure(especially if it’s the jerk option), but the other (probably more mature part) just wants to be there as myself for him to possibly see and observe? Maybe it would make his like easier? Idk. It’s all so confusing.

    -On a quick note, I’m positive he’s avoiding. There have been enough signs from obvious to subtle. Ignored natural eye contact in passing, turning around if I’m approaching, waiting for me to leave before continuing what he was doing. Etc. it goes on and on. What do you think?

    -On a much happier note, I might have found someone worth dating. It’s my first. Communication is great, which makes my day  I just want this to be closed before opening up to someone new. Any advice? Thank you for reading my rant!!
     
  2. Dakine

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    As I'm in a hurry my reply has to be short but I believe I'm going through the EXACT same thing for the EXACT same reason. I don't think it's a jerk thing but more of a fear because they are afraid that they're finding out who they are and being around you, talking to you etc brings up those feelings that they don't want to deal with.
     
  3. Turtle208

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    I had a huge crush on a straight guy over the last year in my office, and sometimes seeing his 'disinterest' just killed my days.

    I guess you should have some space for alternatives.
     
  4. Dakine

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    Does this person talk to u one day but avoid u at all costs the next? Like are they got and cold or just cold in general??
     
  5. Ianthe

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    It sounds like you need to just accept that he isn't ready for a relationship with you, and move on. It does sound to me pretty much classically like how people behave when they have feelings for someone and can't accept them. Just be friendly, and move on romantically.
     
  6. Dakine

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    Ianthe: I'm glad u said classically cause I've had doubts this kind of behavior is a sign of that but logically its one of the few explanations. The person that does it to me is hot and cold. One day we r best friends, the next day he doesn't know me. This is an interesting thread though. Glad it was created

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2013 at 03:43 PM ----------

    To the original thread starter. If this is someone u like like that than have a little patience. Show to them that u r happy being u, and confident with who u r. U never know what could change in their mind. Obviously u can't wait forever, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
     
  7. nate16

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    I agree about the thread topic. It's been eating on my mind as of late. I only talked to the person twice in person and two times via facebook. He knows I'm gay from facebook and from me just being me. For the first 1/2-3/4 of the time we checked each other out/ talked/ facebooked there was positive signs from him, both physically and verbally. Then it kinda switched after the last online encounter. It got awkward so to say. I began to get his back whenever I tried to look him in the eye. It's like he's scared of me. I know this is weird, but he shows up as the top 10 friends on my chat. It got the point and happened enough times that it became a legit pattern. Whenever I logged on, he would log off within five, or is I posted a status, he would log off in the next minute. As a result, I just turned off his chat on my account. I'll open it again halfway through the summer I believe. Part of me is frustrated with this whole thing. I'm forcing myself to move on emotionally, but to some degree, I just cant stop feeling compassion for what he's going through. It's really weird :/

    also, from what I know of him, he's not a cold person towards people, except for a select few. There were two situations that I heard of. For a time, he was involved with this girl in one of my classes. After a month with her, he ended it abruptly and snubbed her to the nth degree. He avoided her, and didn't even recognize her. The other happened at a party from what i hear. He was a bit drunk and began flirting with this guy. The very next day he got the same treatment. Im not sure if what he's doing to me is the same. I'm now kinda hesitant/scared to look him in the eye boldly so to say. any advice? thanks!
     
    #7 nate16, Mar 9, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2013
  8. Dakine

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    Can u think of ANYTHING you may have said or done that may have angered him?? To me in all honesty this does sound like someone who has feelings for u but is trying desperately at all costs not to.

    In my research the top favorites on Facebook (at least the phone app) is the ppl that u connect with/who VISIT your profile the most. So if u don't talk to him on there, but yet he's still in the favorites, I can only assume its cause he is looking at your profile often...but please don't quote me on that. In my particular case, my friend and I don't really connect via Facebook anymore but yet he is right up there in the top 4. Funny, when he goes cold to me, he ALWAYS slips down a few spots, but when we are happy, up the ladder he climbs. It's as if when he is cold he's trying not to think of me so no looking at my Facebook, but then when he warms up its back to my profile he goes. This is an often enough pattern that I can't help but think this is actually what happens, but please don't quote me on that cause there's no actual scientific proof, if u will, that this is how it works. Sorry to ramble on about my situation, but my point is, with your situation, for him to be in your favs but without u guys talking etc on FB, the only thing I can think of is he checks out your profile on a regular basis.

    As far as advice goes...that depends on what u ultimately want out of this. Do u like him like that? And if do, is he worth sticking it out for, for some time?? Because in all honesty, he doesn't sound like someone who will wake up tomorrow and say "hey, I'm gay/bi and that's fucking awesome!!". Nope, he needs time. U just have to ask yourself if he is worth the patience u will have to have. There is a chance he will never come around. But, if u like him, I'd, IMO, give it done time and have some patience. As far as helping him deal with himself, the only real thing u can do is show him u are happy with who u r.
     
