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to have relationship with my mom.... or not

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Toneth, Mar 9, 2013.

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  1. Toneth

    Toneth
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    ok, so my mom is totally cool with me being gay, but my stepdad hates my guts, calls me a faggot all the time, and tells me how much he hates me whenever he sees me, and honestly, I hate him too. a few monthes ago I stopping going over to my moms so that I don't have to deal with him, and while I try to see my mom once or twice a month, she is super mad that I don't talk to her more, and won't go over to see her. It's not like I avoid her, but when I call or text her I get chewed out for not going over to her house. he's unemployed and a serious alcoholic, so not only is he always home, but he's always drunk. I just don't want to deal with him, I don't want to take the abuse in order to see my mom and my little brothers, I feel like if she really cared about me, she would at least put in SOME effort.
    today I made plans to go see my aunt who lives about 2hrs away, who I've seen once or twice a month for the past 3 months, and I invited my mom to go with me, which she has been all but one of the other times I've gone, and she yelled and screamed at me on the phone for not going to her house, and told me that my cousin would never do that my aunt, and then hung up the phone when I told her that I don't think my aunt would make my cousin deal with someone like my stepdad.
    honestly, I'm just kind of venting because I don't really have anyone to talk to, but I feel like, shouldn't it be more of a give and take kind of relationship? I feel like if she really loved me, she wouldn't want to see me treated like that, and as much as she talks about how she wants a divorce and they sleep in separate beds and all kind of stuff, he still lives there, so I just don't want to go over, am I being to hard headed about it, or should I just let it go and not talk to my mom any more??
     
    #1 Toneth, Mar 9, 2013
  2. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Have you told her directly that you won't be around him? Like just flat out--he is abusive any time I see him, and I refuse to be there if he is.

    If she wants to divorce him, help her do it. Say, "Okay mom, you want a divorce, so what is the next step in that process?"

    What does your aunt say about all this?

    You should not subject yourself to abuse. No. Just stand your ground on it.
     
    #2 Ianthe, Mar 9, 2013
  3. Toneth

    Toneth
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    I have, but she said that if I really loved her I would get over, and I've offered to help her get rid of him, but idk, its complicated, they have kids, they own a home, she still thinks he is going to clean up his act and get a job, she cares more about that than our relationship...
     
    #3 Toneth, Mar 9, 2013
  4. Chloe

    Chloe
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    I've noticed that the concept of "give and take" relationship doesn't always work with parents. It's not like two adults talking to each other, even when the child has grown up. From what you've said about her situation, you're unlikely to get reasonable reactions from her. Even so, I think it makes sense to try to convince your mother how important it is for her to be in your life - emphasizing the positive - but make it clear that putting up with abuse is just too high a cost for having her. She could find other ways to spend time with you.
     
    #4 Chloe, Mar 9, 2013
  5. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Tell her that you aren't going to be around her husband, and if she wants to see you at all she is going to have to accept that. If she wants to see you or talk to you, she can call you and you will meet her somewhere not at her home. But please to only call if she's going to act like an adult and not make statements about what you would do if you "really loved her." Tell her that that is manipulative, and false. She's your mother, of course you love her. Explain that you would like to have a relationship with her, but only if she can respect your right to set boundaries. You have a right not to be subjected to verbal abuse, by her husband or by her.

    Then let her decide if she wants to have a relationship with you on those terms or not.

    This makes it clear that you would like to have a relationship with her, and that she is the one who is making the decision not to.

    She will not be happy at first. Just be firm about it until she gives in. And don't let her yell at you. If she's yelling, tell her, "Mom, you aren't being fair or rational right now. Please call me back when you can have a reasonable conversation."

    If you let people get away with throwing tantrums, they tend to keep throwing them.

    You can set the terms of the relationship you are willing to have with her. This includes not letting her yell at you, and insisting that you aren't going to be around her husband.
     
    #5 Ianthe, Mar 9, 2013
  6. Toneth

    Toneth
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    thanks guys, thats really solid advice, I haven't heard from here since saturday, and I've been uber sick the last couple days, but I'll being doing that as soon as she decides she wants to talk to me, for right now I'm letting her cool her heels and I'll wait for her to reach out to me.
     
    #6 Toneth, Mar 12, 2013
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