  9. nate16

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    I cant think of anything that could have angered him in any way to be honest. If anything, maybe just wary, but then again, all I did was talk to him twice last semester and contact him twice on facebook, the last time of which was two months ago. If he got weirded out by that, I dont really know what to think lol.

    I've actually researched about the facebook thing as well. From what I found out, it's more or less connected to your chat list, which is configured by how often you "interact" with the other people. I believe that also includes you visiting their profile. Let's say that until recently, I would check out his profile sometimes. Im not sure if it's also what they do. In your situation, do you check out that persons profile at all? And if so, how much say a week/month? I checked out this guys profile a couple times a week. Now though, it's next to none.

    As for what I want, I'm still really attracted to him, but I recognize that he's far from relationship...even hookup material. I think he'll come around eventually cuz my friend saw him at a huge GLBTQ conference on campus, etc. I also recognize that he needs a lot of time to sort this stuff out, hence my willingness to pull away. I guess I'm just sick of this behavior. Even if I walk by, he gets the fucks out of there.(sry for my colorful french lol) Its not the most pleasant realization to have. It's not like I'm gonna get gay cooties on you. I'm a bit more femme than he is, but not dramatically though. Eh, it's just confusing!
     
  10. therunawaybff

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    This sounds pretty familiar, and I do feel like maybe he's in some level of denial about his attraction to you. The way you're describing this guy kind of reminds me of the way I used to act around my boyfriend early on when we knew each other, back before we were together. Any time I felt like he showed me "too much" affection in front of our friends, in a way that I felt would tip them off to our relationship, I would grow cold towards him for awhile (I guess subsconsiously hoping that this would weaken the connection between us in our friends' minds?).
     
  11. Dakine

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    If it were based on how often I checked out his profile than he'd be at the top of the list. As it sits he fluctuates from 4-7. But we really don't interact in FB anymore. Like I said, there's no proof that this means anything at all, so I don't read into it too much. But funny thing is, yesterday he moved up a spot, it just so happened to be the day he finally broke the silence.
     
  12. nate16

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    Dakine- That's really interesting. I'll be sure to keep an eye out. I'm not gonna read into it too much. My big thing atm is just to be who I am, even when I'm around him. It's getting better, but I'l still too darn scared to look at him. My own insecurities are starting to kick in a bit I think.

    Therunawaybff- Some inner part of me agrees with you and wants him to still be attracted to me, but thats just the hormone crush denial phase showing through. lol. The difference between what you said and my situation is that I only BRIEFLY chatted with him in person twice, and twice on facebook. It's been several months since the last encounter. Are you basically saying that his denial is showing though by being cold to me? hmm.
     
  13. Dakine

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    I definitely do believe cold behavior can be a sign of denial because being warm to u forces then to deal with those issues, so hey it's just easier to go cold and go back to denial
     
  14. nate16

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    I totally agree. A couple weeks ago right before he started acted really weird to me in public, I checked the facebook initial friends chat list on the source code. he came up as number 12. since then, he's dropped to number 19. Maybe it has something to do with me blocking his chat and newsfeed. who knows. I definitely believe that it has to do with profile views, on both sides. I admit I check out his profile somewhat often, but the question remains is if he does the same lol. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse in this internet wide discussion about the facebook chat list thing, but I think it has a lot to do with profile views, not so much theirs of yours, but of you looking at theirs. Since I friended him, I've only liked one photo, and chatted twice. The fact he ranked so high has to do with profile views. I feel sure of it. I've decided to run a little experiment. I'm going to visit his profile several times a day for the next week and see if he moves up on the list. Its grabbed my interest.

    also, I've started having second thoughts about blocking his chat. Not so much for personal reasons, but when he finds out that he never sees me online. I'm just waiting for that realization when I post a status when he's online. He sees it, and questions why I'm not on chat. True this would probably take several times, but over a short time, it would become apparent that I'm avoiding him to some degree. I'm not sure avoiding is the message I want to give. I just wanna give him space to figure stuff out, without me getting tangled somewhere in there. I'm just really confused how to go about this mess. Anyone have an idea about how I should move forward from here? Thank you!
     
  15. Dakine

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    I'm just talking about the iPhone app but the ppl at the top of my list I NEVER look at their profiles. I do believe it is a combo of things but I honestly think it has more to do with their actions than yours based on the layout of mine. Like I said, there is zero proof to back this up, I'm just basing it on my situation, because if it was based on my views of their profile, the guy I'm talking would be a huge number one lol.
     
  16. nate16

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    It's interesting. I checked and compared my ipod facebook app to the online one. On my ipod, it's the lineup from the source code, but for some reason, he and probably a couple others always appear alphabetically in the second part of the chat list. On the facebook website one, he always appears at the bottom of the favorites list.

    -And the same with me lol. He would be the number one on my list as well if it was just based on you looking at his profile lol.